Viscera Loves New York* (*smothered with a honey glaze and cooked at 350 degrees until a golden brown, with a side of potatoes au gratin)


(Above: The human race, circa 2008.)

It’s high time we checked in with WWE Superstar-to-Superstar, the feature that involves usually marginal celebrities shamelessly promoting their products, by agreeing to be interviewed by lowly WWE personnel.

You might think that such an assignment might go to someone like JR, who is a trained and skilled broadcaster and interviewer with decades of experience; or, failing that, perhaps someone like Michael Cole, who, though far from interesting or talented, at least can speak English fluently, and really has nothing better to do in between Smackdown tapings (Tuesdays) and playing World of Warcraft (Wednesdays through Sundays).

Unfortunately, rather than send an interviewer to interview people, WWE chooses to send their dumbass wrestlers — people who are, with a few exceptions, really bad at public speaking. Terrible for creating informative interviews, but great for this blog! Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: WWE icon Big Daddy V (still known as “Viscera” when this interview took place) interviewing “New York”, who is famous for being rejected twice on national television by former crackhead Flavor Flav. Yes, WWE has decided to pair up a man who is famous for looking and acting ridiculous, with a woman who is famous for looking and acting ridiculous. When archaeologists unearth the ruins of our society in a few thousand years, they may in fact pinpoint this interview as the exact point in history where our embarrassing culture was finally snuffed out. Let the latest abortion unfold!

In the latest installment of WWE.com’s Superstar to Superstar, The World’s Largest Love Machine, Viscera, takes a few minutes to have a rendezvous with I Love New York star – and Flavor Flav’s most famous castoff – Tiffany “New York” Pollard. What happens when two people with an insatiable appetite for love get together during the most romantic time of the year?

WWE, let’s set some ground rules here. If you’re going to ridicule your own wrestlers in your own piece, then I don’t have to bother with this at all. So at least try to make the cutdowns funny! Saying a big fat guy has an “insatiable appetite for love” — I guess that’s going in the right direction, but it needs some work. If you want to mix sex and fatness/food imagery, how about “uncontrollable sexual lust for fried mozzarella sticks”? Or maybe “a gigantic distended belly and huge droopy man-tits full of passion”.

Moving on, let’s see if we can spot a theme developing.


“Oh shit, they’re talking about babies again.
I need to learn to run before I get eaten.”

Viscera: Word up, New York, baby, how’re you doing?
NY: I’m doing good, baby. So good to finally talk to you.
Viscera: Yeah, baby. So glad things are going real well for you.
NY: Yes, they are.

::blows whistle::

There is a flag on the play. New York forgot to say “Yes, they are, baby“. 10 points to Viscera. First down!

Viscera: How does it feel to have such a successful show? After being on Flavor of Love, to be on top of the world?
NY
: It feels wonderful. I’m having the time of my life – it’s such a shock, surprise ending. I mean, who would have thought I’d have my own show and all, especially after the way Flav left me. It’s like a dream come true. It was negative, and now it’s a positive, and it’s just glorious living in the moment.

Who would have thought you would have your own show? On the contrary, I think it was a foregone conclusion! Let’s see what your qualifications are for having a ridiculous reality show.

1. You’re loud and obnoxious.
2. You’re really stupid.
3. You’re willing and eager to humiliate yourself for a worldwide audience, for money.

So, given those skills, it was either (in order from least to most humiliating) get your own show on VH1, receive golden showers and bukkake on camera, or become a WWE diva. I would say there was a 33% chance of any of those options.

Viscera: You are indeed fabulous, mama. I saw you on TV recently and I noticed you had two new additions to your body …
NY
: [Laughs.] I think it’s a working plan.
Viscera
: I just wanted to say it’s just more New York to love and it’s a good thing.

By “two new additions”, you might think that Viscera is referring to a pair of big fake tits. Yes, she does have those, but in this case, he is referring to something else: the buffet bar added to her abdominal area, and the Orange Fanta and ice dispenser installed in her taint.

NY: It is a good thing. I’m having fun with the new additions. You know they’re looking really good right now. I’m filling out my tops in a new way, and I’m loving it. Those are the girls.

Allow me to expand on this metaphor. If tits are “girls”, Viscera’s abnormally sized man-tits are the entire audience of “Sex and the City”.

Viscera: So tell me about this little Chihuahua you have, and this palace you have the men building for her. How does it go?
NY
: Yes, her name is Your Majesty and she’s my daughter. She told me one day, “Mommy, I want my own place.” I’m like, you know what, I’m going to make these guys build you a place. So I said, listen you guys look y’all come up with a design, let me see what you got, let me see your creative side. I wanted to see how strong these guys were who could measure and drill and do all that good stuff. They made the house. She picked what house she wanted. … It was cool.


(Artist’s rendering: the inside of my mind
while reading this interview.)

This is a frightening paragraph, Lovecraftian in its ability to cause abject madness in the mind of any poor soul unfortunate enough to absorb it. But it is my job to plow through these things and boil them down for you, the reader.

So, from what I can gather, I… think… New York had sex with a dog. After nine months of gestation, a hideous half-human half-puppy hybrid sprung forth from her well-traveled vagina. … ::wipes brow::… And… following instructions from her interspecies offspring… *cough*… um… she… hired a team of contractors to build a house to her dog-daughter’s specifications… ::shivers uncontrollably:: zoobity boobity, ohh, look at that shiny object over there… must kill… ARRRRRGGGHHHHFASTYTYTYD$^AS76e5 2

Viscera: So at this point, are we down to the [final] Lucky Seven [contestants on I Love New York] yet?
NY
: We are down to the Lucky Number Seven. And I’m so excited about it. When you tape the show like this, you kind of forget what you said and what you did. So, it’s cool for me to just kick back and watch the interactions with the guys. Myself, I can’t figure it out – I know the show comes on tonight – and if I’m not mistaken, there’s an interesting episode called “A.A.” And I’m just happy to see what is going to happen because you know I forgot. [Laughs.]

Now, I know what the astute readers of Double Ax Handle are thinking. “She doesn’t know what’s going to happen on her own stupid-ass show? What is she, on fucking crack?”

But, a word of caution. Before you criticize the star of a show for not knowing what her own show is about, I should inform you that this is commonplace in Hollywood. It is kind of like the recording process of a Jennifer Lopez album. She just blows into the studio one day, and yodels into a microphone for a couple of hours. Then, three months later, after all the technicians get through pounding away at it, she gets to listen to what her album sounds like!

Viscera: I just want to say personally that none of these guys are worthy of you.
NY
: I’m going to have to come meet you.
Viscera
: You need to drop those chicken dinners and get with a winner.
NY
: Oh, boy, yeah! [Laughs.]

“But seriously, when you come meet me, don’t drop any food. That was just an expression. You can totally bring food if you want. And yeah, don’t drop any.”

Viscera: So is there anything you want to say to all our great WWE fans out there that I’m sure love you as much as I do?
NY
: I just want to say thanks to all the wonderful WWE fans. It’s a pleasure to be on the Web site and give all my little point of views on the show and everything. Most of all, if you love New York, I love you back. If you hate me, I love you anyway. Thanks WWE!
Viscera
: I think the people that claim they hate you love you the most, baby.
NY
: That’s crazy because it’s the ones that claim they hate me are the ones that can tell me my every move – from the hat I have on to the way I twist my hair.
Viscera
: Exactly. Those are the ones that won’t miss an episode.


Above: Not Seinfeld.

That is true. Even though I do hate her, I can name every second of every show. Like remember that time on “I Love New York” when she wanted to order soup from that guy but he had all these terrible rules for her to… oh wait, that was Seinfeld.

Let’s see how about that time she discovered that underground hatch and found a…. LOST? OK, my bad.

OK, I guess Viscera is wrong — I don’t remember a single second of her shitty show. It is exactly identical to the other 83 reality shows featuring horrendously untalented people on television. So I guess that means I am not really that jealous of her. I probably just hate her because of her unavoidably constant obnoxious appearances on every channel at every hour of every day and all over the Internet. So in order to reminisce about her show I will have to make something up. Hey, remember that time in Episode 7 of season 2 when she carried on like a retard and punched and kicked some girl trying to pull her weave out? Yeah, that was totally memorable.

Fine, maybe that wasn’t 100% accurate but come on, the host of the show doesn’t even know what she filmed. I bet you I’m somewhere in the ballpark.

Viscera: It was definitely nice talking to you. You are a gorgeous woman, and I wish you all the success in the world.
NY
: Thank you. It was great talking to you. I feel like we’re old friends already.
Viscera
: Absolutely. Hopefully, one day we’ll meet each other.

Um… technical question here. Are they not doing this in the same room? I only have the transcript of these, but the few I have seen on video, they are both sitting on stools together.

It would be really funny if she had no idea who Viscera was, and spent the whole interview flirting with him, and finds out later that his tits are bigger than her head. I would love to see that reaction caught on camera.

One final, mind-bending line before we conclude this episode of “Slam Your Head Against the Wall with the WWE”:

Viscera: Oh and guess what, I’m a breast man, too.

There are so many good jokes to put in here that I will leave it up to the reader to insert them here.

The Good, The Rad and the Fugly


Above: Rad (l.), Awesome (r.)

Hey everyone, look! It’s a new installment of WWE Superstar to Superstar. For you new readers, unfamiliar with this feature, imagine the following: it is something like “Inside the Actors’ Studio”, except if the celebrities were no one you cared about and the interviewer was a dumb dopey wrestler.

In this installment, our dumb dopey wrestler is Ashley, who is interviewing a mascara-wearing douchebag singer (“wiL”) in a band (“Aiden”) who she, like, totally, like knows and like recorded her awesome new theme song!

Ashley: wiL?
wiL:
Oh my God!
Ashley: How weird is this?
wiL: So weird!
Ashley: How crazy! When I found out you guys were recording my theme song, I was like, Aiden! Aiden! … No way! How are you?
wiL: You were like, wait a minute, don’t I know those guys?!
Ashley: Yeah, I’m pretty sure that I know them. (laughs)
wiL:
Yo, did you hear the song?
Ashley: “Let’s Light a Fire Tonight”?
wiL: Yeah.
Ashley: It’s awesome!
wiL: It’s so awesome!


abovE: fightinG thE oppressivE
rulE oF punctuationaL fascisM.

“It’s so awesome how I ran into the singer of some douchey band once, who capitalizes the LAST letter of his name because he is a rebel, and it’s like, a statement about not doing things the way the MAN tells, you, MAN! And I annoyed Vince McMahon for about 2 years to let him record my theme song, and finally he said, ‘I would suggest that no one cares what music is playing when you dumb broads come out to the ring anyway as long as you’re half-nekkid. I’ll greenlight whatever you want if you go get me a beer.’ AWWWEsome!”

So, WWE Diva… which one are you again? Ashley, right… back to the interview. How do YOU feel about this song? Excited? Or awesome? Please choose one.

Ashley: I am so excited. This is the best thing that ever happened!

Nice question, interviewer! You’re awesome!

wiL: Yeah, dude, I’m stoked.
Ashley:
That is so rad. I’m so excited, that’s awesome.

Yes, you mentioned that you were so excited, a moment ago. Awesome!

Ashley: So why do you think it’s a good fit for me?
wiL: Well it’s a good fit for you, because it rocks.

And you rock, because you’re awesome!

So wait, is this eye-makeupped, whiny douchebag ACTUALLY touting his own shitty song? Let’s try to imagine what Bobby Heenan would say in this situation. To do this, we will activate the Bobby Heenan Quote Generating Algorithm. And fire away:

heenan
“I’d rather listen to the drill while sitting in my dentist’s chair.
It has a good beat and you can dance to it!”

Thanks Bobby Machine. Seriously, “wiL” is a living, breathing example of why you can correlate the departure of Bobby Heenan with the super suckitude of WWE. Sure, there were always ridiculous, self-important douchebags around in the old WWF, but you had Bobby Heenan there to ridicule them. Now, everyone on the payroll has to wax poetic about how AWESOME the latest identical emo band is that comes down the pipe to perform the official song of the latest identical PPV, including (not that it’s his fault) poor JR. Bobby Heenan wouldn’t tolerate that shit.

We miss you, Brain.

wiL: It’s going to rock the house when you turn off all the lights and come out to it.

“Too bad we can’t play your awesome song during my actual shitty match when the crowd is perfectly silent! That would be RAD! And give them something do do other than stare at their own navels in silence, or buy yet more popcorn! AWESOME!”

Ashley: It’s going to be awesome. I can’t wait. I can’t wait for the Vol. 8 album to come out!

“But at least, while I wait, I can consume some of these other products associated with WWE: Castrol! Radical! Skittles! Fruity, delicious, fruity, fruity and AWESOME! Snickers! Totally, totally bitchin! And the latest film targeted to the 18-25 demographic! Uber-coolness!”

wiL: I don’t know of any theme song that rocks harder than “Let’s Light a Fire Tonight.”

Let’s see. Well for starters there’s “Real American.” No matter what you think of Hulk Hogan, that was pretty cool. The nWo music rocked. The Big Bossman song had that nice Lynyrd Skynyrd-country rock thing happening. Then there was comedy ones like Ted DiBiase and HBK. And…

Huh. I just realized it would be easier to list all the ones that actually suck MORE than Ashley’s shitty music that leads her out to the ring to signal an upcoming shitty match. Let’s see, there’s… uh… well I was gonna say Great Khali, but they have that cool Indian thing in the beginning, so that’s pretty cool. And John Cena’s music sucks balls, but the intro isn’t so bad, and the beat is OK until he ruins it by rapping over it. This is harder than I thought.

OK WWE — you stumped me. I can’t think of one entrance music ever that is gayer or less memorable than this piece of shit by some band whose name I forgot already, for the wrestler named whatshername. It is the worst entrance music in history.

Ashley: Yes! Oh I can’t wait… Oh I’m so happy. Thank you so much for doing it.
wiL: Thank you for letting me. It’s awesome.

I have a few questions here. Does he mean his song is awesome? Or her letting him record the song is awesome? And not that I really care what the answers are, but just for the sake of structuring this thing somewhat like an interview, are we ever going to get an actual question and answer that doesn’t entail how awesome these two rejects are?

Oh, and does he really think she “let” him record the song? Can he possibly not know that she has absolutely nothing to do with the process — that she is just a live human product that WWE is promoting by sending her out to do poorly executed clotheslines in lingerie?

Oh, Bobby Heenan Quote-Generating Algorithm, what do you have to say about Ashley’s wrestling skills?

heenan
“Well, I would say that as a wrestler, she is a terrific lingerie model.”

Thanks Brain! And now we continue the awesomeness!


Fig. 1: Artist’s rendering of Ashley and wiL’s
circular vocabulary.

Ashley: So why will this song pump up our fans when I enter the area?
wiL: Because it rocks!

And why does it rock?! Because it’s AWESOME! And why is it awesome? Because it is RAD!! And why is it rad? Because it ROCKS!! And why does it rock? Because it will pump up the fans!!

Ashley: Heck yeah, it does. And how about what’s going on with the band lately? What’s next for you guys?
wiL: What’s next? Well we put out Conviction in 2007.
Ashley: I know, I liked “Teenage Queen” and there are so many. Aiden is my favorite band.
wiL: Oh rad! Awesome.

“Well, the band of the new guy I met in a different diner is a tad awesomer. But you’re still like totally radness n shit!”

Ashley: Awesome. So you going to hook me up with tickets or what?
wiL: Yeah, dude. Whatever you want, man.
Ashley: To Austin, you know I got to go.
wiL: Consider it done.
Ashley: Sweet.
wiL: Well if you want to bring anybody, I’ll put you on for you plus one or two or whatever you want.
Ashley: OK, cool. My brother might come.
wiL: Cool, I remember him.

Note to WWE: this is not an interview. This is called “making hangout plans”. This is a portion of the conversation that could have been had via text message, and not foisted upon the readers of WWE.com. I’m surprised they’re not discussing what restaurant to go to afterwards.

Ashley: Yeah, seriously guys, you do not want to miss this show, it’s awesome. I cannot believe that I’m doing an interview with you right now!

You aren’t. You are just talking about how cool things are. An interview implies some questions being asked and information being gleaned for the listening audience. Two self-absorbed dummies talking about how awesome they both are doesn’t quite qualify as an interview.

Bobby Heenan Quote-Generating Algorithm, how do you feel about Ashley’s interviewing?

heenan
“I guess she dropped her Journalism 101 textbook when she
was down by the docks with the 104th Fleet.”

That’s not very nice, Mr. Heenan. But funny!

Ashley: Like that’s crazy. Like I am through the roof, I am! I can’t believe it. That is so rad. Thanks man, I really, really appreciate that you’re doing it. I’m so stoked.

Status report: Like, still stoked, still rad. Awesomeness is likely.

Ashley: So I’ll be seeing you soon huh?
wiL: Yeah, like five days I think we’re there on tour, in Austin.

Better hope she doesn’t meet any other really sensitive emo singers between now and five days from now, kiddo! Or you might have an Ashley themed “why did you dump me” album coming out in late 2008.

Ashley: Five days, I’ll be there. … So everybody look out for Aiden’s new theme song for Ashley, “Let’s Light a Fire Tonight,” because I’m sure it’s going to kick you-know-what.
wiL: Kick some butt.

HE SAID IT! HE SAID BUTT!! WHAT A REBEL!!!!!! Someone get a muzzle on this guy pronto!

That concludes the AWESOMENESS portion of this blog. We now return you to regular English spoken by moderately intelligent adults.

heenan“Just in time, too… I got an early bird special at the Oriental buffet.
Monsoon’s paying.”

Dogg Meets Turkey

Well, the sun came up today! You know what that means — some dumb shit must be happening at WWE.com.

snoopcena
(Above: Snoop Dogg (l), thug in a polo shirt (r))

It’s been a while since we have looked in on WWE Superstar to Superstar, a feature in which celebrities lower themselves to appearing on WWE media to hawk their upcoming movie or album, agreeing to be  interviewed by some dumbass wrestler. In the early days of this blog, we covered the extremely shitty MVP interviewing his shitty counterpart in the music world, will.i.am from the Black Eyed Peas.  Now, we dig into the archives and discover that preppie-masquerading-as-a-gangsta, John Cena, once interviewed ex-gangsta-turned-commercial-pop-sellout Snoop Dogg.

I was about to write an introduction to this piece, but quite honestly nothing I write can possibly be funnier than WWE’s own introduction to the original interview:

For the second installment of WWE.com’s Superstar to Superstar, WWE Champion John Cena took a few moments to talk to fellow hip-hop artist Snoop Dogg. (emphasis added)

…(pause)…

Yes, you read that right — “fellow hip-hop artist.” John Cena is Snoop Dogg’s “fellow hip-hop artist.” I believe in much in the same way that Isaac Yankem meets a “fellow dentist” when he goes to get a root canal, or Irwin R. Schyster goes to see his “fellow CPA” at tax time.

John Cena: Hey, Snoop, what’s happenin’, man?

Snoop Dogg: Good, how you doin’?

Cena: Starting out, is there anything you want to say to our viewers on WWE.com? The album is out, it’s available, it’s in stores. I’ve got it and it is unbelievable, man. I kind of walked through the story of the album. You do a lot of things in this thing. You keep it hard, with tracks by The Game and Ice Cube. You’re having some fun with Akon. You’re sending a message, too, man – you got Stevie Wonder on there.

I agree, Stevie Wonder and Akon on the same album sends a message. The message is, “Let’s fuck lots of whores with ass implants, perform illegal sex acts on stage, then pray for world peace.”

Snoop: Well, you know, basically, it’s Snoop Dogg all wrapped up in one.

In case you think Snoop is misusing a common phrase in the English language, as in “(Thing 1), (thing 2), … (thing “n”) all wrapped up into one”, using it to apply to one thing only which defeats the purpose of the saying, let me set you fools straight. Snoop actually hired a team of geneticists to clone him 7 times, then wrap up all 8 versions of himself up into one superhuman Snoop Dogg before recording this album. Suck on THAT, pedantic bitch-ass linguists.

Snoop: If you know Snoop Dogg, you know he do it every which way – he do it in his own exiting way, and that’s what this record is representing. It’s just a piece of me in every style that you always love me in, whether it’s gangsta, whether it’s with a message, whether it’s something for the ladies, whether it’s something for the club, whether it’s something just to get you hyped up before you go out there and whoop some ass as a wrestler, you understand what I’m saying?

Cena: That is indeed what I’m saying, man. Honestly, I was truly, truly taken back. You got 21 joints in this album. And that is indeed 21 true joints.

Say what you want about John Cena, but you have to give him credit for one thing — he has the lingo down. If there is anything that screams “street cred”, it is using the word “indeed“. A word that can thug out any sentence immediately.


“INDEED?! Seriously? Come on, that’s like the one thing I say.”

Examples:
- “Today, I was not at all, even in the slightest, predisposed to make use of my A.K. Indeed, one would have to declare it a good day.”

- “She’ll avail herself of my money/when I’m in need/Oh, she certainly is a woman of ill repute and questionable morals, indeed.”

- “Indeed, fuck yo couch.”

Cena: I want to take a second to just talk about Track 18, called “Beat Up on Yo Pads.” Obviously this is something that is near and dear to you. This is a direct shoutout to the kids involved in the Snoop Football League. You want to talk about that for a second?

“I want to take a second to talk about this song, which I was not prompted at all to do by your PR people. I also have the track number memorized, to prove that I have listened to this album many hundreds of times. Please talk about the meaning behind this song, which I did not plan to ask you about in any way in a preparatory pre-interview.”

Snoop: Yes, sir. Like I said, when I made that song it took me back to when I was a youngster and me and my homies, we used to just sit around and beat on our pads and try to make beats and come out with those sayings about the team that we was ready to play and how good we was.

You know, when Snoop Dogg talks about his life in the streets, I can’t help think how similar it is to the upbringing of John Cena, who used to sit around with his homies in the halls of his preparatory boarding school, making hip-hop beats by kicking the minority servants if they did not bring the chamomile tea piping hot, blasting Mozart from their Bentleys, and coming up with Latin verb conjugations that would intimidate the opposing polo team.

They’re really like two peas in a pod.

Cena: This is a joint I heard that really put a good sense about the whole album on me. This is something that you got everybody listening to the Snoop Dogg.

Me personally, I like to listen to “the Snoop Dogg”, right after I listen to “the ABBA”, and immediately before I turn on “the Slayer” or “the Dave Matthews”.

Cena: Literally you have done so much for the game of hip-hop and kind of overextended the normal boundaries. Seriously, you are pretty much a household name in the industry of hip-hop, so you got a lot of people listening to this. This is the type of joint that can make everybody say that although you are talking about truth at points, you are talking about what’s real.

“Although you are talking about truth at points, you are talking about what’s real.” Give me a moment here, as I make the necessary adjustments to help me understand this turn of phrase.

***conks self on head with gigantic cartoon mallet until a Fred Flintstone lump appears and birds circle head***

OK, now it all makes sense. Truth, with the real, at points, joint, joint, joint, game of hip-hop. Indeed, son.

Cena: You’re still moving in a positive direction and sending a positive message, especially to the youth out there who have a choice on which way to go with their lives.

Much like you, John Cena! You send the message that you don’t actually have to excel at the profession you’re in to rise to the top of it. Just stick your nose way up your boss’s ass, and you can be promoted with company propaganda as the most popular wrestler in your company even though everyone in the audience over the age of 16 thinks you suck and audibly boos you all the time.


Above: Slightly less kindhearted and
caring than Snoop Dogg.

Snoop: Yeah, you know that even in your profession, there’s so many kids that look up to us when they see us on TV and they aspire upon what we do. A lot of times we never get a chance to say how much they mean to us and how much we want them to learn from what we’ve been through and what we’re doing. That’s why I wanted to take time to make a song and pour my heart all into it. Trying to get at a kid one-on-one, that’s too hard. I’d rather get to all of them at one time.

This is actually getting me a little misty eyed. I didn’t see it at the time, but when he wrote “When a bitch get a attitude, pop it like it’s hot” I can see that he was really putting his heart on the line for the children. Same with “Bitchez ain’t shit but hoez and tricks” — that one really spoke to the youth of America, I thought. It takes a special kind of artist to put his credibility and critical acclaim on the line to make such soul-searching work.

Cena: I noticed there’s a lot of guest appearances on this album, and only a few new dogs on this thing. A lot of your old crew – you got MC Eiht, E-40, you got Kurupt, Nate Dogg, R. Kelly – the list goes on and on,

…and I am not reading it off of notes on my hand…

Cena: but it’s mostly people you’ve been down with since day one. What is your current view on the state of hip-hop as a whole?

Snoop: I think the state of hip-hop is in a great biz, right now it’s on. You used to have rappers come in the game and want to own a gold chain and a car, now they coming into the game owning their own record company, they own publishing, they own a clothing line, they get movie deals. They’re really establishing themselves as conglomerates and really making mass amounts of money, and really making an impression on the world.


Soon to appear on the Forbes 500.

That's nice. Everyone's conglomerating so the state of hip-hop is great. Awesome. Any opinion on what the fucking music sounds like? I seem to remember that the term "hip-hop" used to refer to something other than clothing lines. I might have missed it, but maybe he slipped it in there between "conglomerates" and "mass amounts of money".Remember when musical acts were frowned upon for being commercial? Like, Metallica became a joke and alienated their fanbase, because they became so ridiculously over the top sold-out. It doesn't seem like that long ago to me. Now, in any genre really, not just rap, it seems like you're a huge pussy if you aren't a mass-produced ringtone factory.At any rate, hip-hop will never die, it will just merge with General Electric I guess. Conglomerate on, Snoop:

Snoop: So the state of hip-hop is in the best state it’s ever been because there’s more money involved, there’s more business involved. There’s more creativity because you’re starting to look at commercials on TV now, and it has to have hip-hop involved in it, whether it’s old school or new school. You have to take a piece of hip-hop and put it in a part of everything, or nothing sells. We sell everything, you understand what I’m saying?

Yes, I understand Snoop, you sell EVERYTHING. Even to the point of whoring yourself out so low to sell your album that you do an interview with a lame-ass butt-kissing cracka like John Cena. Someone you probably would have shot on sight if he tried to talk to you 15 years ago, or put him in a dress and made his bitch ass walk the track.

Progress!

Snoop: It’s a beautiful thing to see that even hip-hop has even reached off into the wrestling world. Me and my son, we love you for what you doing, for real.
Cena: Thank you, man. (Laughs.)

Really? What's he watching? Was Cryme Tyme standing behind Cena when he said this? Remind me when was the last time John Cena rapped on television.

Ooh, I just realized, maybe he means Cena is "hip-hop" in the new sense having nothing to do with music, about conglomerating and being a corporate shilling whore.

Snoop: We just did a little thing the other day, and they was asking, they wanted him to talk in-depth and he don’t really speak in-depth. They was like, “Who you like? Who are your favorite wrestlers?” He was like, “John Cena.” They were like, “Why?” He was like, “’Cause he tight!” They was like, “No, explain why.” He was like, “He just tight!” to explain – it’s like transcending.

Amazingly, Snoop Dogg's son has a better vocabulary than most other John Cena fans.

Snoop: They like, “Why you like him?” He said, “’Cause he can rap good and he wrestles.”

Wow. Someone get his son some actual footage of John Cena so he can rethink that statement before going on record. He can rap good and he wrestles are two things John Cena most definitely does not do. Maybe he meant "he wears chains and a football jersey, and he does restholds". Or maybe WWE spliced some footage of KRS-1 into a Flair-Steamboat match and showed it to Snoop's son, telling him it was John Cena as a cruel joke on a youngster.

Snoop: And I’m gonna tell you, if you wasn’t doing what you supposed to be doing, we wouldn’t be doing this interview.
Cena: Exactly.

Maybe I am crazy, but the way I read that was that Snoop wouldn't be paired up with this jive ass honky for this interview, if said honky didn't have a fake hip-hop image created out of thin air by Vince McMahon. If not for his bullshit gimmick, he would be interviewing Panic at the Disco. Of course Cena assumes it is a compliment and wholeheartedly agrees.

OK, our crack research team has handed me a note in answer to my earlier request to remind me when the last time John Cena actually rapped was, and apparently it is so long ago that very little footage of this exists anymore. I believe the last time that Snoop Dogg saw John Cena on television was 2002.

Actually I'm starting to think that Snoop Dogg doesn't actually watch WWE and *might* be doing this interview just to get publicity. Don't quote me on that.

Snoop: I love what you doing and how you doing it. You doing it in a real fly way. I even said something to the effect of you could even get Snoop Dogg in a wrestling uniform and we could tag team.

Wrestling uniform?! OK, my earlier assessment may have been wrong... Now, I think Snoop Dogg has never actually seen a WWE show because he thinks that the wrestlers wear "uniforms". Or maybe he only saw one episode of WWE wrestling and it was "The RAW Bowl".

YouTube Preview Image

Cena: Ah, I might call in that favor, man. I’ll be honest with you, never say never on that one.
Snoop: Yeah, you call in that favor. Just hold him up and let me slap the s*** out of him and I’ll walk up out the ring. (Laughs.) For real.

What a fresh and interesting direction to go with this interview. I have never seen this type of banter template used before in this way.

CELEBRITY: I would one day like to wrestle with you.

WRESTLER: Indeed, that would be a fine idea.

CELEBRITY: No, I really mean it. I'm totally not saying it because this is the part I have to adlib in, and I can't think of any other fun way to interact with you because you are a dumb wrestler. I am really serious. We could do a flying drop kick and body slams like Sandy the Macho Man, and Andrew the Giant.

Cena: That’s my Dogg. (Laughs.) I’m not going to take anymore of your time. I just wanted to say on a personal note, Track 20 with you and Dre back together, is awesome for me, man. That is the bomb on the whole album.


Above: People who "get" John Cena's lingo.

OK. I know the point of this whole thing is mockery. But honestly it's painful to me to read John "Mr. Street Cred Rapper" Cena's misuse of street slang. First of all, no one has said "the bomb" without irony in about 15 years -- I think I heard it on a rerun of The Fresh Prince the other day. Secondly, even back when your target audience's parents used to use that phrase, it was not used that way ("That is the bomb on the whole album"). It just sounds like you are using regular non-slang English and saying that song is the bomb of the album, i.e., shitty.

I think the whole album is tight. You brought out names – the list of cameos is unbelievable. You truly did roll out the “Blue Carpet.” It’s good to see you back doing your thing. I want to let WWE fans know the album is in stores now, they can go cop it.

Yes, definitely go "cop" it. It's "the bomb". Then you can put it on and "get jiggy with it", while you "rap to some fly slimmies" and don't forget to wear your "jimmy hat" when you "do the wild thing". Word is bond, yo.

Cena: You could tell, you could tell that, man. Every song on the album’s got a story and every story is great, man. Snoop, I want to thank you very much for your time. I know WWE is going to check it out and enjoy it.
Snoop: And big John Cena, there’s only nothin’ to it but to do it. If you ever need somebody’s ass kicked on the DL, holla at me.
Cena: You got it, man. Tha Blue Carpet Treatment, in stores now. The animated The Adventures of Tha Blue Carpet Treatment, look for it in March. But I’m telling you, Blue Carpet Treatment is out and it is very, very heavy, in stores now. Snoop, thank you so much, I appreciate it.
Snoop: Good luck. And John, be good.

But not at wrestling! You might lose your job and have to support yourself by rapping.

MVP: Bad at Other Things Besides Wrestling

You know, when I woke up today, as I poured my Count Chocula and prepared for another boring day of work , I thought to myself: “Self, there is only one thing in this formless void we call a universe that could possibly make me happy. And that is if an untalented midcarder in the WWE were to interview a terrible rapper in an untalented commercial pop group. ” But, of course, that type of dream connection doesn’t really happen outside the imagination of youth.

Wait a minute, what’s this?!

In the latest edition of WWE.com’s Superstar to Superstar, SmackDown’s United States and WWE Tag Team Champ MVP chats with rapper, lyricist, producer and frontman of the Black Eyed Peas, will.i.am.

Wh… But I…Hominahomina… WHAT?!

WWE, it’s like you constantly read my mind when you decide what entertainments to put in my computer box. God bless you and your ability to give the fans what they want with no obnoxious intrusion of marketing whatsoever.

MVP digs deep with will.i.am. to find out the inspiration for his solo album, Songs About Girls, which was released in September. Catch will.i.am’s performance on the American Music Awards Sunday, Nov. 18, on ABC.

Catch will.i.am on Extra, The Insider and Access Hollywood. Catch will.i.am in every magazine from now until summer 2008. Catch will.i.am. being used as a giant Q-Tip on the New American Gladiators with Hulk Hogan, January 6th on NBC. Catch will.i.am’s shitty album appearing at the bottom of the $2.99 rack at your local used CD store in approximately 1 year.

Also, catch MVP at a mall opening in January 2009, followed by MVP selling fruit outside of tollbooths later that year, telling people he used to be famous. Then catch him in the “Where Are They Now?” section of washed-up WWE wrestlers, two years from now, scratch your head, and go, “M. V. Who?! Wasn’t that the guy with the baseball face?”

MVP: Will, how you doing, man? MVP… SmackDown.
will: What’s up?
MVP: Well, I was fortunate enough to be picked to interview you for Superstar to Superstar. So I have some questions for you. Are you ready?
will: Yeah. What’s up?

Analysis: Well, we are two questions in and so far he has asked him whether he is ready for any questions yet. I have to say, by WWE standards, this “idiot wrestlers interviewing people” thing is a rousing success. I guess the one job Michael Cole can sort of do without completely embarrassing himself has been rendered obsolete.

MVP: I’m very, very pleased to have been able to watch your explosion because the first time I saw you guys was on the Warped Tour in 1999. It was really cool to watch your explosion – and I say explosion because the group Black Eyed Peas has blown up.

“I also say ‘explosion’ because I like explosions. I say ‘explosion’ a lot. Explosion! Explodey explosional explode-o-rama. I’m blowin’ up! In fact I like blowin’ up so much that I do it in the ring 2 minutes into a match.”

will: I think it’s awesome to be able to ride the wave and maneuver myself, just staying afloat. A lot of people think we’re in business, so…

MVP: On a personal note, I used to work for years out on South Beach, running security in nightclubs and doing bodyguard work. One night you, Tab and Fergie came into Mansion, and I was assigned to bodyguard you guys while you were in the one room. It’s kind of interesting how at that point, I was a virtual nobody and now I’ve come into my own success as a celebrity, and it’s so realistic to me. It’s mind-numbing sometimes how quickly celebrity can take off.

Oh, my dear MVP. You’re on Smackdown. If everyone on TV were allowed to call themselves celebrities, the National Enquirer would be full of stories about public access cable TV hosts.

This interview is a lot like, say, Tom Hanks’s limo driver engaging Tom in buddy-buddy conversation, including himself on the same plane of celebrity as Tom Hanks because he drives famous people around all the time, and Tom having to nod politely, insert appropriate “uh-huh”s and “nope”s in at the relevant times, and pray for the ride to the airport to be over as soon as possible.

How do you deal with the success, being able to say that at one point you were the proverbial starving artist and now you’re considered one of the top acts and producers in the country?

“Well, I try to keep in mind that I’m really not very good at what I do, and at any time, I could fall back down to the level of ‘celebrity’ that includes Carrot Top and MVP. That keeps me humble as a motherfucker.”

I’m just kidding, he didn’t really say that.

will: I try not to take it too seriously, you know? Because you can let it get to your head, the quality of entertainment. So I like to always stay connected and see what people gravitate toward and not let the celebrity separate me from people because at the end of the day, you’re entertaining those people. To know what those people are craving and feeling at the moment, is to always stay relevant, you know? Especially in this day and age, as soon as you put yourself on a pedestal, you don’t have that connection, you know?

MVP: Yeah, I understand exactly what you’re saying. One of the things we pride ourselves on as WWE Superstars is connecting with the audience. What we do in the ring, we’re reacting from the energy of the crowd. So we have to be connected to our fans just the same way you have to be connected to yours.

I guess I can’t argue with that. If you force someone to get up and go get popcorn during your shitty match, or put them to sleep with an intricately choreographed series of chinlocks made with angry faces, I guess technically you have “connected” with them. The same way you “connect” with someone’s foot when you get kicked hard in the testicles.

mvpchinlock 1
MVP “connecting” with fans.

MVP: A lot of WWE fans are huge followers of Black Eyed Peas,

A lot of WWE fans also have problems operating a toaster.

MVP: but I know recently you had a solo joint come out. What can the fans expect from your solo joint? Do you have the same energy and intensity that the Black Eyed Peas albums have, or are you venturing out in a different direction?

will: It’s a little different, but not too different to where I’m alienated. My solo record, it has to be a little different. It can’t be the same, just me minus the other three. So just in respect to the Black Eyed Peas and what I’ve built, I’ve had to be adventurous and try to take our audience to a different musical place.

“However, to avoid confusing my fanbase with my radically different ‘joint’, I have hired another half-naked, giant retarded slut to dance around next to me rhythmlessly while I sing.”

MVP: (laughs) So for the most part, you have fun, get loose, but nothing too outrageous. Fair enough. … Let me ask you this… You’ve quickly become recognized as one of music’s top producers. I’m curious, who is your favorite person to collaborate with or who have you had the most fun working with?

will: Michael Jackson is my high right now.

MVP: I remember when Michael Jackson as an act, as a talent, was untouchable and was in a realm all his own. How does it feel to be working with him?

will: That’s like you getting in the ring with… yeah, dude, for me, Michael Jackson. He’s not Hulk Hogan. To me, it would be like “Macho Man” Randy Savage. To me, like, Elvis is equivalent to Hulk Hogan. And Michael Jackson would be like who, I don’t know.

I admit I am digging this musical artist/wrestler comparison heirarchy that will.i.am has created here. I have put together some additions to this metaphorical equivalent-fame stepladder for my own amusement.

MUSICAL ARTIST/WRESTLER OF EQUIVALENT FAME
Michael Jackson/Randy Savage
Elvis Presley/Hulk Hogan
Brooke Hogan/Horace Hogan
Bob Dylan/Big John Studd
Metallica/Ric Flair
Jessica Simpson/Shawn Michaels
Ashlee Simpson/Marty Jannetty
Panic at the Disco/Viscera
Insane Clown Posse/Insane Clown Posse
Black Eyed Peas in 5 years/MVP now

MVP: Working with someone like Michael Jackson, intimidated might be the wrong word, but for lack of a better word, do you sometimes find yourself a little awe-struck when producing or working with him?

will: At first I was, but you can’t be. If you are then you’re jeopardizing the outcome of whatever it is you’re working on. It took a while for me and it took a lot of mental strength to just let it go and forget about it. You have to separate it. You have to forget everything that he meant to you and what he symbolized. You’ve just got to go out and do the work.

“Although I kept tripping over toddlers while we were recording.”

MVP: OK, so we can get the whole story just listening to it. All right. Now let me just switch gears here for a second. You mention growing up in the projects and there, you know, sometimes you are going to get into scraps. Did you get into some scraps growing up?

will: Not in my projects. I was the dude that … I never got in a fight … never in my whole life. Because I was the dude in the projects that everyone was like, ‘That’s that dude Willie, do that rap you did the other day!’

MVP: Ahhh, OK, you were that guy! I’m digging that.

Whereas MVP was the guy who used to pick fights with all the smaller kids, get tired and put them into chinlocks for five minutes.

MVP: But my last question is would you like to come to a WWE show in the future, maybe come down, show me a little love, represent, you know?

will: You know what? I’ve always wanted to go to a wrestling match, but we were pretty poor. My next-door neighbor used to go to the Royal Rumble.

Huh? Does he think the Royal Rumble is, like, a weekly wrestling block party that they have downtown every week? That kids raise money for by putting on a breakdancing show? “Hey, where’s our wacky next-door neighbor? Oh, he went down to the local youth center to see this week’s Royal Rumble.”

I mean, not that anyone really reads these things (except for me, God help us), but you would think if you’re going into an interview to promote your shitty album at a wrestling site, and drop the name of a PPV, you might familiarize yourself with the basics of what a PPV is and when they take place.

“Yes Bob Costas. I truly love the NFL. I had a great-uncle who often used to go to the Super Bowl.”

MVP: So you grew up watching WWE then?

will: Yeah, dude, I used to be a big WWE fan. You can tell by my knowledge. George “The Animal” Steele, Andre the Giant was dope, British Bulldog, Iron Sheik …but I like Junkyard Dog, that’s my boy. And Koko B. Ware. And Randy… yeeeeeah… “Macho Man.”

Yes, no one knows any of those obscure wrestlers except for you. You truly possess heretofore unimagined knowledge of wrestling.

MVP: I know you’re busy, man. I really enjoyed talking to you and anytime, you have an open invitation to come to a WWE show and you will be my personal guest.

will: All right.

MVP: All right, well you hold it down. Take care. Thank you very much.

will: Thanks.

Until we meet again on VH1′s “I Love the 2000s!”


Speaking Out

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