Dogg Meets Turkey

Well, the sun came up today! You know what that means — some dumb shit must be happening at WWE.com.

snoopcena
(Above: Snoop Dogg (l), thug in a polo shirt (r))

It’s been a while since we have looked in on WWE Superstar to Superstar, a feature in which celebrities lower themselves to appearing on WWE media to hawk their upcoming movie or album, agreeing to be  interviewed by some dumbass wrestler. In the early days of this blog, we covered the extremely shitty MVP interviewing his shitty counterpart in the music world, will.i.am from the Black Eyed Peas.  Now, we dig into the archives and discover that preppie-masquerading-as-a-gangsta, John Cena, once interviewed ex-gangsta-turned-commercial-pop-sellout Snoop Dogg.

I was about to write an introduction to this piece, but quite honestly nothing I write can possibly be funnier than WWE’s own introduction to the original interview:

For the second installment of WWE.com’s Superstar to Superstar, WWE Champion John Cena took a few moments to talk to fellow hip-hop artist Snoop Dogg. (emphasis added)

…(pause)…

Yes, you read that right — “fellow hip-hop artist.” John Cena is Snoop Dogg’s “fellow hip-hop artist.” I believe in much in the same way that Isaac Yankem meets a “fellow dentist” when he goes to get a root canal, or Irwin R. Schyster goes to see his “fellow CPA” at tax time.

John Cena: Hey, Snoop, what’s happenin’, man?

Snoop Dogg: Good, how you doin’?

Cena: Starting out, is there anything you want to say to our viewers on WWE.com? The album is out, it’s available, it’s in stores. I’ve got it and it is unbelievable, man. I kind of walked through the story of the album. You do a lot of things in this thing. You keep it hard, with tracks by The Game and Ice Cube. You’re having some fun with Akon. You’re sending a message, too, man – you got Stevie Wonder on there.

I agree, Stevie Wonder and Akon on the same album sends a message. The message is, “Let’s fuck lots of whores with ass implants, perform illegal sex acts on stage, then pray for world peace.”

Snoop: Well, you know, basically, it’s Snoop Dogg all wrapped up in one.

In case you think Snoop is misusing a common phrase in the English language, as in “(Thing 1), (thing 2), … (thing “n”) all wrapped up into one”, using it to apply to one thing only which defeats the purpose of the saying, let me set you fools straight. Snoop actually hired a team of geneticists to clone him 7 times, then wrap up all 8 versions of himself up into one superhuman Snoop Dogg before recording this album. Suck on THAT, pedantic bitch-ass linguists.

Snoop: If you know Snoop Dogg, you know he do it every which way – he do it in his own exiting way, and that’s what this record is representing. It’s just a piece of me in every style that you always love me in, whether it’s gangsta, whether it’s with a message, whether it’s something for the ladies, whether it’s something for the club, whether it’s something just to get you hyped up before you go out there and whoop some ass as a wrestler, you understand what I’m saying?

Cena: That is indeed what I’m saying, man. Honestly, I was truly, truly taken back. You got 21 joints in this album. And that is indeed 21 true joints.

Say what you want about John Cena, but you have to give him credit for one thing — he has the lingo down. If there is anything that screams “street cred”, it is using the word “indeed“. A word that can thug out any sentence immediately.


“INDEED?! Seriously? Come on, that’s like the one thing I say.”

Examples:
- “Today, I was not at all, even in the slightest, predisposed to make use of my A.K. Indeed, one would have to declare it a good day.”

- “She’ll avail herself of my money/when I’m in need/Oh, she certainly is a woman of ill repute and questionable morals, indeed.”

- “Indeed, fuck yo couch.”

Cena: I want to take a second to just talk about Track 18, called “Beat Up on Yo Pads.” Obviously this is something that is near and dear to you. This is a direct shoutout to the kids involved in the Snoop Football League. You want to talk about that for a second?

“I want to take a second to talk about this song, which I was not prompted at all to do by your PR people. I also have the track number memorized, to prove that I have listened to this album many hundreds of times. Please talk about the meaning behind this song, which I did not plan to ask you about in any way in a preparatory pre-interview.”

Snoop: Yes, sir. Like I said, when I made that song it took me back to when I was a youngster and me and my homies, we used to just sit around and beat on our pads and try to make beats and come out with those sayings about the team that we was ready to play and how good we was.

You know, when Snoop Dogg talks about his life in the streets, I can’t help think how similar it is to the upbringing of John Cena, who used to sit around with his homies in the halls of his preparatory boarding school, making hip-hop beats by kicking the minority servants if they did not bring the chamomile tea piping hot, blasting Mozart from their Bentleys, and coming up with Latin verb conjugations that would intimidate the opposing polo team.

They’re really like two peas in a pod.

Cena: This is a joint I heard that really put a good sense about the whole album on me. This is something that you got everybody listening to the Snoop Dogg.

Me personally, I like to listen to “the Snoop Dogg”, right after I listen to “the ABBA”, and immediately before I turn on “the Slayer” or “the Dave Matthews”.

Cena: Literally you have done so much for the game of hip-hop and kind of overextended the normal boundaries. Seriously, you are pretty much a household name in the industry of hip-hop, so you got a lot of people listening to this. This is the type of joint that can make everybody say that although you are talking about truth at points, you are talking about what’s real.

“Although you are talking about truth at points, you are talking about what’s real.” Give me a moment here, as I make the necessary adjustments to help me understand this turn of phrase.

***conks self on head with gigantic cartoon mallet until a Fred Flintstone lump appears and birds circle head***

OK, now it all makes sense. Truth, with the real, at points, joint, joint, joint, game of hip-hop. Indeed, son.

Cena: You’re still moving in a positive direction and sending a positive message, especially to the youth out there who have a choice on which way to go with their lives.

Much like you, John Cena! You send the message that you don’t actually have to excel at the profession you’re in to rise to the top of it. Just stick your nose way up your boss’s ass, and you can be promoted with company propaganda as the most popular wrestler in your company even though everyone in the audience over the age of 16 thinks you suck and audibly boos you all the time.


Above: Slightly less kindhearted and
caring than Snoop Dogg.

Snoop: Yeah, you know that even in your profession, there’s so many kids that look up to us when they see us on TV and they aspire upon what we do. A lot of times we never get a chance to say how much they mean to us and how much we want them to learn from what we’ve been through and what we’re doing. That’s why I wanted to take time to make a song and pour my heart all into it. Trying to get at a kid one-on-one, that’s too hard. I’d rather get to all of them at one time.

This is actually getting me a little misty eyed. I didn’t see it at the time, but when he wrote “When a bitch get a attitude, pop it like it’s hot” I can see that he was really putting his heart on the line for the children. Same with “Bitchez ain’t shit but hoez and tricks” — that one really spoke to the youth of America, I thought. It takes a special kind of artist to put his credibility and critical acclaim on the line to make such soul-searching work.

Cena: I noticed there’s a lot of guest appearances on this album, and only a few new dogs on this thing. A lot of your old crew – you got MC Eiht, E-40, you got Kurupt, Nate Dogg, R. Kelly – the list goes on and on,

…and I am not reading it off of notes on my hand…

Cena: but it’s mostly people you’ve been down with since day one. What is your current view on the state of hip-hop as a whole?

Snoop: I think the state of hip-hop is in a great biz, right now it’s on. You used to have rappers come in the game and want to own a gold chain and a car, now they coming into the game owning their own record company, they own publishing, they own a clothing line, they get movie deals. They’re really establishing themselves as conglomerates and really making mass amounts of money, and really making an impression on the world.


Soon to appear on the Forbes 500.

That's nice. Everyone's conglomerating so the state of hip-hop is great. Awesome. Any opinion on what the fucking music sounds like? I seem to remember that the term "hip-hop" used to refer to something other than clothing lines. I might have missed it, but maybe he slipped it in there between "conglomerates" and "mass amounts of money".Remember when musical acts were frowned upon for being commercial? Like, Metallica became a joke and alienated their fanbase, because they became so ridiculously over the top sold-out. It doesn't seem like that long ago to me. Now, in any genre really, not just rap, it seems like you're a huge pussy if you aren't a mass-produced ringtone factory.At any rate, hip-hop will never die, it will just merge with General Electric I guess. Conglomerate on, Snoop:

Snoop: So the state of hip-hop is in the best state it’s ever been because there’s more money involved, there’s more business involved. There’s more creativity because you’re starting to look at commercials on TV now, and it has to have hip-hop involved in it, whether it’s old school or new school. You have to take a piece of hip-hop and put it in a part of everything, or nothing sells. We sell everything, you understand what I’m saying?

Yes, I understand Snoop, you sell EVERYTHING. Even to the point of whoring yourself out so low to sell your album that you do an interview with a lame-ass butt-kissing cracka like John Cena. Someone you probably would have shot on sight if he tried to talk to you 15 years ago, or put him in a dress and made his bitch ass walk the track.

Progress!

Snoop: It’s a beautiful thing to see that even hip-hop has even reached off into the wrestling world. Me and my son, we love you for what you doing, for real.
Cena: Thank you, man. (Laughs.)

Really? What's he watching? Was Cryme Tyme standing behind Cena when he said this? Remind me when was the last time John Cena rapped on television.

Ooh, I just realized, maybe he means Cena is "hip-hop" in the new sense having nothing to do with music, about conglomerating and being a corporate shilling whore.

Snoop: We just did a little thing the other day, and they was asking, they wanted him to talk in-depth and he don’t really speak in-depth. They was like, “Who you like? Who are your favorite wrestlers?” He was like, “John Cena.” They were like, “Why?” He was like, “’Cause he tight!” They was like, “No, explain why.” He was like, “He just tight!” to explain – it’s like transcending.

Amazingly, Snoop Dogg's son has a better vocabulary than most other John Cena fans.

Snoop: They like, “Why you like him?” He said, “’Cause he can rap good and he wrestles.”

Wow. Someone get his son some actual footage of John Cena so he can rethink that statement before going on record. He can rap good and he wrestles are two things John Cena most definitely does not do. Maybe he meant "he wears chains and a football jersey, and he does restholds". Or maybe WWE spliced some footage of KRS-1 into a Flair-Steamboat match and showed it to Snoop's son, telling him it was John Cena as a cruel joke on a youngster.

Snoop: And I’m gonna tell you, if you wasn’t doing what you supposed to be doing, we wouldn’t be doing this interview.
Cena: Exactly.

Maybe I am crazy, but the way I read that was that Snoop wouldn't be paired up with this jive ass honky for this interview, if said honky didn't have a fake hip-hop image created out of thin air by Vince McMahon. If not for his bullshit gimmick, he would be interviewing Panic at the Disco. Of course Cena assumes it is a compliment and wholeheartedly agrees.

OK, our crack research team has handed me a note in answer to my earlier request to remind me when the last time John Cena actually rapped was, and apparently it is so long ago that very little footage of this exists anymore. I believe the last time that Snoop Dogg saw John Cena on television was 2002.

Actually I'm starting to think that Snoop Dogg doesn't actually watch WWE and *might* be doing this interview just to get publicity. Don't quote me on that.

Snoop: I love what you doing and how you doing it. You doing it in a real fly way. I even said something to the effect of you could even get Snoop Dogg in a wrestling uniform and we could tag team.

Wrestling uniform?! OK, my earlier assessment may have been wrong... Now, I think Snoop Dogg has never actually seen a WWE show because he thinks that the wrestlers wear "uniforms". Or maybe he only saw one episode of WWE wrestling and it was "The RAW Bowl".

YouTube Preview Image

Cena: Ah, I might call in that favor, man. I’ll be honest with you, never say never on that one.
Snoop: Yeah, you call in that favor. Just hold him up and let me slap the s*** out of him and I’ll walk up out the ring. (Laughs.) For real.

What a fresh and interesting direction to go with this interview. I have never seen this type of banter template used before in this way.

CELEBRITY: I would one day like to wrestle with you.

WRESTLER: Indeed, that would be a fine idea.

CELEBRITY: No, I really mean it. I'm totally not saying it because this is the part I have to adlib in, and I can't think of any other fun way to interact with you because you are a dumb wrestler. I am really serious. We could do a flying drop kick and body slams like Sandy the Macho Man, and Andrew the Giant.

Cena: That’s my Dogg. (Laughs.) I’m not going to take anymore of your time. I just wanted to say on a personal note, Track 20 with you and Dre back together, is awesome for me, man. That is the bomb on the whole album.


Above: People who "get" John Cena's lingo.

OK. I know the point of this whole thing is mockery. But honestly it's painful to me to read John "Mr. Street Cred Rapper" Cena's misuse of street slang. First of all, no one has said "the bomb" without irony in about 15 years -- I think I heard it on a rerun of The Fresh Prince the other day. Secondly, even back when your target audience's parents used to use that phrase, it was not used that way ("That is the bomb on the whole album"). It just sounds like you are using regular non-slang English and saying that song is the bomb of the album, i.e., shitty.

I think the whole album is tight. You brought out names – the list of cameos is unbelievable. You truly did roll out the “Blue Carpet.” It’s good to see you back doing your thing. I want to let WWE fans know the album is in stores now, they can go cop it.

Yes, definitely go "cop" it. It's "the bomb". Then you can put it on and "get jiggy with it", while you "rap to some fly slimmies" and don't forget to wear your "jimmy hat" when you "do the wild thing". Word is bond, yo.

Cena: You could tell, you could tell that, man. Every song on the album’s got a story and every story is great, man. Snoop, I want to thank you very much for your time. I know WWE is going to check it out and enjoy it.
Snoop: And big John Cena, there’s only nothin’ to it but to do it. If you ever need somebody’s ass kicked on the DL, holla at me.
Cena: You got it, man. Tha Blue Carpet Treatment, in stores now. The animated The Adventures of Tha Blue Carpet Treatment, look for it in March. But I’m telling you, Blue Carpet Treatment is out and it is very, very heavy, in stores now. Snoop, thank you so much, I appreciate it.
Snoop: Good luck. And John, be good.

But not at wrestling! You might lose your job and have to support yourself by rapping.

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