RAW… Is… Pigeon Poop and Midget Sex

Above: Your best friend while watching RAW.

Hey, it’s Tuesday afternoon! You know what that means — I have finished watching the four other things that were on during Monday Night RAW which I would rather watch, and it is time to fire up the DVR for a recap. Fast-forwarding finger activate!

- Two things nobody likes appear in the first match: casket matches and Mark Henry. Nothing very interesting happens in this match, but I will say that Undertaker‘s new submission hold is really gay. Not “gay” as in uncool, as the kiddies say, because it is actually pretty cool. I mean gay as in “homosexual looking”. More so when Mark Henry starts drooling on his crotch while the hold is being applied

Also, maybe my fine colleagues in this blog who read dirtsheets can answer this — wasn’t Mark Henry’s 10-year contract up a couple of years ago? Does this mean they re-signed him to be a jobber?

“What?! I really had to go.”

- The WrestleMania commercial where Carlito gets pooped on by a seagull, again. Listen, I’m not a super Carlito mark or anything — he’s OK. But jeez. In the past couple of months he has jobbed to a midget, and bird poop. I wouldn’t even wish that on The Highlanders, who are actual jobbers.

- These Skittles commercials are getting more and more creepy. The one with the guy who has the “Skittle touch” is more poignant and depressing, than funny. This one with the piñata guy is just plain freakish — I didn’t even get that he was a piñata guy, until he verbally got the point across by saying he got beat with a bat with the expectation of candy coming out. He just looks like a guy in a ragged suit, whose skin is repulsively melting off his face.

They kind of work as surrealism, although I don’t know how effective they are at getting people to buy Skittles, which one would assume is the intended point. I am now starting to have a knee-jerk revulsion to Skittles whenever I happen to see them at the grocery store, because of these commercials.

Above: Hornswoggle — Just For JBL?

- Speaking of endorsements, I am sure Just For Men Haircolor is proud to learn that the “Slam of the Week” they are sponsoring was the implied butt-slamming of Hornswoggle by JBL in the hospital last week with the lights off. I wonder if WWE has some deal where the sponsor has no say in these, or if they actually cleared this with them. If so, maybe they are trying to reach the “creepy gray-bearded homosexual midget fetishist” demographic.

Also, I always wonder why the hospital allows people to visit and then kick the shit out of people, let alone allow a crew in to set up a camera and lighting and record the entire thing, plus cables to the truck to allow them to manage a satellite linkup. When I have gone to hospitals to see people I actually know and love, with no intentions of kicking the shit out of anybody, nor turning off the lights and buggering people and broadcasting it live via satellite, they still crosscheck my identification as if I were suspected of being a terrorist.

- Well, we are one third through the show and so far the best part of RAW has been Edge in a promo for a Smackdown match at WrestleMania. So not only is Edge the only good thing on Smackdown, he is kinda the only good thing on a show he isn’t even on, up to this point.

- OK, I spoke too soon, this match with Chris Jericho and Jeff Hardy was pretty good. Jericho still looks flabby, and way slower than his prime, but he’s so good that he can work even with the added slowness. Too bad this is the last we will see of Jeff for a while as he gives up the Intercontinental championship to go serve a steroid suspension.

I say, look the other way and let the poor guy take the roids. He is clearly not using it to get big, or to make his career all based off of being muscular, a la immobile losers like Chris Masters. He’s just suffering from the abuse of the WWE schedule and the type of matches he wrestles, and he takes roids to heal quicker so he can not be in so much pain. You can see the guy wincing every time he takes a bump. Suspending him seems more like denying marijuana to terminal patients. What’s the point?

- OK, they’re not even trying anymore with these oldtimer cameos. So Jillian Hall comes out and interrupts the match before it starts, and Mike Rotondo beats her up because she can’t sing, haw haw. Violence against women is funny if they are annoying! So then… THEY DON’T HAVE A MATCH. The fuck? How does that cancel the match? Was it a “FIRST ONE TO EXECUTE A MOVE LOSES” match?

Milwaukee: home of cheese and commie mind-control.

Seriously, why make it a match in the ring if none of the old farts can still go? Just have them all bump into Jillian Hall backstage and do the same skit. I guess I should have picked up that there wasn’t going to be a match when Windham and Rotondo came out dressed like they just came from a titty bar, but still.

- One other thing, how the hell are people booing the “Russia #1″ bit?! That should be getting a huge pop by now. I would figure nostalgia alone would get that over anywhere, but especially in a town like Milwaukee which, as I have mentioned here before, had a socialist mayor. They should be singing along with the goddam Soviet anthem.

- Warning, HHH‘s entrance on DVR fast forward may cause epileptic fits. Watching his matches on fast-forward, though, is fine and sometimes resembles actual normal-paced matches. Not against Kane though.

I used to like Kane. He was an agile big man about ten years ago. I really liked him as Fake Diesel as they let him do moves he wasn’t allowed to do in the Kane character or as Dr. Yankem. But now he’s a big stiff, immobile and slow. He can’t even sell simple moves anymore. It’s kinda sad because from everything you read, he is a nice guy. But sheesh. It’s five minutes of punch and kick. He would be right at home in Acclaim’s classic 1988 NES game, WrestleMania.

- Tomorrow night on ECW! Some guys no one knows, plus Tommy Dreamer will have a match, and it will actually have ECW rules for a change! One chair will be involved! It will be exactly like old ECW! Tune in!

- Listen, it’s not like I have a high standard for WWE women’s matches. I get it. They hire based on hotness, not wrestling talent, and all the training in the world won’t make them into a good wrestler. I can hit in a batting cage from now till 2025 and I will never be David Wright. WWE doesn’t care about whether the girls have talent — it’s all about eye candy.

But still, Melina is so much worse than the rest of them. Whenever her music comes on, I have to go get a sandwich, or something. She is so unbearably awful that I can feel my back twinge whenever she falls wrong or does some horribly executed suplex. She is, quite literally, so shitty that it hurts to watch.

The funniest part about WWE women’s matches is that NO ONE CARES. They get some of the hugest reactions when they come down the ramp, but during the matches you can hear a pin drop. You would think that maybe that would tell the WWE that they should either (a) have the shitty wrestling women stand on the ramp and just look hot, or (b) find some women who can actually wrestle and not just trade really bad phantom punches for three minutes, even if it means they’re a LITTLE less hot (Melina has a dogface anyway despite a really nice body). Hell, find some good wrestlers and stick some big bolt-on tits on them. But, no, they just keep trotting them out to injure the shit out of each other.

Oh, by the way, WWE, if you want to continue to get Beth Phoenix over as an unstoppable monster, it’s probably not such a great idea to have her stand next to the shortest male non-midget in the WWE, Santino Marella, and highlight the fact that she is way shorter than he is. Just a suggestion.

- Hey, maybe I am being manipulated by the WWE into hating Floyd Mayweather and markishly rooting for the Big Show to kick his ass. Maybe he is actually a Rhodes scholar, and is only pretending to come off like a tongue-twisted doofus just to infuriate the audience (“It’s possible that you may could hurt me.”). OK, my hunch is that is not the case since I don’t think the WWE is very good at executing these types of things. I think they intended for him to be the face, but he is such an unlikable little piece of shit that they wisely, for once, reversed course and went with the crowd.

Above: So dangerous, he injures himself.

But whatever — in this case I fully embrace my markishness because I can’t stand the marble-mouthed little fucker. I’m actually looking forward to this match because of what a douche bag he is. I’m not exactly a Big Show fan, but am I fucked up for hoping this little twerp winds up on the wrong side of a typically botched Big Show maneuver and legitimately breaks his ankle? I don’t think I am. And maybe it will prevent the WWE from doling out millions of dollars to celebrities with no wrestling ability. Or at least, if they do it, get guys who can navigate the stormy seas of an English sentence without hitting a verbal iceberg. The match will be shitty, regardless, but the drama of whether he will get a legit injury will keep my interest. In fact, I think the WWE should play up Big Show’s incompetence as a selling point to the match. If he can break his own neck attempting a moonsault, what do you think he can do to a 150 lb. boxer? He is like ten Ahmed Johnsons.

- YOUMANGA! Damn, I wish this guy was not a jobber/designated guy to throw out there to represent Vince McMahon in any angle. He is awesome. Also, William Regal saying YOUMANGA and TRIPLE HAYTCH would be great for a drinking game. As for Batista, how does he avoid the piss tests while Jeff Hardy gets caught?

- Oh cool, it is time for the fourth “WrestleMania Rewind” match, where we get to watch a match from an old WrestleMania which wasn’t any good the first time. Now it’s John Cena vs. Shawn Michaels! The least bad of these four so far. But still not good. Some stuff happens, five knuckle whozits, you can’t see something or other, tuning up the blah blah, then the match ends.

You know, Shawn Michaels is immensely talented. However, his entire arsenal is now limited to about five moves repeated in the same order, plus punches and kicks. I don’t know if it is because of age or the combined impact of injuries, or becoming a Jesus freak, or what. And he STILL has great ring instinct and stamina and he still has some great matches. But when he is in a match with a sack of potatoes like John Cena it really bogs the match down now, as opposed to the past when he could make any match with any old slob into a gem.

In summation, I am trying to remember a WrestleMania main event I cared about less than this one. Not having much success. All three guys are so bland and boring and all three guys have had long, bland, boring title reigns. Even Hulk Hogan/Sgt. Slaughter beats this one out, even though everyone knew Hogan was going to win, just because the anti-American Iraq stuff was so hilarious. So, a little help?

Speaking Out


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