Viscera Loves New York* (*smothered with a honey glaze and cooked at 350 degrees until a golden brown, with a side of potatoes au gratin)May 7th, 2008 | Written by Buff Blogwell | No Comments
(Above: The human race, circa 2008.)
It’s high time we checked in with WWE Superstar-to-Superstar, the feature that involves usually marginal celebrities shamelessly promoting their products, by agreeing to be interviewed by lowly WWE personnel.
You might think that such an assignment might go to someone like JR, who is a trained and skilled broadcaster and interviewer with decades of experience; or, failing that, perhaps someone like Michael Cole, who, though far from interesting or talented, at least can speak English fluently, and really has nothing better to do in between Smackdown tapings (Tuesdays) and playing World of Warcraft (Wednesdays through Sundays).
Unfortunately, rather than send an interviewer to interview people, WWE chooses to send their dumbass wrestlers — people who are, with a few exceptions, really bad at public speaking. Terrible for creating informative interviews, but great for this blog! Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: WWE icon Big Daddy V (still known as “Viscera” when this interview took place) interviewing “New York”, who is famous for being rejected twice on national television by former crackhead Flavor Flav. Yes, WWE has decided to pair up a man who is famous for looking and acting ridiculous, with a woman who is famous for looking and acting ridiculous. When archaeologists unearth the ruins of our society in a few thousand years, they may in fact pinpoint this interview as the exact point in history where our embarrassing culture was finally snuffed out. Let the latest abortion unfold!
In the latest installment of WWE.com’s Superstar to Superstar, The World’s Largest Love Machine, Viscera, takes a few minutes to have a rendezvous with I Love New York star – and Flavor Flav’s most famous castoff – Tiffany “New York” Pollard. What happens when two people with an insatiable appetite for love get together during the most romantic time of the year?
WWE, let’s set some ground rules here. If you’re going to ridicule your own wrestlers in your own piece, then I don’t have to bother with this at all. So at least try to make the cutdowns funny! Saying a big fat guy has an “insatiable appetite for love” — I guess that’s going in the right direction, but it needs some work. If you want to mix sex and fatness/food imagery, how about “uncontrollable sexual lust for fried mozzarella sticks”? Or maybe “a gigantic distended belly and huge droopy man-tits full of passion”.
Moving on, let’s see if we can spot a theme developing.
“Oh shit, they’re talking about babies again.
I need to learn to run before I get eaten.”
Viscera: Word up, New York, baby, how’re you doing?
NY: I’m doing good, baby. So good to finally talk to you.
Viscera: Yeah, baby. So glad things are going real well for you.
NY: Yes, they are.
There is a flag on the play. New York forgot to say “Yes, they are, baby“. 10 points to Viscera. First down!
Viscera: How does it feel to have such a successful show? After being on Flavor of Love, to be on top of the world?
NY: It feels wonderful. I’m having the time of my life – it’s such a shock, surprise ending. I mean, who would have thought I’d have my own show and all, especially after the way Flav left me. It’s like a dream come true. It was negative, and now it’s a positive, and it’s just glorious living in the moment.
Who would have thought you would have your own show? On the contrary, I think it was a foregone conclusion! Let’s see what your qualifications are for having a ridiculous reality show.
1. You’re loud and obnoxious.
2. You’re really stupid.
3. You’re willing and eager to humiliate yourself for a worldwide audience, for money.
So, given those skills, it was either (in order from least to most humiliating) get your own show on VH1, receive golden showers and bukkake on camera, or become a WWE diva. I would say there was a 33% chance of any of those options.
Viscera: You are indeed fabulous, mama. I saw you on TV recently and I noticed you had two new additions to your body …
NY: [Laughs.] I think it’s a working plan.
Viscera: I just wanted to say it’s just more New York to love and it’s a good thing.
By “two new additions”, you might think that Viscera is referring to a pair of big fake tits. Yes, she does have those, but in this case, he is referring to something else: the buffet bar added to her abdominal area, and the Orange Fanta and ice dispenser installed in her taint.
NY: It is a good thing. I’m having fun with the new additions. You know they’re looking really good right now. I’m filling out my tops in a new way, and I’m loving it. Those are the girls.
Allow me to expand on this metaphor. If tits are “girls”, Viscera’s abnormally sized man-tits are the entire audience of “Sex and the City”.
Viscera: So tell me about this little Chihuahua you have, and this palace you have the men building for her. How does it go?
NY: Yes, her name is Your Majesty and she’s my daughter. She told me one day, “Mommy, I want my own place.” I’m like, you know what, I’m going to make these guys build you a place. So I said, listen you guys look y’all come up with a design, let me see what you got, let me see your creative side. I wanted to see how strong these guys were who could measure and drill and do all that good stuff. They made the house. She picked what house she wanted. … It was cool.
(Artist’s rendering: the inside of my mind
while reading this interview.)
This is a frightening paragraph, Lovecraftian in its ability to cause abject madness in the mind of any poor soul unfortunate enough to absorb it. But it is my job to plow through these things and boil them down for you, the reader.
So, from what I can gather, I… think… New York had sex with a dog. After nine months of gestation, a hideous half-human half-puppy hybrid sprung forth from her well-traveled vagina. … ::wipes brow::… And… following instructions from her interspecies offspring… *cough*… um… she… hired a team of contractors to build a house to her dog-daughter’s specifications… ::shivers uncontrollably:: zoobity boobity, ohh, look at that shiny object over there… must kill… ARRRRRGGGHHHHFASTYTYTYD$^AS76e5 2
Viscera: So at this point, are we down to the [final] Lucky Seven [contestants on I Love New York] yet?
NY: We are down to the Lucky Number Seven. And I’m so excited about it. When you tape the show like this, you kind of forget what you said and what you did. So, it’s cool for me to just kick back and watch the interactions with the guys. Myself, I can’t figure it out – I know the show comes on tonight – and if I’m not mistaken, there’s an interesting episode called “A.A.” And I’m just happy to see what is going to happen because you know I forgot. [Laughs.]
Now, I know what the astute readers of Double Ax Handle are thinking. “She doesn’t know what’s going to happen on her own stupid-ass show? What is she, on fucking crack?”
But, a word of caution. Before you criticize the star of a show for not knowing what her own show is about, I should inform you that this is commonplace in Hollywood. It is kind of like the recording process of a Jennifer Lopez album. She just blows into the studio one day, and yodels into a microphone for a couple of hours. Then, three months later, after all the technicians get through pounding away at it, she gets to listen to what her album sounds like!
Viscera: I just want to say personally that none of these guys are worthy of you.
NY: I’m going to have to come meet you.
Viscera: You need to drop those chicken dinners and get with a winner.
NY: Oh, boy, yeah! [Laughs.]
“But seriously, when you come meet me, don’t drop any food. That was just an expression. You can totally bring food if you want. And yeah, don’t drop any.”
Viscera: So is there anything you want to say to all our great WWE fans out there that I’m sure love you as much as I do?
NY: I just want to say thanks to all the wonderful WWE fans. It’s a pleasure to be on the Web site and give all my little point of views on the show and everything. Most of all, if you love New York, I love you back. If you hate me, I love you anyway. Thanks WWE!
Viscera: I think the people that claim they hate you love you the most, baby.
NY: That’s crazy because it’s the ones that claim they hate me are the ones that can tell me my every move – from the hat I have on to the way I twist my hair.
Viscera: Exactly. Those are the ones that won’t miss an episode.
Above: Not Seinfeld.
That is true. Even though I do hate her, I can name every second of every show. Like remember that time on “I Love New York” when she wanted to order soup from that guy but he had all these terrible rules for her to… oh wait, that was Seinfeld.
Let’s see how about that time she discovered that underground hatch and found a…. LOST? OK, my bad.
OK, I guess Viscera is wrong — I don’t remember a single second of her shitty show. It is exactly identical to the other 83 reality shows featuring horrendously untalented people on television. So I guess that means I am not really that jealous of her. I probably just hate her because of her unavoidably constant obnoxious appearances on every channel at every hour of every day and all over the Internet. So in order to reminisce about her show I will have to make something up. Hey, remember that time in Episode 7 of season 2 when she carried on like a retard and punched and kicked some girl trying to pull her weave out? Yeah, that was totally memorable.
Fine, maybe that wasn’t 100% accurate but come on, the host of the show doesn’t even know what she filmed. I bet you I’m somewhere in the ballpark.
Viscera: It was definitely nice talking to you. You are a gorgeous woman, and I wish you all the success in the world.
NY: Thank you. It was great talking to you. I feel like we’re old friends already.
Viscera: Absolutely. Hopefully, one day we’ll meet each other.
Um… technical question here. Are they not doing this in the same room? I only have the transcript of these, but the few I have seen on video, they are both sitting on stools together.
It would be really funny if she had no idea who Viscera was, and spent the whole interview flirting with him, and finds out later that his tits are bigger than her head. I would love to see that reaction caught on camera.
One final, mind-bending line before we conclude this episode of “Slam Your Head Against the Wall with the WWE”:
Viscera: Oh and guess what, I’m a breast man, too.
There are so many good jokes to put in here that I will leave it up to the reader to insert them here.