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To keep you busy while you anxiously await the return of DxH blog posts, here are some of the amusing/scary keywords that have brought people to Double Ax Handle.

A lot of them — probably a majority — are generic and diva-themed, as in, guys looking for naked pics of WWE female wrestlers. Example: “christy hemme tits”. But then you get stuff like:

beth phoenix and santion marella sex. com

Which makes me think of an imaginary Santino Marella talking inside my head.

“Beth-a Feenix, iffa dere is one-a thing Santion Marella do not a-like, it is people searching for our-a naked bodies ona da Innernets! And for dat a-matter, not a-knowing how to enter de search-a terms into da Google!! Santion Marella absolutely a-hate when people a-search for a specifico URL for a webba-site by entering it-a into da search-a box! Now put-a some clothes on, Beth-a Feenix, and make-a Santion Marella a sangwich!”

beth phoenix fart

Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that for some reason you are immensely turned on by seeing female wrestlers fart. Let’s further stipulate, again for argument’s sake, that you are specifically hot for seeing Beth Phoenix, the Glamazon, rip one off into the ozone. (That’s fine, I have no quarrel with you if colon-vapor makes your dials spin.)

My question is this: how would you even know if you found it? You certainly can’t hear the farts come over the mic with all the other ambient ring noise and announcers yelling. Are people zooming in on match footage to see cheek ripples? Are they looking for WWE-themed fan fiction of women wrestlers farting? If one of our many fart-fetishist readers can answer in comments it would be much appreciated.

By the way, before anyone points this out, I know that I just invited about a hundred more fart-related searches. Sue me.

why beth phoenix doesn’t get many reactions from the crowd

Good question. I’m not 100% sure, but it could be because she keeps queefing in the ring while fucking Santino Marella all the time.

By the way, we now have an iron-clad excuse to create a queef tag to go with the much-reviled taint tag.

the great depression john cena

Something tells me that this was a search related to John Cena’s WrestleMania 22 entrance that had a Chicago Depression-Era gangster theme.

But, that said, I am still going to go ahead and believe my original thought. My original thought was that someone was desperately searching online to find some way, any way to cope with the massive mental anguish caused by watching John Cena matches. It’s just more fun and also helps the universe make more sense. And I can only hope that our site helps others cope with this real and debilitating disease in some small way.

hulk hogan sexual message

Hey Blogger Brody! I bet you never thought you were creating a whole fetish sub-community when you wrote the title of this post.

mae young boobs

The sad part is not that someone went to their computer, entered that search string, and anticipated a result. The sad part is that whoever entered that search string, they came to our site, and found it.

photos of an ax

Why? I have no idea. But, this is DxH where the fans come first. Ask, and ye shall receive.

nipple hall of fame

I was not aware that there was a Nipple Hall of Fame. But, if there isn’t one, there should be, and Big Daddy V should be the first inductee.

vince mcmahon gay
vince mcmahon gay?
why does vince mcmahon love john cena

A rare instance where the third search string asks a question answered by the previous two search strings.

vince mcmahon incapacitated

Presumably from the crippling weight of his unrequited love for John Cena.

john sena wrestling moments

You won’t find any of those here, searcher. Nor, for that matter, anywhere on the internet. You might as well search for Great Khali’s famous series of university commencement addresses, or MVP’s treatise on modern paleontology.  “John [C]ena” and “wrestling moments” are two things that just don’t go together.

howdoes jeff hardy feel sad in the inside?

Next month, on WWE: The Music Vol. LXVIII, “Jeff Hardy Feels Sad (On the Inside)” by My Chemical Romance.

senior-citizens fucking hart

I’m going to hope that this is an unfortunate typo for “fucking HARD” which led the searcher to our site. Which, in and of itself is frightening enough, but it’s infinitely more palatable than imagining a seamy underworld of people who actively seek out Bret Hart/Mae Young/Fabulous Moolah three-some porn.

Above: “Whaaaat? Come on, they baked me cookies.”

chris jericho jesus

Hi Chris.  Welcome to DxH, have a look around.

And finally. The number one search bringing people to DxH, to this day, is:

john cena sucks

And we wouldn’t have it any other way.

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From an interview of Chris Jericho in the UK Guardian.

Q:  We see you’re currently the WWE’s Intercontinental champion. What exactly is intercontinental about that title?

JERICHO:  That means I am the champion of all of the continents. As far as the water and skies go I don’t have any jurisdiction, but if it’s on land then I’m pretty much in charge.

Q:  Right, so what’s left for the actual WWE champion?

JERICHO:  Well the WWE champion’s in charge of boats and planes and stuff like that. If you’re a pirate, the WWE champion is pretty much in charge. If a pirate comes up to me I really can’t do anything about it.

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(Above: The human race, circa 2008.)

It’s high time we checked in with WWE Superstar-to-Superstar, the feature that involves usually marginal celebrities shamelessly promoting their products, by agreeing to be interviewed by lowly WWE personnel.

You might think that such an assignment might go to someone like JR, who is a trained and skilled broadcaster and interviewer with decades of experience; or, failing that, perhaps someone like Michael Cole, who, though far from interesting or talented, at least can speak English fluently, and really has nothing better to do in between Smackdown tapings (Tuesdays) and playing World of Warcraft (Wednesdays through Sundays).

Unfortunately, rather than send an interviewer to interview people, WWE chooses to send their dumbass wrestlers — people who are, with a few exceptions, really bad at public speaking. Terrible for creating informative interviews, but great for this blog! Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: WWE icon Big Daddy V (still known as “Viscera” when this interview took place) interviewing “New York”, who is famous for being rejected twice on national television by former crackhead Flavor Flav. Yes, WWE has decided to pair up a man who is famous for looking and acting ridiculous, with a woman who is famous for looking and acting ridiculous. When archaeologists unearth the ruins of our society in a few thousand years, they may in fact pinpoint this interview as the exact point in history where our embarrassing culture was finally snuffed out. Let the latest abortion unfold!

In the latest installment of WWE.com’s Superstar to Superstar, The World’s Largest Love Machine, Viscera, takes a few minutes to have a rendezvous with I Love New York star – and Flavor Flav’s most famous castoff – Tiffany “New York” Pollard. What happens when two people with an insatiable appetite for love get together during the most romantic time of the year?

WWE, let’s set some ground rules here. If you’re going to ridicule your own wrestlers in your own piece, then I don’t have to bother with this at all. So at least try to make the cutdowns funny! Saying a big fat guy has an “insatiable appetite for love” — I guess that’s going in the right direction, but it needs some work. If you want to mix sex and fatness/food imagery, how about “uncontrollable sexual lust for fried mozzarella sticks”? Or maybe “a gigantic distended belly and huge droopy man-tits full of passion”.

Moving on, let’s see if we can spot a theme developing.

“Oh shit, they’re talking about babies again.
I need to learn to run before I get eaten.”

Viscera: Word up, New York, baby, how’re you doing?
NY: I’m doing good, baby. So good to finally talk to you.
Viscera: Yeah, baby. So glad things are going real well for you.
NY: Yes, they are.

::blows whistle::

There is a flag on the play. New York forgot to say “Yes, they are, baby“. 10 points to Viscera. First down!

Viscera: How does it feel to have such a successful show? After being on Flavor of Love, to be on top of the world?
NY: It feels wonderful. I’m having the time of my life – it’s such a shock, surprise ending. I mean, who would have thought I’d have my own show and all, especially after the way Flav left me. It’s like a dream come true. It was negative, and now it’s a positive, and it’s just glorious living in the moment.

Who would have thought you would have your own show? On the contrary, I think it was a foregone conclusion! Let’s see what your qualifications are for having a ridiculous reality show.

1. You’re loud and obnoxious.
2. You’re really stupid.
3. You’re willing and eager to humiliate yourself for a worldwide audience, for money.

So, given those skills, it was either (in order from least to most humiliating) get your own show on VH1, receive golden showers and bukkake on camera, or become a WWE diva. I would say there was a 33% chance of any of those options.

Viscera: You are indeed fabulous, mama. I saw you on TV recently and I noticed you had two new additions to your body …
NY: [Laughs.] I think it’s a working plan.
Viscera: I just wanted to say it’s just more New York to love and it’s a good thing.

By “two new additions”, you might think that Viscera is referring to a pair of big fake tits. Yes, she does have those, but in this case, he is referring to something else: the buffet bar added to her abdominal area, and the Orange Fanta and ice dispenser installed in her taint.

NY: It is a good thing. I’m having fun with the new additions. You know they’re looking really good right now. I’m filling out my tops in a new way, and I’m loving it. Those are the girls.

Allow me to expand on this metaphor. If tits are “girls”, Viscera’s abnormally sized man-tits are the entire audience of “Sex and the City”.

Viscera: So tell me about this little Chihuahua you have, and this palace you have the men building for her. How does it go?
NY: Yes, her name is Your Majesty and she’s my daughter. She told me one day, “Mommy, I want my own place.” I’m like, you know what, I’m going to make these guys build you a place. So I said, listen you guys look y’all come up with a design, let me see what you got, let me see your creative side. I wanted to see how strong these guys were who could measure and drill and do all that good stuff. They made the house. She picked what house she wanted. … It was cool.

(Artist’s rendering: the inside of my mind
while reading this interview.)

This is a frightening paragraph, Lovecraftian in its ability to cause abject madness in the mind of any poor soul unfortunate enough to absorb it. But it is my job to plow through these things and boil them down for you, the reader.

So, from what I can gather, I… think… New York had sex with a dog. After nine months of gestation, a hideous half-human half-puppy hybrid sprung forth from her well-traveled vagina. … ::wipes brow::… And… following instructions from her interspecies offspring… *cough*… um… she… hired a team of contractors to build a house to her dog-daughter’s specifications… ::shivers uncontrollably:: zoobity boobity, ohh, look at that shiny object over there… must kill… ARRRRRGGGHHHHFASTYTYTYD$^AS76e5 2

Viscera: So at this point, are we down to the [final] Lucky Seven [contestants on I Love New York] yet?
NY: We are down to the Lucky Number Seven. And I’m so excited about it. When you tape the show like this, you kind of forget what you said and what you did. So, it’s cool for me to just kick back and watch the interactions with the guys. Myself, I can’t figure it out – I know the show comes on tonight – and if I’m not mistaken, there’s an interesting episode called “A.A.” And I’m just happy to see what is going to happen because you know I forgot. [Laughs.]

Now, I know what the astute readers of Double Ax Handle are thinking. “She doesn’t know what’s going to happen on her own stupid-ass show? What is she, on fucking crack?”

But, a word of caution. Before you criticize the star of a show for not knowing what her own show is about, I should inform you that this is commonplace in Hollywood. It is kind of like the recording process of a Jennifer Lopez album. She just blows into the studio one day, and yodels into a microphone for a couple of hours. Then, three months later, after all the technicians get through pounding away at it, she gets to listen to what her album sounds like!

Viscera: I just want to say personally that none of these guys are worthy of you.
NY: I’m going to have to come meet you.
Viscera: You need to drop those chicken dinners and get with a winner.
NY: Oh, boy, yeah! [Laughs.]

“But seriously, when you come meet me, don’t drop any food. That was just an expression. You can totally bring food if you want. And yeah, don’t drop any.”

Viscera: So is there anything you want to say to all our great WWE fans out there that I’m sure love you as much as I do?
NY: I just want to say thanks to all the wonderful WWE fans. It’s a pleasure to be on the Web site and give all my little point of views on the show and everything. Most of all, if you love New York, I love you back. If you hate me, I love you anyway. Thanks WWE!
Viscera: I think the people that claim they hate you love you the most, baby.
NY: That’s crazy because it’s the ones that claim they hate me are the ones that can tell me my every move – from the hat I have on to the way I twist my hair.
Viscera: Exactly. Those are the ones that won’t miss an episode.

Above: Not Seinfeld.

That is true. Even though I do hate her, I can name every second of every show. Like remember that time on “I Love New York” when she wanted to order soup from that guy but he had all these terrible rules for her to… oh wait, that was Seinfeld.

Let’s see how about that time she discovered that underground hatch and found a…. LOST? OK, my bad.

OK, I guess Viscera is wrong — I don’t remember a single second of her shitty show. It is exactly identical to the other 83 reality shows featuring horrendously untalented people on television. So I guess that means I am not really that jealous of her. I probably just hate her because of her unavoidably constant obnoxious appearances on every channel at every hour of every day and all over the Internet. So in order to reminisce about her show I will have to make something up. Hey, remember that time in Episode 7 of season 2 when she carried on like a retard and punched and kicked some girl trying to pull her weave out? Yeah, that was totally memorable.

Fine, maybe that wasn’t 100% accurate but come on, the host of the show doesn’t even know what she filmed. I bet you I’m somewhere in the ballpark.

Viscera: It was definitely nice talking to you. You are a gorgeous woman, and I wish you all the success in the world.
NY: Thank you. It was great talking to you. I feel like we’re old friends already.
Viscera: Absolutely. Hopefully, one day we’ll meet each other.

Um… technical question here. Are they not doing this in the same room? I only have the transcript of these, but the few I have seen on video, they are both sitting on stools together.

It would be really funny if she had no idea who Viscera was, and spent the whole interview flirting with him, and finds out later that his tits are bigger than her head. I would love to see that reaction caught on camera.

One final, mind-bending line before we conclude this episode of “Slam Your Head Against the Wall with the WWE”:

Viscera: Oh and guess what, I’m a breast man, too.

There are so many good jokes to put in here that I will leave it up to the reader to insert them here.

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“Ya see, ya got yer Samoans, dey got da hard heads there.”

Reader dark-o writes in comments:

was he [Bobby Heenan] a racist? about the mexican jokes he made.

I don’t think he was a racist, it was just a bigoted buffoonish character. Society in general was a lot less PC in the 1980s — whether you think that is a good thing or not is another argument — and you could get away with a lot more on TV in 1988 [and prior] than you can in 2008. Everything on WWE TV is so sanitized now, which is why old Heenan clips are such an entertaining thing to go back and look at.

Another thing to consider is that cable TV had such a tiny share of the audience 20 years ago that a lot of people weren’t aware of WWF television shows. And that any concerted effort by self-righteous religious zealots and soccer moms to “clean up” TV was usually aimed at the broadcast networks, and not at the marginal shows that Bobby was featured on.

Archie Bunker [a character designed to explore ignorance] was way more racist than a couple of Tito Santana jokes [told by a character designed to piss people off]. I think that the atmosphere today would not allow a show like “All in the Family” to ever be greenlighted today on network television, even though the show clearly did not endorse racism but did the exact opposite and almost always showed Archie to be a loser and a moron. And by the same token, in WWE, you’re more likely to see out and out stereotypes promoted as positive attributes (like Cryme Tyme) than you are to see a heel character expressing heelish and subtly racist thoughts like Heenan, which actually takes some thought to dissect.

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Above: Rad (l.), Awesome (r.)

Hey everyone, look! It’s a new installment of WWE Superstar to Superstar. For you new readers, unfamiliar with this feature, imagine the following: it is something like “Inside the Actors’ Studio”, except if the celebrities were no one you cared about and the interviewer was a dumb dopey wrestler.

In this installment, our dumb dopey wrestler is Ashley, who is interviewing a mascara-wearing douchebag singer (“wiL”) in a band (“Aiden”) who she, like, totally, like knows and like recorded her awesome new theme song!

Ashley: wiL?
wiL: Oh my God!
Ashley: How weird is this?
wiL: So weird!
Ashley: How crazy! When I found out you guys were recording my theme song, I was like, Aiden! Aiden! … No way! How are you?
wiL: You were like, wait a minute, don’t I know those guys?!
Ashley: Yeah, I’m pretty sure that I know them. (laughs)
wiL: Yo, did you hear the song?
Ashley: “Let’s Light a Fire Tonight”?
wiL: Yeah.
Ashley: It’s awesome!
wiL: It’s so awesome!

abovE: fightinG thE oppressivE
rulE oF punctuationaL fascisM.

“It’s so awesome how I ran into the singer of some douchey band once, who capitalizes the LAST letter of his name because he is a rebel, and it’s like, a statement about not doing things the way the MAN tells, you, MAN! And I annoyed Vince McMahon for about 2 years to let him record my theme song, and finally he said, ‘I would suggest that no one cares what music is playing when you dumb broads come out to the ring anyway as long as you’re half-nekkid. I’ll greenlight whatever you want if you go get me a beer.’ AWWWEsome!”

So, WWE Diva… which one are you again? Ashley, right… back to the interview. How do YOU feel about this song? Excited? Or awesome? Please choose one.

Ashley: I am so excited. This is the best thing that ever happened!

Nice question, interviewer! You’re awesome!

wiL: Yeah, dude, I’m stoked.
Ashley: That is so rad. I’m so excited, that’s awesome.

Yes, you mentioned that you were so excited, a moment ago. Awesome!

Ashley: So why do you think it’s a good fit for me?
wiL: Well it’s a good fit for you, because it rocks.

And you rock, because you’re awesome!

So wait, is this eye-makeupped, whiny douchebag ACTUALLY touting his own shitty song? Let’s try to imagine what Bobby Heenan would say in this situation. To do this, we will activate the Bobby Heenan Quote Generating Algorithm. And fire away:

“I’d rather listen to the drill while sitting in my dentist’s chair.
It has a good beat and you can dance to it!”

Thanks Bobby Machine. Seriously, “wiL” is a living, breathing example of why you can correlate the departure of Bobby Heenan with the super suckitude of WWE. Sure, there were always ridiculous, self-important douchebags around in the old WWF, but you had Bobby Heenan there to ridicule them. Now, everyone on the payroll has to wax poetic about how AWESOME the latest identical emo band is that comes down the pipe to perform the official song of the latest identical PPV, including (not that it’s his fault) poor JR. Bobby Heenan wouldn’t tolerate that shit.

We miss you, Brain.

wiL: It’s going to rock the house when you turn off all the lights and come out to it.

“Too bad we can’t play your awesome song during my actual shitty match when the crowd is perfectly silent! That would be RAD! And give them something do do other than stare at their own navels in silence, or buy yet more popcorn! AWESOME!”

Ashley: It’s going to be awesome. I can’t wait. I can’t wait for the Vol. 8 album to come out!

“But at least, while I wait, I can consume some of these other products associated with WWE: Castrol! Radical! Skittles! Fruity, delicious, fruity, fruity and AWESOME! Snickers! Totally, totally bitchin! And the latest film targeted to the 18-25 demographic! Uber-coolness!”

wiL: I don’t know of any theme song that rocks harder than “Let’s Light a Fire Tonight.”

Let’s see. Well for starters there’s “Real American.” No matter what you think of Hulk Hogan, that was pretty cool. The nWo music rocked. The Big Bossman song had that nice Lynyrd Skynyrd-country rock thing happening. Then there was comedy ones like Ted DiBiase and HBK. And…

Huh. I just realized it would be easier to list all the ones that actually suck MORE than Ashley’s shitty music that leads her out to the ring to signal an upcoming shitty match. Let’s see, there’s… uh… well I was gonna say Great Khali, but they have that cool Indian thing in the beginning, so that’s pretty cool. And John Cena’s music sucks balls, but the intro isn’t so bad, and the beat is OK until he ruins it by rapping over it. This is harder than I thought.

OK WWE — you stumped me. I can’t think of one entrance music ever that is gayer or less memorable than this piece of shit by some band whose name I forgot already, for the wrestler named whatshername. It is the worst entrance music in history.

Ashley: Yes! Oh I can’t wait… Oh I’m so happy. Thank you so much for doing it.
wiL: Thank you for letting me. It’s awesome.

I have a few questions here. Does he mean his song is awesome? Or her letting him record the song is awesome? And not that I really care what the answers are, but just for the sake of structuring this thing somewhat like an interview, are we ever going to get an actual question and answer that doesn’t entail how awesome these two rejects are?

Oh, and does he really think she “let” him record the song? Can he possibly not know that she has absolutely nothing to do with the process — that she is just a live human product that WWE is promoting by sending her out to do poorly executed clotheslines in lingerie?

Oh, Bobby Heenan Quote-Generating Algorithm, what do you have to say about Ashley’s wrestling skills?

“Well, I would say that as a wrestler, she is a terrific lingerie model.”

Thanks Brain! And now we continue the awesomeness!

Fig. 1: Artist’s rendering of Ashley and wiL’s
circular vocabulary.

Ashley: So why will this song pump up our fans when I enter the area?
wiL: Because it rocks!

And why does it rock?! Because it’s AWESOME! And why is it awesome? Because it is RAD!! And why is it rad? Because it ROCKS!! And why does it rock? Because it will pump up the fans!!

Ashley: Heck yeah, it does. And how about what’s going on with the band lately? What’s next for you guys?
wiL: What’s next? Well we put out Conviction in 2007.
Ashley: I know, I liked “Teenage Queen” and there are so many. Aiden is my favorite band.
wiL: Oh rad! Awesome.

“Well, the band of the new guy I met in a different diner is a tad awesomer. But you’re still like totally radness n shit!”

Ashley: Awesome. So you going to hook me up with tickets or what?
wiL: Yeah, dude. Whatever you want, man.
Ashley: To Austin, you know I got to go.
wiL: Consider it done.
Ashley: Sweet.
wiL: Well if you want to bring anybody, I’ll put you on for you plus one or two or whatever you want.
Ashley: OK, cool. My brother might come.
wiL: Cool, I remember him.

Note to WWE: this is not an interview. This is called “making hangout plans”. This is a portion of the conversation that could have been had via text message, and not foisted upon the readers of WWE.com. I’m surprised they’re not discussing what restaurant to go to afterwards.

Ashley: Yeah, seriously guys, you do not want to miss this show, it’s awesome. I cannot believe that I’m doing an interview with you right now!

You aren’t. You are just talking about how cool things are. An interview implies some questions being asked and information being gleaned for the listening audience. Two self-absorbed dummies talking about how awesome they both are doesn’t quite qualify as an interview.

Bobby Heenan Quote-Generating Algorithm, how do you feel about Ashley’s interviewing?

“I guess she dropped her Journalism 101 textbook when she
was down by the docks with the 104th Fleet.”

That’s not very nice, Mr. Heenan. But funny!

Ashley: Like that’s crazy. Like I am through the roof, I am! I can’t believe it. That is so rad. Thanks man, I really, really appreciate that you’re doing it. I’m so stoked.

Status report: Like, still stoked, still rad. Awesomeness is likely.

Ashley: So I’ll be seeing you soon huh?
wiL: Yeah, like five days I think we’re there on tour, in Austin.

Better hope she doesn’t meet any other really sensitive emo singers between now and five days from now, kiddo! Or you might have an Ashley themed “why did you dump me” album coming out in late 2008.

Ashley: Five days, I’ll be there. … So everybody look out for Aiden’s new theme song for Ashley, “Let’s Light a Fire Tonight,” because I’m sure it’s going to kick you-know-what.
wiL: Kick some butt.

HE SAID IT! HE SAID BUTT!! WHAT A REBEL!!!!!! Someone get a muzzle on this guy pronto!

That concludes the AWESOMENESS portion of this blog. We now return you to regular English spoken by moderately intelligent adults.

“Just in time, too… I got an early bird special at the Oriental buffet.
Monsoon’s paying.”

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No, not ECW on Sci-Fi, starring in an angle against the great Big Daddy V. Don’t be silly. I am talking about a blog post on Go Fug Yourself (an awesome blog that does to lousy fashion what we do to shitty wrestling).

This “Maria” is allegedly a wrestler for the WWE, so I think I’m meant to be grateful that she’s wearing a tutu over her spandex onesie rather than, say, plastic hot pants.

Instead, I just want to ask if she’s come across any plutonium lately, and if so, whether I could borrow her skirt, ball it up, and feed it into the gas tank of my DeLorean.

Clearly she does not watch WWE programming or she would know that the plutonium skirt is by far the classiest thing seen on a WWE female wrestler, since ever. Onesies would be a step up from low-rise ass-crack tights on girls with no ass.

Chyna of course was the first male with a penis to appear nude in Playboy, to my knowledge. And her issue was the best selling issue of Playboy up to that time. But that kind of doesn’t count, because most WWE fans only bought the issue to see how much make up it would take to obscure her male genitalia, and if her CGI-ed and airbrushed vagina looked convincing.

Recently, chicken-legged Ashley, who is a woman with a real vagina, also posed, but she is certainly a far cry from Playboy material, and this is where the quality of the girls being sent over to Playboy saw a steep dropoff from earlier WWE employees like Candace Michelle and Torrie Wilson. Now Maria, I can’t say she is unattractive but I certainly think “run of the mill pretty” is an apt description. And of course, this doesn’t really factor into anything the WWE cares about, but she is SUCH a painfully bad actress that it grinds my teeth to watch her, even more than the other untrained, awful wrestlers on their diva roster. Maria is just like the ultimate extension of the one-dimensional, do-nothing, shitty-wrestling WWE diva.

The dynamics of WWE-Playboy interaction has always been funny to me. I mean, women on WWE shows are already, basically, posing for Playboy. They don’t really do anything, they don’t know how to wrestle and so do not have elaborate matches, they don’t have separate personalities, etc. There’s “good” WWE girls (the girls who are really sweet and nice but don’t mess with them or they’ll kick your ass!!) and “bad” WWE girls (the ones who are really mean and nasty and bitchy, and spiteful and jealous, and don’t mess with them or they’ll kick your ass!!) and either you’re one or the other, and all are clones of each other, and they always have interchangeable storylines.

That’s pretty much the extent of WWE character development — if you’re a white guy with a roided up body, they come up with stuff.  For every other demographic, they pretty much one template for you.  Samoans have hard heads.  Russians want to invade your country.  Black people are pimps who want to rob you.  And women all dress like sluts and have riot grrl personalities.  WWE diva matches are already like Playboy shoots with clothes on.

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*COMEDIC PHOTOJOURNALISM INTEGRITY NOTE: Picture 9 flipped horizontally, because the joke doesn’t work so good from right to left. — Buff

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WrestleMania has been called the Super Bowl of wrestling. And there are definitely similarities. For example, just like with WrestleMania, there is usually about a month’s worth of hype for the Super Bowl and, this year aside, compared to all the hype, the Super Bowl is usually a boring, anticlimactic mess just like WrestleMania. Also, in the Super Bowl, just like in WrestleMania, there are usually about 15 minutes of the event that wind up being worth watching. Another similarity is that the Super Bowl airs on broadcast television for free, much like WrestleMania airs for free on WWE television for the following several weeks after they have convinced several thousand suckers to pay $60 for it.

However the biggest difference between the two is that the degenerate fans of football will bet on anything from the final score of the Super Bowl, to the number of punts, to the coin toss. The degenerate fans of wrestling don’t have anything to bet on since the outcomes are predetermined. But wouldn’t it be nice if we could bet on all the dumb stuff that will happen? Here is the betting line for WrestleMania XXIV.

“What a devastating sidewalk slam!” — Michael Cole

MISCELLANEOUS
Over/under on the percentage of successful attempts by Mike Adamle to pronounce the names of wrestlers he has never heard of until bell time: 18%
Over/under on the number of visible eyebags on Mike Adamle despite the best efforts of a highly paid WWE makeup staff: 3.5
Chances that the worst match (“BunnyMania” women’s tag match) will last longer than the best match (“Money in the Bank”): 50%
Chances that the WWE will produce some dumbass skit featuring 1980s wrestlers, identical to the 150 other skits they have produced in the past five years: 91%
Over/under on the percentage of moves Michael Cole incorrectly calls a sidewalk slam: 84.5%
Over/under on the total number of minutes of the show spent watching restholds: 47
Over under on the number of minutes taken up by replaying things we’ve already seen on television: 37 Chances that Aretha Franklin will sneak into the backstage area by claiming to be Big Daddy V, do a heel turn, attack John Legend, and take his place singing America the Beautiful: 1% (but we can hope)

Above: America the Not-So-Beautiful.

HALL OF FAME INDUCTION
Over/under on how many inappropriate chants happen during the Hall of Fame ceremony: 15
Chances that Mae Young will go topless while accepting her HOF induction: 89%
Chances that anyone will mention, during Peter Maivia and Rocky Johnson’s induction, how offensive their gimmicks were: 0.00000004%
Chances of someone saying “WWF” during the show: 63%

BUNNYMANIA
Over/under on the total number of wrestling moves executed correctly in the women’s match, by anyone other than Beth Phoenix: 1.5
Chances that the most entertaining thing about the women’s match is:

• Santino Marella getting on the mic: 75%
• Nipple slip or butt-crack exposure: 25%
• Anything wrestling-related: 0%

Above: Pin dropping (can be heard
during WWE women’s matches).

Chances that Snoop Dogg will say something in an interview that indicates he hasn’t watched any wrestling since WrestleMania IV: 83%
Chances of Snoop Dogg specifically saying “WWF”: 97.2%
Chances that the crowd reaction at any given time during the actual match is greater than the reaction during the women’s entrances: 8%
Chances of a fart being heard from the audience because they are so silent during this match: 47%
Chances of sudden torrential downpour in the open-air Orange Citrus Bowl improving this match: 97%

Fig. 1: Unstoppable force.

24-MAN BATTLE ROYALE
Over/under on the number of times that Snitsky, even though he is flabby, out of shape, only 2 inches or so taller than the average WWE wrestler, and has lost every televised match he has been involved in for 6 years, will be portrayed as an unstoppable monster: 14
Over/under on the length of time The Great Khali is in the ring before sustaining a continuous “BOO” becomes a vocal impossibility for the crowd: 4:27
Over/under on the length of time the Great Khali will remain in the match before awkwardly stepping over the top rope and pretending to be eliminated: 15:29 (11 minutes past the continuous booing threshhold)
Chances that Hacksaw Jim Duggan will get a better fan reaction than anyone else in the match: 81%

UMAGA vs. BATISTA
Over/under on the number of times that any of the announcers assert their balls in the “my brand is better than your brand” debate, even though all three brands appear on each other’s shows constantly: 19.5
Chances that Umaga stares at a piece of simple electronic equipment in wonderment and awe, as if it is a god that fell to earth, even though he wrestles in arenas full of electrical equipment 250 days a year: 57%
Chances that Umaga’s incoherent rambling in Samoan is more understandable than Batista’s pre-match promo: 92%
Over/under on the number of chair-shots or other vicious blows to the head which Umaga will no-sell because he is supposed to be a Samoan with a stereotypically rock hard head: 4
Over/under on the number of simple fists to the head Umaga will sell as legit, and stagger, even though he seemingly cannot be hurt in the head by a chair: 34
Over/under on the number of times the announcers refer to Umaga as “unstoppable” or a similar adjective, even though, like Snitsky, he never wins a match except against 150 lb. jobbers: 11
Over/under on the increase in popcorn sales during Batista’s offensive sequences: 35%

BELFAST BRAWL
Chances that JBL’s intro/ring entrance will last longer than the time elapsed in the match before he needs a resthold break: 74%
Chances of anyone expressing any interest in who Vince McMahon’s real bastard son is, now that Finley is Hornswoggle’s father: 4%

ECW CHAMPIONSHIP
Chances that one of the two guys fighting over the ECW title will be from ECW: 12%
Chances that WWE will update their website to include “ECW Champion” under Chavo’s “list of career highlights” before he loses the belt: 2%

MAYWEATHER vs. BIG SHOW
Chances that Big Show just says “fuck it” and legitimately snaps Mayweather in half: 6%
Chances that Big Show plays it by the book, but still clumsily gives Mayweather a legitimate injury by accident: 64%
Over/under on the number of people watching who are hoping one of the above happens: 257,951
Chances that Mayweather gets through a complete sentence without mumbling, stuttering, or some other miscue in his pre-match promo: 0.004%
Chances of Mayweather saying “WWF”: 28%
Chances of the winner of the Money in the Bank match using his title shot to challenge Mayweather for his boxing title after he is laying in a mangled heap in the ring: 0% (and yet, way more entertaining than whatever really happens)

RIC FLAIR vs. SHAWN MICHAELS
Chances that Vince McMahon can restrain himself from appearing in the climax of this match, and imprinting himself on Ric Flair’s moment of glory into retirement: 1%

Above: More mobile than MVP.

MONEY IN THE BANK
Chances that MVP ever actually gets on the ladder: 40%
Chances that MVP takes a respectable bump involving the ladder: 21%
Chances that MVP tries to put the ladder in a chinlock: 91%
Chances that someone will use the money in the bank privileges to challenge for:

• The RAW title: 60%
• The Smackdown title: 31%
• The women’s championship: 5%
• One of the fake belts that are sold at WWE concession stands: 2%
  
• The belt holding Jerry Lawler’s pants up: 0.999995%
• The ECW title: .000005%

Who will be the lesser of three boredoms?

RANDY ORTON vs. JOHN CENA vs. HHH
Chances that JR or someone else will say that this match is “unprecedented” or “historic” — even though we have been seeing thousands of different boring permutations of these three guys fighting each other on RAW for what seems like about 3½ years now: 99.7%
Over/under on the number of people in the crowd and home audience rooting for the guy they dislike the least: 194,000
Chances that at some point HHH and Randy Orton will both have to bring the action to a screeching halt, lie still and pretend to be incapacitated for a ridiculously long amount of time, after a simple move like a side suplex, so that John Cena can perform a five knuckle shuffle: 83%
Chances that John Cena does a “military salute” with the wrong hand again: 50%
Chances that HHH will hit someone with a sledgehammer in a completely non-threatening way like running it into their gut, or use the less-damaging stick end of it: 71%
Chances that HHH will actually use a sledgehammer the way someone would use it if it was a real fight, by swinging it like a baseball bat: 0%
Chances that anyone will point out that using a sledgehammer isn’t as badass as it sounds, if you’re going to use it in the safest possible way for your opponent: 0%
Chances that there will be another massive wave of steroid suspensions in the WWE between now and bell time, and they will have to replace the main eventers with The Miz, Sho Funaki, and Jimmy Wang Yang: 9%

Got any hot tips to add to the betting line for WrestleMania? Stick ‘em in the comments and I will post any good ones. (Don’t worry if it’s after WrestleMania is over. This doesn’t have to make any sense, it’s about the WWE!!)

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