Place Your Bets

WrestleMania has been called the Super Bowl of wrestling. And there are definitely similarities. For example, just like with WrestleMania, there is usually about a month’s worth of hype for the Super Bowl and, this year aside, compared to all the hype, the Super Bowl is usually a boring, anticlimactic mess just like WrestleMania. Also, in the Super Bowl, just like in WrestleMania, there are usually about 15 minutes of the event that wind up being worth watching. Another similarity is that the Super Bowl airs on broadcast television for free, much like WrestleMania airs for free on WWE television for the following several weeks after they have convinced several thousand suckers to pay $60 for it.

However the biggest difference between the two is that the degenerate fans of football will bet on anything from the final score of the Super Bowl, to the number of punts, to the coin toss. The degenerate fans of wrestling don’t have anything to bet on since the outcomes are predetermined. But wouldn’t it be nice if we could bet on all the dumb stuff that will happen? Here is the betting line for WrestleMania XXIV.


“What a devastating sidewalk slam!” — Michael Cole

MISCELLANEOUS
Over/under on the percentage of successful attempts by Mike Adamle to pronounce the names of wrestlers he has never heard of until bell time: 18%
Over/under on the number of visible eyebags on Mike Adamle despite the best efforts of a highly paid WWE makeup staff: 3.5
Chances that the worst match (“BunnyMania” women’s tag match) will last longer than the best match (“Money in the Bank”): 50%
Chances that the WWE will produce some dumbass skit featuring 1980s wrestlers, identical to the 150 other skits they have produced in the past five years: 91%
Over/under on the percentage of moves Michael Cole incorrectly calls a sidewalk slam: 84.5%
Over/under on the total number of minutes of the show spent watching restholds: 47
Over under on the number of minutes taken up by replaying things we’ve already seen on television: 37 Chances that Aretha Franklin will sneak into the backstage area by claiming to be Big Daddy V, do a heel turn, attack John Legend, and take his place singing America the Beautiful: 1% (but we can hope)


Above: America the Not-So-Beautiful.

HALL OF FAME INDUCTION
Over/under on how many inappropriate chants happen during the Hall of Fame ceremony: 15
Chances that Mae Young will go topless while accepting her HOF induction: 89%
Chances that anyone will mention, during Peter Maivia and Rocky Johnson’s induction, how offensive their gimmicks were: 0.00000004%
Chances of someone saying “WWF” during the show: 63%

BUNNYMANIA
Over/under on the total number of wrestling moves executed correctly in the women’s match, by anyone other than Beth Phoenix: 1.5
Chances that the most entertaining thing about the women’s match is:

  • Santino Marella getting on the mic: 75%
  • Nipple slip or butt-crack exposure: 25%
  • Anything wrestling-related: 0%


Above: Pin dropping (can be heard
during WWE women’s matches).

Chances that Snoop Dogg will say something in an interview that indicates he hasn’t watched any wrestling since WrestleMania IV: 83%
Chances of Snoop Dogg specifically saying “WWF”: 97.2%
Chances that the crowd reaction at any given time during the actual match is greater than the reaction during the women’s entrances: 8%
Chances of a fart being heard from the audience because they are so silent during this match: 47%
Chances of sudden torrential downpour in the open-air Orange Citrus Bowl improving this match: 97%


Fig. 1: Unstoppable force.

24-MAN BATTLE ROYALE
Over/under on the number of times that Snitsky, even though he is flabby, out of shape, only 2 inches or so taller than the average WWE wrestler, and has lost every televised match he has been involved in for 6 years, will be portrayed as an unstoppable monster: 14
Over/under on the length of time The Great Khali is in the ring before sustaining a continuous “BOO” becomes a vocal impossibility for the crowd: 4:27
Over/under on the length of time the Great Khali will remain in the match before awkwardly stepping over the top rope and pretending to be eliminated: 15:29 (11 minutes past the continuous booing threshhold)
Chances that Hacksaw Jim Duggan will get a better fan reaction than anyone else in the match: 81%

UMAGA vs. BATISTA
Over/under on the number of times that any of the announcers assert their balls in the “my brand is better than your brand” debate, even though all three brands appear on each other’s shows constantly: 19.5
Chances that Umaga stares at a piece of simple electronic equipment in wonderment and awe, as if it is a god that fell to earth, even though he wrestles in arenas full of electrical equipment 250 days a year: 57%
Chances that Umaga’s incoherent rambling in Samoan is more understandable than Batista’s pre-match promo: 92%
Over/under on the number of chair-shots or other vicious blows to the head which Umaga will no-sell because he is supposed to be a Samoan with a stereotypically rock hard head: 4
Over/under on the number of simple fists to the head Umaga will sell as legit, and stagger, even though he seemingly cannot be hurt in the head by a chair: 34
Over/under on the number of times the announcers refer to Umaga as “unstoppable” or a similar adjective, even though, like Snitsky, he never wins a match except against 150 lb. jobbers: 11
Over/under on the increase in popcorn sales during Batista’s offensive sequences: 35%

BELFAST BRAWL
Chances that JBL’s intro/ring entrance will last longer than the time elapsed in the match before he needs a resthold break: 74%
Chances of anyone expressing any interest in who Vince McMahon’s real bastard son is, now that Finley is Hornswoggle’s father: 4%

ECW CHAMPIONSHIP
Chances that one of the two guys fighting over the ECW title will be from ECW: 12%
Chances that WWE will update their website to include “ECW Champion” under Chavo’s “list of career highlights” before he loses the belt: 2%

MAYWEATHER vs. BIG SHOW
Chances that Big Show just says “fuck it” and legitimately snaps Mayweather in half: 6%
Chances that Big Show plays it by the book, but still clumsily gives Mayweather a legitimate injury by accident: 64%
Over/under on the number of people watching who are hoping one of the above happens: 257,951
Chances that Mayweather gets through a complete sentence without mumbling, stuttering, or some other miscue in his pre-match promo: 0.004%
Chances of Mayweather saying “WWF”: 28%
Chances of the winner of the Money in the Bank match using his title shot to challenge Mayweather for his boxing title after he is laying in a mangled heap in the ring: 0% (and yet, way more entertaining than whatever really happens)

RIC FLAIR vs. SHAWN MICHAELS
Chances that Vince McMahon can restrain himself from appearing in the climax of this match, and imprinting himself on Ric Flair’s moment of glory into retirement: 1%


Above: More mobile than MVP.

MONEY IN THE BANK
Chances that MVP ever actually gets on the ladder: 40%
Chances that MVP takes a respectable bump involving the ladder: 21%
Chances that MVP tries to put the ladder in a chinlock: 91%
Chances that someone will use the money in the bank privileges to challenge for:

  • The RAW title: 60%
  • The Smackdown title: 31%
  • The women’s championship: 5%
  • One of the fake belts that are sold at WWE concession stands: 2%
  • The belt holding Jerry Lawler’s pants up: 0.999995%
  • The ECW title: .000005%


Who will be the lesser of three boredoms?

RANDY ORTON vs. JOHN CENA vs. HHH
Chances that JR or someone else will say that this match is “unprecedented” or “historic” — even though we have been seeing thousands of different boring permutations of these three guys fighting each other on RAW for what seems like about 3½ years now: 99.7%
Over/under on the number of people in the crowd and home audience rooting for the guy they dislike the least: 194,000
Chances that at some point HHH and Randy Orton will both have to bring the action to a screeching halt, lie still and pretend to be incapacitated for a ridiculously long amount of time, after a simple move like a side suplex, so that John Cena can perform a five knuckle shuffle: 83%
Chances that John Cena does a “military salute” with the wrong hand again: 50%
Chances that HHH will hit someone with a sledgehammer in a completely non-threatening way like running it into their gut, or use the less-damaging stick end of it: 71%
Chances that HHH will actually use a sledgehammer the way someone would use it if it was a real fight, by swinging it like a baseball bat: 0%
Chances that anyone will point out that using a sledgehammer isn’t as badass as it sounds, if you’re going to use it in the safest possible way for your opponent: 0%
Chances that there will be another massive wave of steroid suspensions in the WWE between now and bell time, and they will have to replace the main eventers with The Miz, Sho Funaki, and Jimmy Wang Yang: 9%

Got any hot tips to add to the betting line for WrestleMania? Stick ‘em in the comments and I will post any good ones. (Don’t worry if it’s after WrestleMania is over. This doesn’t have to make any sense, it’s about the WWE!!)

The Nature Boy is a cunning linguist

We’re less than 48 hours away from the biggest ripoff of the year, which will most likely feature the retirement of the greatest wrestler of all time, Ric Flair.

Now much like the the title of this post says, Flair was one cunning linguist. Some people would even argue that Flair is a poet. One of those people would most likely be an online Flair advocate who goes by the alias of Poodleface who has edited together two masterpieces showing off Flair’s (what the hip hoppers call) mad flow

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WorstleMania V: The Worst Has Yet To Come

I have been a wrestling fan for nineteen years, growing up on the World Wrestling Federation. Catching Superstars of Wrestling and Wrestling Challenge weekly on my local affiliate, with seldom viewings of World Championship Wrestling at my grandparents’ place because they had TBS and I didn’t.

My earliest memory of watching Professional Wrestling was when the Mega Powers crumbled on NBC‘s prime-time special, The Main Event. After that show, wrestling became a huge part in my life. Tape trading, actions figures, live events, I was engulfed with every aspect of it.

It became more than just a fad with the cumulation of the Monday Night Wars between WWF‘s RAW and WCW‘s Nitro. And let’s not forget about Extreme Championship Wrestling, which was a true alternative to anything you’ve ever seen at the time. Wrestling was on the rise, booming like it did it in the 80s. It was an exciting period to be a wrestling fan.

Unfortunately, all good things eventually do come to an end.

WCW closed shop in 2001 when AOL merged with Time Warner, causing the conglomerate to pull its funding and take WCW off the air on TBS and TNT. ECW folded soon after claiming bankruptcy. Then, since they’re no longer a threat, Vince McMahon acquired the licensing, rights and tape libraries for WCW and ECW; which he has used quite excessively in producing endless DVD releases and starting a 24/7 OnDemand service for a monthly fee.

Without any viable competition, the World Wrestling Federation decided to fight themselves. This started with the “Invasion” angle, with Shane McMahon joining forces with Stephanie McMahon as the Alliance fought for ultimate supremacy against Vince McMahon and the WWF; which included mid-carders from each brand that were able to maintain their jobs in the new wrestling conglomerate.

Still on top of the wrestling world, Vince McMahon decided to sway towards the realm of Sports Entertainment. The nerve! And still lacking any real competition, Vinnie Mac implemented a brand split between Monday Night Raw and Thursday/Friday Night Smackdown!. Separate titles, rosters, general managers, announcers, and so on. If that wasn’t enough, they added a third brand, ECW. Adding more titles, another roster, a general manager, announcers, etc. And that is the world that we live in today.

The absence of a true competitive market has caused the WWE’s product to become homogeneous. Quality was replaced with quantity, in that there was more WWE programming available; yet, it the same recycled booking and treacherous angles we’ve seen many, many times over.

With all that said, I will not be ordering WrestleMania this weekend. The sole reason is that there is nothing on the show that is compelling enough for me to spend $60 and waste four hours of my life on. I am no longer the childhood fan that I used to be. And it may be due to the fact that Sports Entertainment is not wrestling. Wrestling became Sports Entertainment. In turn, Sports Entertainment killed the wrestling fan inside of me. Vince doesn’t cater to our kind anymore.

To be fair, I’d like to give this Sunday’s card a quick analysis. Let’s browse through the top five matches and see if there is any hint that this year will be any less exciting than last year’s event.


The Big Show vs. Floyd “Money” Mayweather

  • How many times have we seen a boxer square off against a wrestler? Mr. T and “Rowdy” Roddy Piper, Antonio Inoki and Muhammad Ali, Andre The Giant and Chuck Wepner, Butterbean and Bart Gunn. I’m sure there are more and each of these fights have historical significance. Yes, even Butterbean and Bart Gunn had some sort of impact on the wrestling world; albeit, I believe it was detrimental.
  • With the rumored pay out of $20 million going to “Money” Mayweather, why not hire writers, staffers, and road agents to improve your product in the long-term. Rather than handover a large payout for a one-time match that will most likely expose the wrestling business even further, why not try putting that money to better use?
  • My point is this: What’s the appeal? David versus Goliath? Well, yeah. Whoever thinks that Mayweather is not going to get over on Big Show is living in a dream world. But, why should we care enough to purchase a $60 pay-per-view only to see something that will be replayed on WWE’s programming for the next decade? Its Sports Entertainment, baby!


John Cena vs. Randy Orton vs. Triple H

  • This should be self-explanatory, especially if you have been following the product in the last three years. How many times can we see some sort of variation between Cena/Orton/Triple H going at it? Enough is enough! Seriously, enough. Why won’t it stop??
  • Even if you decide to catch this match at some point following the show, we all know who is going to walk out of Wrestlemania the KING OF KINGS. There is only one.
  • The one person I kinda like in this match, Randy Orton, has no chance. Knowing that much about this triple threat title match, I care even less about the outcome (HAIL THE KING OF KINGS!!!).
  • Oh yeah. Did I mention how much I love Triple H? Watch this five star clip of him tearing off an Invisible Shirt! I think we have our main event for WrestleMania XXV.


Shawn Michaels vs. Ric Flair

  • I <3 Ric Flair. I’m also a long-time fan of Shawn Michaels. However, both are middle-aged, passed their prime, and have wrestled one another before. The huge sell for this is that it may be Ric Flair’s “last” match. Bullshit. Even if Flair does lose, this will not be his last match. The guy cannot survive without wrestling. He will be back doing one-night only matches, or some sort of role in wrestling that has kept guys like Terry Funk and Hulk Hogan relevant.
  • HBK can carry anyone to a decent match (ie: John Cena, Hulk Hogan, Kurt Angle). So, I’m not going to trash this one as bad as the others, because if I didn’t have such a disdain for the current product, this match would be my sole reason for ordering the event.


The Undertaker vs. Edge

  • While this may be the only title match worth watching this WrestleMania, I’m still indifferent. Yes, they have been pushing this feud for about year. Yes, its Edge’s World Title vs. Undertaker’s WrestleMania Streak. But, no, I still don’t care. I can only attribute that to my lack of interest in WWE’s Smackdown! brand. Honestly, who watches something that is comparable to the final days of World Championship Wrestling? Why waste your time.
  • That was a little harsh. I’ll admit that. But, Smackdown! really does suck. It’s too bad that these two guys, who are incredibly talented, are stuck on a the B-show. Hell, I’d actually say Smackdown! is the C-show (even ECW is passable for being on for one less hour a week).
  • Edge has proven to be an ingenious heel. The dude is making out with the late Eddie Guerrero‘s wife on network television. Additionally, Edge has cashed in his Money in the Bank opportunity in two innovative ways, each time after the champion went through a previously grueling match. I’m a fan. Though, we’ve seen Edge face off against the Undertaker in other variations. And I’m sure we’re going to see it again. Probably, on Smackdown! next week. For free.


Money in the Bank Ladder Match

  • This has become a tradition for WrestleMania in the past few years. The concept of this match is that whoever climbs the ladder and grabs the briefcase is the winner and gets a title shot within a one year period. Last year, Ken Kennedy won the match and lost his title shot to Edge. So, um, what’s the point of having a Money in the Bank Ladder match if the winner can lose their privilege at a title shot? Seems contradictory.
  • With Jeff Hardy‘s recent 60 day suspension, and exclusion from the Money in the Bank Ladder match, we are left with only other seven participants. They didn’t even bother replacing Jeff Hardy’s spot. Although, I wouldn’t be surprised if they substituted one Hardy for another. You know, to see if anyone notices. Or cares.
  • I’m not going to downplay that these matches tend to be quite entertaining. It may be good enough to outshine everything else on the card. But, is that really saying much about the rest of the card? Is one great match worth sitting through nine other predictable matches?

To close, I’d like to say that if this year’s WrestleMania exceeds my expectations, and since hindsight is always 20/20, I’ll admit that I jumped the gun and may catch the replay. But, I didn’t bother with WrestleMania last year. I felt that choice was justified when I read the review following the show. I have a feeling that this year will not be much different. Therefore, I will not be ordering WrestleMania this year.

God Bless The Internet.

The Ultimate Warrior wants to come

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Videos like this are the reason why YouTube was created.

Dogg Meets Turkey

Well, the sun came up today! You know what that means — some dumb shit must be happening at WWE.com.

snoopcena
(Above: Snoop Dogg (l), thug in a polo shirt (r))

It’s been a while since we have looked in on WWE Superstar to Superstar, a feature in which celebrities lower themselves to appearing on WWE media to hawk their upcoming movie or album, agreeing to be  interviewed by some dumbass wrestler. In the early days of this blog, we covered the extremely shitty MVP interviewing his shitty counterpart in the music world, will.i.am from the Black Eyed Peas.  Now, we dig into the archives and discover that preppie-masquerading-as-a-gangsta, John Cena, once interviewed ex-gangsta-turned-commercial-pop-sellout Snoop Dogg.

I was about to write an introduction to this piece, but quite honestly nothing I write can possibly be funnier than WWE’s own introduction to the original interview:

For the second installment of WWE.com’s Superstar to Superstar, WWE Champion John Cena took a few moments to talk to fellow hip-hop artist Snoop Dogg. (emphasis added)

…(pause)…

Yes, you read that right — “fellow hip-hop artist.” John Cena is Snoop Dogg’s “fellow hip-hop artist.” I believe in much in the same way that Isaac Yankem meets a “fellow dentist” when he goes to get a root canal, or Irwin R. Schyster goes to see his “fellow CPA” at tax time.

John Cena: Hey, Snoop, what’s happenin’, man?

Snoop Dogg: Good, how you doin’?

Cena: Starting out, is there anything you want to say to our viewers on WWE.com? The album is out, it’s available, it’s in stores. I’ve got it and it is unbelievable, man. I kind of walked through the story of the album. You do a lot of things in this thing. You keep it hard, with tracks by The Game and Ice Cube. You’re having some fun with Akon. You’re sending a message, too, man – you got Stevie Wonder on there.

I agree, Stevie Wonder and Akon on the same album sends a message. The message is, “Let’s fuck lots of whores with ass implants, perform illegal sex acts on stage, then pray for world peace.”

Snoop: Well, you know, basically, it’s Snoop Dogg all wrapped up in one.

In case you think Snoop is misusing a common phrase in the English language, as in “(Thing 1), (thing 2), … (thing “n”) all wrapped up into one”, using it to apply to one thing only which defeats the purpose of the saying, let me set you fools straight. Snoop actually hired a team of geneticists to clone him 7 times, then wrap up all 8 versions of himself up into one superhuman Snoop Dogg before recording this album. Suck on THAT, pedantic bitch-ass linguists.

Snoop: If you know Snoop Dogg, you know he do it every which way – he do it in his own exiting way, and that’s what this record is representing. It’s just a piece of me in every style that you always love me in, whether it’s gangsta, whether it’s with a message, whether it’s something for the ladies, whether it’s something for the club, whether it’s something just to get you hyped up before you go out there and whoop some ass as a wrestler, you understand what I’m saying?

Cena: That is indeed what I’m saying, man. Honestly, I was truly, truly taken back. You got 21 joints in this album. And that is indeed 21 true joints.

Say what you want about John Cena, but you have to give him credit for one thing — he has the lingo down. If there is anything that screams “street cred”, it is using the word “indeed“. A word that can thug out any sentence immediately.


“INDEED?! Seriously? Come on, that’s like the one thing I say.”

Examples:
- “Today, I was not at all, even in the slightest, predisposed to make use of my A.K. Indeed, one would have to declare it a good day.”

- “She’ll avail herself of my money/when I’m in need/Oh, she certainly is a woman of ill repute and questionable morals, indeed.”

- “Indeed, fuck yo couch.”

Cena: I want to take a second to just talk about Track 18, called “Beat Up on Yo Pads.” Obviously this is something that is near and dear to you. This is a direct shoutout to the kids involved in the Snoop Football League. You want to talk about that for a second?

“I want to take a second to talk about this song, which I was not prompted at all to do by your PR people. I also have the track number memorized, to prove that I have listened to this album many hundreds of times. Please talk about the meaning behind this song, which I did not plan to ask you about in any way in a preparatory pre-interview.”

Snoop: Yes, sir. Like I said, when I made that song it took me back to when I was a youngster and me and my homies, we used to just sit around and beat on our pads and try to make beats and come out with those sayings about the team that we was ready to play and how good we was.

You know, when Snoop Dogg talks about his life in the streets, I can’t help think how similar it is to the upbringing of John Cena, who used to sit around with his homies in the halls of his preparatory boarding school, making hip-hop beats by kicking the minority servants if they did not bring the chamomile tea piping hot, blasting Mozart from their Bentleys, and coming up with Latin verb conjugations that would intimidate the opposing polo team.

They’re really like two peas in a pod.

Cena: This is a joint I heard that really put a good sense about the whole album on me. This is something that you got everybody listening to the Snoop Dogg.

Me personally, I like to listen to “the Snoop Dogg”, right after I listen to “the ABBA”, and immediately before I turn on “the Slayer” or “the Dave Matthews”.

Cena: Literally you have done so much for the game of hip-hop and kind of overextended the normal boundaries. Seriously, you are pretty much a household name in the industry of hip-hop, so you got a lot of people listening to this. This is the type of joint that can make everybody say that although you are talking about truth at points, you are talking about what’s real.

“Although you are talking about truth at points, you are talking about what’s real.” Give me a moment here, as I make the necessary adjustments to help me understand this turn of phrase.

***conks self on head with gigantic cartoon mallet until a Fred Flintstone lump appears and birds circle head***

OK, now it all makes sense. Truth, with the real, at points, joint, joint, joint, game of hip-hop. Indeed, son.

Cena: You’re still moving in a positive direction and sending a positive message, especially to the youth out there who have a choice on which way to go with their lives.

Much like you, John Cena! You send the message that you don’t actually have to excel at the profession you’re in to rise to the top of it. Just stick your nose way up your boss’s ass, and you can be promoted with company propaganda as the most popular wrestler in your company even though everyone in the audience over the age of 16 thinks you suck and audibly boos you all the time.


Above: Slightly less kindhearted and
caring than Snoop Dogg.

Snoop: Yeah, you know that even in your profession, there’s so many kids that look up to us when they see us on TV and they aspire upon what we do. A lot of times we never get a chance to say how much they mean to us and how much we want them to learn from what we’ve been through and what we’re doing. That’s why I wanted to take time to make a song and pour my heart all into it. Trying to get at a kid one-on-one, that’s too hard. I’d rather get to all of them at one time.

This is actually getting me a little misty eyed. I didn’t see it at the time, but when he wrote “When a bitch get a attitude, pop it like it’s hot” I can see that he was really putting his heart on the line for the children. Same with “Bitchez ain’t shit but hoez and tricks” — that one really spoke to the youth of America, I thought. It takes a special kind of artist to put his credibility and critical acclaim on the line to make such soul-searching work.

Cena: I noticed there’s a lot of guest appearances on this album, and only a few new dogs on this thing. A lot of your old crew – you got MC Eiht, E-40, you got Kurupt, Nate Dogg, R. Kelly – the list goes on and on,

…and I am not reading it off of notes on my hand…

Cena: but it’s mostly people you’ve been down with since day one. What is your current view on the state of hip-hop as a whole?

Snoop: I think the state of hip-hop is in a great biz, right now it’s on. You used to have rappers come in the game and want to own a gold chain and a car, now they coming into the game owning their own record company, they own publishing, they own a clothing line, they get movie deals. They’re really establishing themselves as conglomerates and really making mass amounts of money, and really making an impression on the world.


Soon to appear on the Forbes 500.

That's nice. Everyone's conglomerating so the state of hip-hop is great. Awesome. Any opinion on what the fucking music sounds like? I seem to remember that the term "hip-hop" used to refer to something other than clothing lines. I might have missed it, but maybe he slipped it in there between "conglomerates" and "mass amounts of money".Remember when musical acts were frowned upon for being commercial? Like, Metallica became a joke and alienated their fanbase, because they became so ridiculously over the top sold-out. It doesn't seem like that long ago to me. Now, in any genre really, not just rap, it seems like you're a huge pussy if you aren't a mass-produced ringtone factory.At any rate, hip-hop will never die, it will just merge with General Electric I guess. Conglomerate on, Snoop:

Snoop: So the state of hip-hop is in the best state it’s ever been because there’s more money involved, there’s more business involved. There’s more creativity because you’re starting to look at commercials on TV now, and it has to have hip-hop involved in it, whether it’s old school or new school. You have to take a piece of hip-hop and put it in a part of everything, or nothing sells. We sell everything, you understand what I’m saying?

Yes, I understand Snoop, you sell EVERYTHING. Even to the point of whoring yourself out so low to sell your album that you do an interview with a lame-ass butt-kissing cracka like John Cena. Someone you probably would have shot on sight if he tried to talk to you 15 years ago, or put him in a dress and made his bitch ass walk the track.

Progress!

Snoop: It’s a beautiful thing to see that even hip-hop has even reached off into the wrestling world. Me and my son, we love you for what you doing, for real.
Cena: Thank you, man. (Laughs.)

Really? What's he watching? Was Cryme Tyme standing behind Cena when he said this? Remind me when was the last time John Cena rapped on television.

Ooh, I just realized, maybe he means Cena is "hip-hop" in the new sense having nothing to do with music, about conglomerating and being a corporate shilling whore.

Snoop: We just did a little thing the other day, and they was asking, they wanted him to talk in-depth and he don’t really speak in-depth. They was like, “Who you like? Who are your favorite wrestlers?” He was like, “John Cena.” They were like, “Why?” He was like, “’Cause he tight!” They was like, “No, explain why.” He was like, “He just tight!” to explain – it’s like transcending.

Amazingly, Snoop Dogg's son has a better vocabulary than most other John Cena fans.

Snoop: They like, “Why you like him?” He said, “’Cause he can rap good and he wrestles.”

Wow. Someone get his son some actual footage of John Cena so he can rethink that statement before going on record. He can rap good and he wrestles are two things John Cena most definitely does not do. Maybe he meant "he wears chains and a football jersey, and he does restholds". Or maybe WWE spliced some footage of KRS-1 into a Flair-Steamboat match and showed it to Snoop's son, telling him it was John Cena as a cruel joke on a youngster.

Snoop: And I’m gonna tell you, if you wasn’t doing what you supposed to be doing, we wouldn’t be doing this interview.
Cena: Exactly.

Maybe I am crazy, but the way I read that was that Snoop wouldn't be paired up with this jive ass honky for this interview, if said honky didn't have a fake hip-hop image created out of thin air by Vince McMahon. If not for his bullshit gimmick, he would be interviewing Panic at the Disco. Of course Cena assumes it is a compliment and wholeheartedly agrees.

OK, our crack research team has handed me a note in answer to my earlier request to remind me when the last time John Cena actually rapped was, and apparently it is so long ago that very little footage of this exists anymore. I believe the last time that Snoop Dogg saw John Cena on television was 2002.

Actually I'm starting to think that Snoop Dogg doesn't actually watch WWE and *might* be doing this interview just to get publicity. Don't quote me on that.

Snoop: I love what you doing and how you doing it. You doing it in a real fly way. I even said something to the effect of you could even get Snoop Dogg in a wrestling uniform and we could tag team.

Wrestling uniform?! OK, my earlier assessment may have been wrong... Now, I think Snoop Dogg has never actually seen a WWE show because he thinks that the wrestlers wear "uniforms". Or maybe he only saw one episode of WWE wrestling and it was "The RAW Bowl".

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Cena: Ah, I might call in that favor, man. I’ll be honest with you, never say never on that one.
Snoop: Yeah, you call in that favor. Just hold him up and let me slap the s*** out of him and I’ll walk up out the ring. (Laughs.) For real.

What a fresh and interesting direction to go with this interview. I have never seen this type of banter template used before in this way.

CELEBRITY: I would one day like to wrestle with you.

WRESTLER: Indeed, that would be a fine idea.

CELEBRITY: No, I really mean it. I'm totally not saying it because this is the part I have to adlib in, and I can't think of any other fun way to interact with you because you are a dumb wrestler. I am really serious. We could do a flying drop kick and body slams like Sandy the Macho Man, and Andrew the Giant.

Cena: That’s my Dogg. (Laughs.) I’m not going to take anymore of your time. I just wanted to say on a personal note, Track 20 with you and Dre back together, is awesome for me, man. That is the bomb on the whole album.


Above: People who "get" John Cena's lingo.

OK. I know the point of this whole thing is mockery. But honestly it's painful to me to read John "Mr. Street Cred Rapper" Cena's misuse of street slang. First of all, no one has said "the bomb" without irony in about 15 years -- I think I heard it on a rerun of The Fresh Prince the other day. Secondly, even back when your target audience's parents used to use that phrase, it was not used that way ("That is the bomb on the whole album"). It just sounds like you are using regular non-slang English and saying that song is the bomb of the album, i.e., shitty.

I think the whole album is tight. You brought out names – the list of cameos is unbelievable. You truly did roll out the “Blue Carpet.” It’s good to see you back doing your thing. I want to let WWE fans know the album is in stores now, they can go cop it.

Yes, definitely go "cop" it. It's "the bomb". Then you can put it on and "get jiggy with it", while you "rap to some fly slimmies" and don't forget to wear your "jimmy hat" when you "do the wild thing". Word is bond, yo.

Cena: You could tell, you could tell that, man. Every song on the album’s got a story and every story is great, man. Snoop, I want to thank you very much for your time. I know WWE is going to check it out and enjoy it.
Snoop: And big John Cena, there’s only nothin’ to it but to do it. If you ever need somebody’s ass kicked on the DL, holla at me.
Cena: You got it, man. Tha Blue Carpet Treatment, in stores now. The animated The Adventures of Tha Blue Carpet Treatment, look for it in March. But I’m telling you, Blue Carpet Treatment is out and it is very, very heavy, in stores now. Snoop, thank you so much, I appreciate it.
Snoop: Good luck. And John, be good.

But not at wrestling! You might lose your job and have to support yourself by rapping.

LOLWrestlers VII — LOLapalooza

lolcena

loltrish

lolnash

lolkurtangle

lolbrutus

lolmelina

Hat tip to Miss Elizablog for #2, #4 and #5.

Teddy Hart + Weed + Camera = Entertainment

It’s no secret how we feel about Teddy Hart. I found the below clip online, and I think no cynical, smarky commentary do it justice. This video speaks for itself.

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Do you notice how he accidentally rhymes when he talks? You can tell Teddy spends a lot of time talking to himself in front of a mirror. People at independant shows need to make a rule not to put a camera in front of Hart’s face right after he got high!

Buff Blogwell adds: Would you, could you, with some weed? Would you, could you, yes indeed!

greeneggsandted2

Nigel McGuinness is not a robot

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ROH is so fucking awesome that their weekly 10 minute Youtube clips are more entertaining than 5 hours of WWE “sports-entertainment.” Their latest video wire is especially amazing, as recently turned heel, and ROH champion, Nigel McGuinness has a sit-down interview with ROH commentator, Dave Prazak (who he keeps calling Prozak). During the interview, Nigel goes off on all the marks in ROH who give him shit, and basically pwns the fuck out of them. We here at DoubleAxHandle give Nigel our seal of approval.

The only thing I disagree with, is during his speech he talks about how he bets people doubted American Dragon when he first won the title and thought he was boring, but won them over. Well, Dragon didn’t win me over. He’s still boring as hell to me!

And, if you’re reading this Nigel, whenever you want to have some tea and crumpets, you are more than welcome at the DoubleAxHandle headquaters

Buff Blogwell adds:  Check out 7:55, he called American Dragon an al-BEEN-o!!  That’s got to be the word of the week at dXh.

Lé Shockmaster

A few months ago, when DoubleAxHandle was just a twinkle in our collective eyes, we all gathered together to watch some crappy PPV at our buddy’s house. We started talking about terrible wrestling angles, and the legendary Shockmaster came up. For all you young kiddies, the Shockmaster was Fred Ottoman aka Tugboat aka Typhoon. He was supposed to be this Terminator like character, except, in his debut appearance, when breaking through a wall, he totally fucked up and fell and lost his mask. So we were trying to explain this to our friend, and just had to show him the clip. Somehow we stumbled onto to some foreign film interpretation of it…

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Clearly, this is the product of the Mid West, acid and a lot of free time. KUDOS!

RAW… Is… Pigeon Poop and Midget Sex


Above: Your best friend while watching RAW.

Hey, it’s Tuesday afternoon! You know what that means — I have finished watching the four other things that were on during Monday Night RAW which I would rather watch, and it is time to fire up the DVR for a recap. Fast-forwarding finger activate!

- Two things nobody likes appear in the first match: casket matches and Mark Henry. Nothing very interesting happens in this match, but I will say that Undertaker‘s new submission hold is really gay. Not “gay” as in uncool, as the kiddies say, because it is actually pretty cool. I mean gay as in “homosexual looking”. More so when Mark Henry starts drooling on his crotch while the hold is being applied

Also, maybe my fine colleagues in this blog who read dirtsheets can answer this — wasn’t Mark Henry’s 10-year contract up a couple of years ago? Does this mean they re-signed him to be a jobber?


“What?! I really had to go.”

- The WrestleMania commercial where Carlito gets pooped on by a seagull, again. Listen, I’m not a super Carlito mark or anything — he’s OK. But jeez. In the past couple of months he has jobbed to a midget, and bird poop. I wouldn’t even wish that on The Highlanders, who are actual jobbers.

- These Skittles commercials are getting more and more creepy. The one with the guy who has the “Skittle touch” is more poignant and depressing, than funny. This one with the piñata guy is just plain freakish — I didn’t even get that he was a piñata guy, until he verbally got the point across by saying he got beat with a bat with the expectation of candy coming out. He just looks like a guy in a ragged suit, whose skin is repulsively melting off his face.

They kind of work as surrealism, although I don’t know how effective they are at getting people to buy Skittles, which one would assume is the intended point. I am now starting to have a knee-jerk revulsion to Skittles whenever I happen to see them at the grocery store, because of these commercials.


Above: Hornswoggle — Just For JBL?

- Speaking of endorsements, I am sure Just For Men Haircolor is proud to learn that the “Slam of the Week” they are sponsoring was the implied butt-slamming of Hornswoggle by JBL in the hospital last week with the lights off. I wonder if WWE has some deal where the sponsor has no say in these, or if they actually cleared this with them. If so, maybe they are trying to reach the “creepy gray-bearded homosexual midget fetishist” demographic.

Also, I always wonder why the hospital allows people to visit and then kick the shit out of people, let alone allow a crew in to set up a camera and lighting and record the entire thing, plus cables to the truck to allow them to manage a satellite linkup. When I have gone to hospitals to see people I actually know and love, with no intentions of kicking the shit out of anybody, nor turning off the lights and buggering people and broadcasting it live via satellite, they still crosscheck my identification as if I were suspected of being a terrorist.

- Well, we are one third through the show and so far the best part of RAW has been Edge in a promo for a Smackdown match at WrestleMania. So not only is Edge the only good thing on Smackdown, he is kinda the only good thing on a show he isn’t even on, up to this point.

- OK, I spoke too soon, this match with Chris Jericho and Jeff Hardy was pretty good. Jericho still looks flabby, and way slower than his prime, but he’s so good that he can work even with the added slowness. Too bad this is the last we will see of Jeff for a while as he gives up the Intercontinental championship to go serve a steroid suspension.

I say, look the other way and let the poor guy take the roids. He is clearly not using it to get big, or to make his career all based off of being muscular, a la immobile losers like Chris Masters. He’s just suffering from the abuse of the WWE schedule and the type of matches he wrestles, and he takes roids to heal quicker so he can not be in so much pain. You can see the guy wincing every time he takes a bump. Suspending him seems more like denying marijuana to terminal patients. What’s the point?

- OK, they’re not even trying anymore with these oldtimer cameos. So Jillian Hall comes out and interrupts the match before it starts, and Mike Rotondo beats her up because she can’t sing, haw haw. Violence against women is funny if they are annoying! So then… THEY DON’T HAVE A MATCH. The fuck? How does that cancel the match? Was it a “FIRST ONE TO EXECUTE A MOVE LOSES” match?


Milwaukee: home of cheese and commie mind-control.

Seriously, why make it a match in the ring if none of the old farts can still go? Just have them all bump into Jillian Hall backstage and do the same skit. I guess I should have picked up that there wasn’t going to be a match when Windham and Rotondo came out dressed like they just came from a titty bar, but still.

- One other thing, how the hell are people booing the “Russia #1″ bit?! That should be getting a huge pop by now. I would figure nostalgia alone would get that over anywhere, but especially in a town like Milwaukee which, as I have mentioned here before, had a socialist mayor. They should be singing along with the goddam Soviet anthem.

- Warning, HHH‘s entrance on DVR fast forward may cause epileptic fits. Watching his matches on fast-forward, though, is fine and sometimes resembles actual normal-paced matches. Not against Kane though.

I used to like Kane. He was an agile big man about ten years ago. I really liked him as Fake Diesel as they let him do moves he wasn’t allowed to do in the Kane character or as Dr. Yankem. But now he’s a big stiff, immobile and slow. He can’t even sell simple moves anymore. It’s kinda sad because from everything you read, he is a nice guy. But sheesh. It’s five minutes of punch and kick. He would be right at home in Acclaim’s classic 1988 NES game, WrestleMania.

- Tomorrow night on ECW! Some guys no one knows, plus Tommy Dreamer will have a match, and it will actually have ECW rules for a change! One chair will be involved! It will be exactly like old ECW! Tune in!

- Listen, it’s not like I have a high standard for WWE women’s matches. I get it. They hire based on hotness, not wrestling talent, and all the training in the world won’t make them into a good wrestler. I can hit in a batting cage from now till 2025 and I will never be David Wright. WWE doesn’t care about whether the girls have talent — it’s all about eye candy.

But still, Melina is so much worse than the rest of them. Whenever her music comes on, I have to go get a sandwich, or something. She is so unbearably awful that I can feel my back twinge whenever she falls wrong or does some horribly executed suplex. She is, quite literally, so shitty that it hurts to watch.

The funniest part about WWE women’s matches is that NO ONE CARES. They get some of the hugest reactions when they come down the ramp, but during the matches you can hear a pin drop. You would think that maybe that would tell the WWE that they should either (a) have the shitty wrestling women stand on the ramp and just look hot, or (b) find some women who can actually wrestle and not just trade really bad phantom punches for three minutes, even if it means they’re a LITTLE less hot (Melina has a dogface anyway despite a really nice body). Hell, find some good wrestlers and stick some big bolt-on tits on them. But, no, they just keep trotting them out to injure the shit out of each other.

Oh, by the way, WWE, if you want to continue to get Beth Phoenix over as an unstoppable monster, it’s probably not such a great idea to have her stand next to the shortest male non-midget in the WWE, Santino Marella, and highlight the fact that she is way shorter than he is. Just a suggestion.

- Hey, maybe I am being manipulated by the WWE into hating Floyd Mayweather and markishly rooting for the Big Show to kick his ass. Maybe he is actually a Rhodes scholar, and is only pretending to come off like a tongue-twisted doofus just to infuriate the audience (“It’s possible that you may could hurt me.”). OK, my hunch is that is not the case since I don’t think the WWE is very good at executing these types of things. I think they intended for him to be the face, but he is such an unlikable little piece of shit that they wisely, for once, reversed course and went with the crowd.


Above: So dangerous, he injures himself.

But whatever — in this case I fully embrace my markishness because I can’t stand the marble-mouthed little fucker. I’m actually looking forward to this match because of what a douche bag he is. I’m not exactly a Big Show fan, but am I fucked up for hoping this little twerp winds up on the wrong side of a typically botched Big Show maneuver and legitimately breaks his ankle? I don’t think I am. And maybe it will prevent the WWE from doling out millions of dollars to celebrities with no wrestling ability. Or at least, if they do it, get guys who can navigate the stormy seas of an English sentence without hitting a verbal iceberg. The match will be shitty, regardless, but the drama of whether he will get a legit injury will keep my interest. In fact, I think the WWE should play up Big Show’s incompetence as a selling point to the match. If he can break his own neck attempting a moonsault, what do you think he can do to a 150 lb. boxer? He is like ten Ahmed Johnsons.

- YOUMANGA! Damn, I wish this guy was not a jobber/designated guy to throw out there to represent Vince McMahon in any angle. He is awesome. Also, William Regal saying YOUMANGA and TRIPLE HAYTCH would be great for a drinking game. As for Batista, how does he avoid the piss tests while Jeff Hardy gets caught?

- Oh cool, it is time for the fourth “WrestleMania Rewind” match, where we get to watch a match from an old WrestleMania which wasn’t any good the first time. Now it’s John Cena vs. Shawn Michaels! The least bad of these four so far. But still not good. Some stuff happens, five knuckle whozits, you can’t see something or other, tuning up the blah blah, then the match ends.

You know, Shawn Michaels is immensely talented. However, his entire arsenal is now limited to about five moves repeated in the same order, plus punches and kicks. I don’t know if it is because of age or the combined impact of injuries, or becoming a Jesus freak, or what. And he STILL has great ring instinct and stamina and he still has some great matches. But when he is in a match with a sack of potatoes like John Cena it really bogs the match down now, as opposed to the past when he could make any match with any old slob into a gem.

In summation, I am trying to remember a WrestleMania main event I cared about less than this one. Not having much success. All three guys are so bland and boring and all three guys have had long, bland, boring title reigns. Even Hulk Hogan/Sgt. Slaughter beats this one out, even though everyone knew Hogan was going to win, just because the anti-American Iraq stuff was so hilarious. So, a little help?

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