Takuya Sugi: Holy Sh*t!

Alright, if you haven’t heard of Takuya Sugi, I won’t hold that against you. Besides, the guy has worked under ten different gimmicks during his independent career in Japan.

Trained by Ultimo Dragon and the Tourymon school, Takuya Sugi started his wrestling career in 2003 working as Mini CIMA; a gimmick based on Japanese wrestler and Dragon Gate’s premiere talent, CIMA. Since then, Sugi has worked all over Japan as a freelancer for organizations ranging from Tourymon, All Japan Pro Wrestling, HUSTLE, LOCK UP, and Zero-1 Max; under the gimmicks Yoshitsune, El Blazer, Shanao, AHII, HUSTLE Ranger Red, Mini CIMA, Little Dragon, Michinoku Ranger Gold, Catfish Man, and The Zest (2nd Generation).

This guy is truly worth watching. With barely four years of experience in the ring, this guy has the fluidity of a veteran. His style incorporates everything you’d expect from the best cruiser weights in the world. But, don’t take my word for it. Judge for yourself:

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Happy Boxing Day.

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LOLWrestlers III – LOL HARDER

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Hat tip to Miss Elizablog.

Inspired by.

Raw… is… War Propaganda

Christmas Eve. The day people all over the world meet with relatives they can’t stand, to exchange shitty gifts nobody wants that will be returned over the next week, drink a slimy, alcoholic cum-like beverage, fuck each other’s wives, and get into drunken fistfights about politics.

McMahon Supports Our TroopsBut this year, Christmas Eve falls on a Monday, the same night as the flagship show of WWE programming. So meeting with the obnoxious shitheads in your family is only the second least entertaining thing in the world to do on this night! That means that no matter how bad your Christmas was, you can take heart in knowing that mine was worse because I was watching RAW. For you.

This year I get a double shot of suckitude, because the WWE is doing their annual two hour ad for the US Department of Defense show for the troops from Iraq. This has become a staple of WWE programming because it is a natural for the demographic: the only people left in America who are stupid enough to still support Bush and the war are WWE fans. I will run down the events for as long as I can keep from slitting my wrists from pseudo-patriotism.

- Chris Jericho carries Randy Orton through a boring but not terrible match. It is not announced whether this is for the title, but, I guess it doesn’t matter because everyone knows that what happens in Iraq does not happen in the “real” WWE. Kind of like when the WWE blew off all the heat from the invincibility of the Master Lock by letting an army guy who weighed about 90 pounds to break it, then ignoring that fact on all their shows later (“Lashley is the only man ever to break the Master Lock!!”). The WWE adopted this rule from the Bush Administration, who have been trying to get people to completely disregard things that happen in Iraq for 4 years.

JBL comes out to the ring at the most climactic part of the match, while Randy Orton is in Jericho’s finishing maneuver, to bore the shit out of everyone in the audience by talking, as he used to do on MSNBC before being fired for being a Nazi. Jericho falls asleep immediately, as anyone would under the circumstances, and JBL enters the ring unimpeded, for a DQ. Then Randy Orton’s music starts playing as Chris Jericho is announced as the winner.

Since this was a bizarre and inexplicable clusterfuck, and since WWE is usually good at production despite sucking at everything else, I can only assume that the WWE allowed the Bush administration to book this match and operate the PA and music, in a show of solidarity.

- Rey Misterio, Jr. thanks the troops for protecting our rights by fighting in Iraq. I agree with him, especially in light of the recently recovered documents which show that in 2003, Saddam Hussein was poised to invade the US with his WMD and powerful army, symbolically burning the Constitution on television and imposing martial law. Thank you troops for preventing this national nightmare! Now the Constitutional rights of Americans will never be in danger.

- I am glad Jeff Hardy is getting a push but I wonder why it is necessary to give him a ridiculous Ultimate Warrior face. “Well, we have to push this guy because 73% of the roster is suspended or injured. But can we at least make SOMETHING suck about him?”

santa- We interrupt this divas non-wrestling match to bring you a non-wrestling interview. Vince McMahon, who still believes Santa is real, interrupts the half-naked women rolling around in the ring by talking into a microphone. He is booed by the Army men who want to look at half-naked women, but this doesn’t make a lot of sense. It doesn’t make sense because the women they want to look at lustfully are still in the ring being half-naked and very easy to still look at. In fact now that Vince has interrupted the “match”, you have a much clearer look at their breasts and ass-cheeks, because they aren’t rolling around in the ring pretending to wrestle by grabbing each other’s hair; in fact they are just kind of standing still. It should be much easier to get a mental snapshot for later masturbatory purposes now that they aren’t performing badly executed, vertebrae-crunching suplexes on each other.

- Santa comes into the ring to interrupt Vince interrupting the divas match, which in turn interrupted the real purpose of this show, which is to show promo video packages supporting the US invasion of Iraq. In a larger sense, the entire show is an interruption of the normal flow of good taste in the universe.

Santa turns out to be John Cena! It takes Vince a few minutes, but he figures out that John Cena is not the real Santa. WWE, you can’t fool me. John Cena isn’t Santa Claus. Santa Claus can make it around the world delivering presents in 24 hours! John Cena can barely move around the ring without tripping over his own two clumsy ass feet.

- Interviews with troops saying that things are improving — you see, Iraqis aren’t ungrateful assholes anymore, like they were back in 2005. Nowadays, they really appreciate the US blowing the shit out of the country, removing the electricity and clean water, installing a repressive theocratic puppet regime, and killing hundreds of thousands of their citizens! And they can tell this, because when they drive around Iraq, little kids run up to their vehicles and almost get crushed by the ramps. No, I’m not making this shit up, someone really said it on television.

In light of this, I feel the WWE should host the next show for the troops outside the green zone, in the middle of Iraq without thousands of military around armed with guns and bombs. Why not?! It’s perfectly safe in Iraq, Vince McMahon said, and all the Iraqis love Americans! No bombs will go off and there wont be any beheadings or kidnappings. Little kids will run up and ask for autographs.

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ABOVE: “Troops to Jericho: SAVE US!”

- Oh my. Chris Jericho comes out in favor of the war. Basically, I just learned from him that we had to invade Iraq because Saddam Hussein executed people for losing a soccer game. Good thing that nobody gets executed in Iraq now. Thanks to the war!! So since Saddam is dead, and everyone is safe, can we go home now?

Jokes aside, I know this is just fluff but I always liked Jericho and he usually adds some intellect to a doofy WWE show aimed at 8-year olds. Sorry to see him eagerly participating in this brainless bullshit.

- Rey Misterio is the “biggest underdog in WWE history.” Debatable, but I would have to go with fatass jobber Rusty Brooks vs. Hulk Hogan from Wrestling Challenge. Rey beats the fattest favorite in WWE history, Mark Henry.

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- WWE Magazine presents John Cena reading off a teleprompter talking about powerful Army equipment, as if he is not a big dumb shithead pretending to be a military insider. Sgt. Cena informs us that they are in the middle of a very dangerous area, even though Iraq is perfectly safe from soccer-team executions, as I learned in the last segment from Chris Jericho.

He introduces a 22-year old serving his second tour of duty. What they did not mention is that his second tour of duty was made necessary because of all-time low recruiting levels for the US Armed Forces. This is partly because John Cena, of prime military fighting age and in excellent physical shape, is too much of a pussy to go to a recruiting station and sign up to fight in this all-important War for The Existence of Civilization Which Protects Our Freedoms from evil soccer-team-executing dictators. Come on John! Walk the walk! Pick up the rifle, Marine Boy!

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ABOVE: “If you’re not down with genocide, we got two words for ya!”

- Shawn Michaels thinks the liberal media is not down with the troops and is causing the US to lose the war. <mark>BOOOOOOO LIBERAL MEDIA!!</mark> Tomorrow, on CNN, Democratic presidential candidates will debate to see who is the most down with the troops and which ones, by default, can suck it.

Of course Shawn Michaels, brainwashed Christianist husband of a Jesus-freak Nitro Girl that he is, also goes on the 700 Club, owned and operated by the guy who thinks homos, liberals and the ACLU pissed God off and caused 9/11. So, his views on the war are not exactly a big shock.

- In this match, the team representing wholesome American values will be Degeneration X. The evil anti-US terrorists who want to destroy our freedoms will be represented by Umaga, the noted Arab terrorist from Samoa, and Ken Kennedy, from Green Bay, Wisconsin. As you well know, Green Bay is only 20 miles from Milwaukee, which once had a socialist mayor. (“BOOOOOO!!”) And Wisconsin is entirely too close to Communist Canada with their national health care to be trusted. I think that tells you all you need to know about Mr. Kennedy, the most anti-American wrestler since Yokozuna, born and raised in the foreign land of Hawaii. So the side of Evil is represented well.

The match got a little tense. A few times during this match there were some near falls on DX, and we as a nation came perilously close to losing our freedoms. However in the end, Kennedy jobbed, the US prevailed. Our freedoms are once again safe. Crotch chops for the USA!

- One final montage with sappy pseudo-rock played over images of the troops mingling with wrestlers and having fun. Horrible bands like the Goo Goo Dolls and Creed were used over a montage for the 1,736,849,028,991th time in WWE history. A good time was had by all.

But then the swerve! The wrestlers get to go home, while the troops had to stay in the desert dodging roadside bombs for an undetermined length of time, only to come home to poor health care and veterans’ benefits cuts by Bush administration! Major Dusty-finish.

Abyss Unmasked

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In case you’re wondering, he’s on the left! Between this and the recent TNA script leaking,  looks like TNA has a mole inside their offices. I didn’t know Todd Gordon worked for them either.

Flashback: Steroid Were Definitely NOT Used 10 Years Ago

YouTube has been absolutely tits lately, providing me with more nostalgia than WWE 24/7 has all year. I stumbled upon this gem of a piece that ESPN was doing about pro wrestling called Pro Wrestling’s Hold on America approximately 10 years ago (definitely after Bret Hart jumped ship, as he is shown interviewed in front of a WCW backdrop).

The first part of it focuses more on, at the time, WWF’s new edgy approach showing a virtual best of worst of Raw with the infamous “choppy choppy your pee-pee”, Sexual Chocolate and Sammy, dX giving the crotch chop and then showing redneck kids reacting to it. But then the topic shifted onto drug abuse, and provided these four minutes of magic.

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A few things stand out. First, Buff Bagwell and Scott Stiener don’t do steroids. Oh, and Santa Clause is real. Secondly, Eric Bischoff was serious about drug testing in his company. He called it a “public relations” move and when asked what percentage of wrestlers have failed drug tests in the last 3 years, the look on his face was like asking one of the Bushwhackers to explain the Pythagorean theory to you. Some good looks back at how great pro wrestling was and how the media was just starting to pay attention again. Its especially chilling watching them discuss how many wrestlers died young, and just how many more died since then. Watch the entire 10 parter after the jump (First few parts focus on kids watching, but 4-7 focuses on the steroid use)… Read the rest of this entry »

I'm at a loss to come up with a clever headline.

This speaks for itself. From Vince McMahon’s World Softcore Porn For Closeted Gay Guys Federation Bodybuilding Federation.

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Above: “You’re going down.” “Let’s do it!!”
Phew. I bet that sold a lot of ICO-PRO.Some thoughts:

1) Lord Alfred Hayes called the WBF?! I didn’t know that. I mean I always thought he was a bit of a pouf — maybe he wanted to be around masculine men with muscles. Which is fine, I’m no homophobe. But the funny thing is, he is actually the most manly element this clip. “Look at those smashing maidens!!” Nice try Al, but you’re gonna need a top-of-the-line tow truck to pull this one out of TEH GAY.

2) If this is not a man-on-man precursor to the current diva division, then I don’t know what is. In fact the entire WBF was basically the diva division with penises.

3) I saw the ending, where the two guys dump the girls into the pool and walk off together, coming a mile away. Not exactly a huge swerve there.

UPDATE:  OK, I figured out what needs to happen at the end of that sketch.  The pool fight ends, the guys walk away together, and backstage, they run into…

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In Which I Admit I'm a n00b.

I’m usually pretty good at meaningless wrestling trivia. For example many people did not know that the Gobbledygooker won the IC title at a house show in early 1991, and lost it back on the next show, but that this title change was removed from the record books before it ever made it to Wrestling Challenge.

However I freely admit I had no clue as to this piece of what is apparently common knowledge: the scary Xanta Klaus, which I remember from my misspent youth, was played by former ECW jobber and current WW-ECW jobber Balls Mahoney. I present this video in case any other n00bs out there were in the dark about this well-known fact like I was.

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My favorite parts of this video are:

1) How impressed Vince is with himself on coming up with an Evil Santa Claus. He is basically saying “GET IT?!” throughout the entire clip.

RING ANNOUNCER: “From the South Pole…”

VINCE: “The SOUTH Pole.”

2) How stupid the WWF’s tone was in general, leaving aside the wrestling Santa Claus gimmick for a second.

VINCE: “This is not the real Santa Claus, I can assure you… he isn’t even from the North Pole.”

Right… because the REAL Santa Claus is… he’s from… uh… yeah.

I know I tend to go off on how stupid the WWE is now, and it is very stupid. And the angles often make no sense. And it is aimed at a really stupid demographic. But at least a lot of it is done with a wink and a nod — it was dragged to that point, kicking and screaming, by ECW and by internet smarkdom. When Vince steps into a limo and it explodes, at this point, they don’t really expect anyone to believe he’s really dead (if a few mouthbreathers convince themselves and post about it in YouTube comments, so much the better).

But here, they are proudly aiming the storylines at a 3-year old audience. And missing low.

3) JR, bless his heart, trying desperately to bring some kind of respectability to the horror show that is unfolding in front of him. He chooses the approach that “Xanta Klaus” and Ted DiBiase are sadistic and this is a stunt designed to hurt children’s feelings and ruin the magic of Christmas for them (probably the only sane approach under the circumstances, barring a rant about how badly this sucks and how I can’t continue to call this mess and look myself in the mirror, cockslapping Vince, throwing the headset down on the floor and taking a giant, Oklahoma, BBQ-flavored dump on it).

Meanwhile Vince has a conversation with himself, debating whether or not this is a fake Santa Claus, or whether the REAL Santa Claus (from the NORTH Pole) has actually sold out to the Million Dollar Man.

duh duh

The Big Redneck Machine

georgia 1(Above: The Georgia State Athletic Commission convenes to discuss further changes to the athletic code)

I have thought of some other rules for the Georgia State Athletic Commission to think about, in the spirit of their earlier announcements documented here, to better govern wrestling events in their fine state.

1. Referees must watch the action at all times, under penalty of fine and/or dismissal. If a pinfall is shown by video to have occurred while a referee was arguing with someone on the apron, that pinfall will count retroactively, and the negligent referee will be fined US $10,000 for the first offense, US $20,000 for the second offense, and fired for the third offense.

2. Any wrestler whose leg is horribly injured by a high impact move must not be seen to rise to his feet and walk under normal power less than twenty-four (24) hours after incurring this injury, under threat of dismissal. Showing the ability to rise to one’s feet 2 minutes after being hobbled to execute a superplex would indicate that the party was not being entirely truthful and probably wasn’t really injured; and violates the spirit of fair play.

3. Pursuant to the high rate of incidents occurring backstage pre- and post-match, security will be beefed up, and wrestlers known to have ongoing rivalries will be barred from interacting with each other backstage.

4. For all wrestling events, all referees on the payroll must be present AT RINGSIDE for all matches. This is to ensure that in the unfortunate event that a referee is incapacitated during a match, another one can step in and make sure the match proceeds according to the rules.

5. There have been a multitude of incidents in which contracted wrestlers hop over the guardrail and create a disturbance during a match and/or television taping, many of which have proven to be beyond the on-site security team’s ability to control. In light of this, any persons under contract to any wrestling organization may not be seated any closer than twenty (20) rows from ringside.

6. All persons contracted to work for wrestling organizations, who announce their retirement, must stay retired for no less than three (3) years.

7. All ambulances on site at wrestling arenas MUST be staffed with EMTs, AND be guarded round the clock by armed security teams. This precaution is to ensure that other wrestlers do not endanger the safety of their rivals by waiting until they are loaded into the back of an ambulance and then driving them somewhere other than a hospital to do them further harm.

Georgia Still Thinks That Wrestling is Real

That somehow includes the WWE, too.

The Georgia State Athletic and Entertainment Commission are proposing a bunch of non-sense rules to be amended into wrestling whenever a show takes place in their state. These guidelines are meant to bring wrestling into the realm of boxing and mixed martial arts, but not as cool as either of the two. However, with the recent events occurring in wrestling or sports entertainment, including an array of staph infections, murder-suicides, and wrestlers dying young, these rules may help bring some safety and precaution for wrestling. Right?

Some of these newly proposed regulations are pretty ridiculous. For example:

“If a competitor touches the ropes, the referee is to move them back to the center of the ring.”

“There will be no physical or verbal aggression or threats levied toward any member of the audience.”

Further, blading or self-inflicted cuts are prohibited; no fighting outside the ring barrier; foreign objects must be approved by the athletic state commission prior to its use; wrestlers have a ten count to break an illegal hold; wrestlers are not allowed to have any grease, lotion, or other substances on their body. And, my favorite, every wrestler must wear clean and appropriate attire that properly meets the rules proposed by the commission.

Wait a second. Where is the over the top rope disqualification rule??

Yet, the most important proposed guideline states that there must be a six foot barrier from the ring and an additional four feet between the the barrier and the first row; which adds up to ten feet of empty space. This regulation may kill the independent wrestling scene in Georgia. Many of the smaller indy shows run in smaller venues that, because of this regulation, would not be legally cleared to run an event in such a venue.

The commission is due to vote on the regulations today, and if passed, this could be very detrimental for wrestling in the independent circuit. Apparently, the WWE is unaffected by these rules, because of a prior statute that excludes any company worth $25mil or more to be included. That’s too bad.. right??

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UPDATE: The committee has adjourned and stated that they will postpone any decision on the matter until February. The committee agreed to hear out the industry’s opinions and have invited various promoters to form a group and present their opinions to the committee for further revision of the proposed guidelines made by the commission.

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