The Stylin’ and Profilin’ Elbow

http://www.dailymotion.com/videox1wqw8

It’s sad to think that we are about a month away from Ric Flair‘s final match. Here is a moment from a few years ago, where the wheelin’-dealin-kiss-stealin-limousine-riding-jet-flying-son-of-a-gun and the People’s Champ, The Rock squaring off for (if memory serves correct) the only time. Unfortunately, it was in a handicapped tag match with the Rock-n-Sock Connection taking on 3/4ths of Evolution. The Nature Boy is not to be outdone by the most electrifying move in sports entertainment, as he puts his own spin on things. Can I get a Woo!?

T'Ain't Working

Important announcement.

This post, which discusses the private parts of The Big Show at some length, was correctly tagged with the “taint” tag. But for some reason, the “taint” tag won’t show up in our tag cloud with all the other tags on the site. This upsets me way more than it should.

I am now going to mention “taint” in every post until this WordPress glitch is resolved.

That is all.

UPDATE: Apparently adding this second “taint”-tagged post caused the taint tag to appear in the cloud.  Which is weird, because other tags that have only been used once appear in the tag cloud, but taint didn’t.  But, whatever.  Houston, we are a go for taint.

I still reserve the right to mention taint in any and all posts.

"YOU FAT FUCK!" Who, me? "No, the other one."

WrestleMania has many traditions. Naturally, this being the premier event of the wrestling calendar, one of these storied traditions is that non-wrestlers often get to appear in non-wrestling matches. For example, an actor who once played a boxer in a movie might appear in a boxing match against a wrestler. Alternatively, a person famous for betting on baseball might be turned upside down and dropped on his head in a non-match setting. Why, you may ask, is it traditional for a wrestling promotion to have non-wrestling matches featuring non-wrestlers on its premier event? Well you, my friend, just. Don’t. Get it.

Anyway, at this year’s WrestleMania, non-wrestler Floyd Mayweather will face off against almost-a-wrestler The Big Show, in a match that is made all the more exciting by several confrontations leading up to the main event, in which Floyd Mayweather makes googly eyes and mumbles incoherently into a microphone. Immediately afterward, in these standoffs, Big Show gamely pretends not to be able to kill him instantly with one punch to the cock. However, this isn’t The Big Show’s first non-match at WrestleMania — no, back in 2005 he squared off in a sumo match against the equally fat and uninteresting “Akebono” of Japan.

YouTube Preview Image

Now, a fun fact: allegedly, in Japan, fat people are not considered disgusting and grotesque. I know American readers may doubt this, but it appears to be true. I will have to research this some more because it seems incomprehensible to me, but for now, in keeping with Blogger Brody’s post below, I will give you the back story leading up to this match.

…JUST KIDDING! There wasn’t any, because this match was just announced without any angles or back story or clever writing involved. And let’s face it, a good portion of the audience may have declined to purchase this PPV if it was announced to them that Big Show would be wearing a thin stripe of fabric across his “taint” and that, yes indeed, there could be a good chance that his penis and balls could pop out with any awkward stumble. And in the absolute best case scenario, you are still looking at about 5-6 minutes of closeups of his ass cheeks. In that light, not even acknowledging the match on their TV shows was probably a great idea.

So, in the absence of any back story, here, instead, are the top 8 things that are hilarious about this match.

8. Akebono’s robe.
Somewhere, in South Florida, an elderly woman (call her “Estelle”) settles down to eat her gefilte fish and listen to the NPR. She shambles out of the shower, and goes to grab her multicolored patchwork robe, but finds it missing. This robe and hundreds of others just like it were purchased by WWE and knitted together to make Akebono’s housedress.

7. The Big Show’s robe.
Sorry to waste two of these slots on robes, but I definitely feel that robes make up at least 25% of what is the most horrible about this match. The Big Show’s robe looks like someone removed Hulk Hogan’s radioactive orange skin, wrapped it around a Jackson Pollock painting, and then threw up on it.

6. AHHHHHH!
ZOMG please put the robes back on. I won’t make fun of them or call them old senior citizens’ housedresses anymore, I swear. Just please please please put them back on. (By the way, I am 99.999999999% sure that Vince McMahon hated the idea of this match until someone pitched it to him with the angle that both huge fat bastards would be wearing little tiny panties.)

5. Taz not knowing what happens in a sumo match and pretending he is into it.
He false starts the action 3 separate times by my count. I’M SO PUMPED FOR THIS COLLISION!! LET’S GET IT GOING! Followed by about two more minutes of salt-tossing and calisthenics. There is truly only one man on the planet who can absorb such shittiness and act convincingly excited about it, and that is Good Old JR (see any John Cena match for reference). However, in fairness to Taz someone should definitely have given him a show itinerary in which it explained the unbelievably looooooooong length of pre-match activity that would occur before the two extremely unathletic fat people rubbed their titties together. The above clip lasts 8:55 and the first time they even touch each other is 6:20. That’s a LONG time to leave Taz, already not the most diligent student of the English language to put it mildly, with nothing particularly substantive to talk about other than two naked fat men.

4. Michael Cole.
“THIS IS THE FIRST EVER SUMO MATCH IN the WWE!!!!” Like this is actually going to be something they are going to keep doing on every PPV. “Umaga throw the ceremonial salt into the eyes of John Cena!!”

3. What happens when the match finally starts.
I’ll be completely honest, before WrestleMania 21 I had not ever seen an actual sumo match in its entirety. I had seen Hollywood fictional represtentations of a sumo match but my first thought upon watching this was that a real sumo match appears to be when two fat people slap each other in a slapfight like bitches. Then I realized, the Big Show is in this match. So maybe he sucks at sumo wrestling as much as he sucks at wrestling wrestling, and perhaps Akebono is more of a “Randy Orton” than an “HBK” of Sumo, and can’t carry the Big Show to a good match. So I decided not to pass judgment on sumo wrestling — it would be like when you are trying to convince your girlfriend to get into wrestling and just at that moment, Snitsky vs. Hacksaw Jim Duggan comes on the screen, convincing her that wrestling has not really changed at all in 20 years.

2. “YEAAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!”
The Big Show does his patented scream with the hand in the air during the middle of the match. Normally this is The Big Show-ese for “I am preparing to chokeslam you”. However he lowers his chokeslamming hand and just goes back to slapping and rubbing titties with the other obese fellow. I must tell you, The Big Show (can I call you The?), when one is primed for one of your exhilarating chokeslams, and then one does not receive it — well, let’s just say this is very anticlimactic, The. Very anticlimactic.

1. The crowd.
A lot of times I find myself getting upset at crowds for cheering shitty wrestling, making it ever more likely that the shitty wrestlers engaging in the shitty wrestling will be encouraged to continue. Or worse, they start booing things I like, making it more likely that they’ll never try that good thing I like again. In this case though, they were pretty much on point, gasping in disbelief when the robes came off, then yawning and booing throughout the entire match until it was over. A flawless performance of boredom, probably guaranteeing that there will never be another terrible non-wrestling match at WrestleMania ever again!

Although I am petrified in horror after watching this match, I did learn a lesson from all this. The next time someone asks you to recap horrible wrestling (or non-wrestling) clips from WrestleMania, say no. In fact, don’t just say no — say no and then go to the person’s house who asked you to do this and take a giant crap on their living room coffee table.

Ric Flair Winning The WWF Title

As we head closer to Wrestlemania, we are being constantly reminded that Ric Flair is approaching the end of his career. This past Monday night on Raw, Shawn Michaels announced Ric Flair as the first inductee for the 2008 WWE Hall of Fame. This makes Ric Flair the first active wrestler to be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame.

In recent weeks, we’ve been rewinding to some of Ric Flair’s greatest moments. To keep the tradition going, here is another great Ric Flair moment from the 1992 Royal Rumble; where Ric Flair captured the World Wrestling Federation title to become the undisputed heavyweight champion.

Here is some back-story for this match. Ric Flair joined the World Wrestling Federation in 1991, proclaiming himself “The Real World Heavyweight Champion.” Just months earlier, Flair was a top draw for WCW. Departing WCW stemming from a contractual dispute, Flair jumped to the WWF. Bearing the WCW/NWA World Championship and carrying it on WWF television was huge. Ric Flair instantly became a top heel in the WWF, with Bobby Hennan and “Mr. Perfect” Curt Hennig as his “consultants.”

This all cumulated at the 1992 Royal Rumble, where Ric Flair won the Rumble Match to claim the vacant WWF Championship and become the undisputed champion. Flair lasted 59 minutes, eliminating Sid Justice with help from Hulk Hogan. This was the first and only time the WWF or WWE Championship was on the line in the Royal Rumble match. The championship was vacated in December 1991 because of the controversial finish to the Hulk Hogan vs. The Undertaker match during This Tuesday in Texas.

This is truly a historical moment, with a great post-match promo and video package that follows:

YouTube Preview Image

Worst WrestleMania Moments: Triple H and John Cena make their entrances

WrestleMania is just around the corner, and we here at DoubleAxHandle couldn’t be less excited. So, starts a new feature leading up to the granddaddy of them all, WORSTLEMANIA, where we present you with all the memories that we would like to forget, but are forcing ourselves to remember to remind you: YOU SHOULDN’T WASTE 60 BUCKS ON THIS CRAPFEST OF A PPV WHEN YOU CAN JUST DOWNLOAD IT AN HOUR LATER (but you didn’t hear that from us!).

We certainly know that with a headlining match featuring John Cena, Randy Orton and the prodigal son Triple H, it may go down in history as the most boring WrestleMania main event of all time. But, just two short years ago, at WrestleMania 22, we were presented with 2/3rds of this year’s main event. It was the unwatchable force meeting the unwatchable object as Triple H faced John Cena in a match where I just didn’t give a shit who won. Since this was the biggest show of the year, and this was the main event of the biggest show of the year, some genius in the truck though ‘Well, let’s have the biggest entrances ever!’. Unfortunately, they failed. EPIC FAILED! First out is the challenger, Triple H, who is sporting a Conan the Barbarian look…

YouTube Preview Image

We get it, you’re the King of Kings (whatever that means). What I want to know, Trips, is why do you even need to face John Cena for the world title? You already got your own shiny custom King of Kings belt. You don’t even need this match, JUST LEAVE! And save us the agony of 20 minutes of rest holds and methodical (read:boring) wrestling.

Then, we get the entrance of champion, John Cena. I swear, the first words of his intro are “The Great Depression…” well, yeah. Anytime I see Cena, it makes me depressed to be a wrestling fan. See, Cena is a gangsta wanna-be, so what better entrance than to come out like a faux-20s-gangster. Its so terrible, I couldn’t even find the clip on its own on Youtube. If you care to be bored for 2 minutes the video is below (FF 2 minutes in to cringe at his entrance)

YouTube Preview Image

Triple H and John Cena will go down in infamy as the worst pair of entrances in WrestleMania history! Stay tuned in the coming weeks as we present more WORSTLEMANIA!

KURT ANGLE LOSES WORLD TITLE!!!!!!

…the IWGP heavyweight title, that is. Our sources reveal that Kurt dropped the title in a far away land known as Japan to a behemoth of a monster Shinsuke Nakamura. Our sources confirm it was a unification match for the two titles, much like when Razor Ramon and Shawn Michaels unified the Intercontinental Title at Wrestle Mania X. Personally, I have yet to watch the match, I was too busy blogging about it, but Blogger T approves so check it out before it gets removed for copyright reasons:

YouTube Preview Image YouTube Preview Image

The only 5 minutes of No Way Out you really need to see

http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=28582229

The Big Show made his surprise return last night at a so-so No Way Out, and his segment was definitely the strongest part of the show. Floyd Mayweather, who my sources tell me, is a boxing champion, kept a straight face and looked legit pissed that Show was messing with his buddy Rey. Really good, legit looking angle.

Looks like they are headed towards a tag match with Rey/Floyd vs. Big Show and a partner at WrestleMania, most likely Shane McMahon. Nothing is yet set in stone, as Rey Mysterio’s injury put a monkeywrench in the plans.

So…Pillman really didn't want to shoot Austin?

Browsing on YouTube this afternoon, I ran into a nice find. Remember that controversial skit between Steve Austin and Brian Pillman? You know. The one where Pillman pulled out a 9mm pistol on live television.

Well, I hate to break it to our loyal DoubleAxHandle fans.. but it was all fake! That’s right. The WWE lies to you and your children.

Here’s your proof (side note: It seems that this footage was taken from a live feed of Raw that was taped over an old episode of Nitro; as shown on the end of Part 2):

YouTube Preview Image

YouTube Preview Image

When searching Google for "steroids"…

Batista

Look what the FIRST image result is. Don’t believe me? Try for yourself.

Randy Savage: 4 1/2 Star Match with a Hamster.

Deduct 1/2 star because it lacks a clean finish.

YouTube Preview Image

Page 1 of 212


Speaking Out

Tags

Abyss andre the giant ashley awesome Batista Beth Phoenix big daddy v big show bobby heenan Bret Hart candace michelle chris jericho chyna ECW elizabeth floyd mayweather georgia gobbledygooker GREAT KHALI hacksaw jim duggan hulk hogan jim ross John Cena kurt angle LOLWrestlers mae young maria michael cole Randy Orton randy savage RAW ric flair roh santino marella snoop dogg Steroids taint Ultimate Warrior vince mcmahon WCW WORSTLEMANIA WrestleMania wrestling WWE WWF

Categories