Christmas Eve. The day people all over the world meet with relatives they can’t stand, to exchange shitty gifts nobody wants that will be returned over the next week, drink a slimy, alcoholic cum-like beverage, fuck each other’s wives, and get into drunken fistfights about politics.
But this year, Christmas Eve falls on a Monday, the same night as the flagship show of WWE programming. So meeting with the obnoxious shitheads in your family is only the second least entertaining thing in the world to do on this night! That means that no matter how bad your Christmas was, you can take heart in knowing that mine was worse because I was watching RAW. For you.
This year I get a double shot of suckitude, because the WWE is doing their annual
two hour ad for the US Department of Defense show for the troops from Iraq. This has become a staple of WWE programming because it is a natural for the demographic: the only people left in America who are stupid enough to still support Bush and the war are WWE fans. I will run down the events for as long as I can keep from slitting my wrists from pseudo-patriotism.
- Chris Jericho carries Randy Orton through a boring but not terrible match. It is not announced whether this is for the title, but, I guess it doesn’t matter because everyone knows that what happens in Iraq does not happen in the “real” WWE. Kind of like when the WWE blew off all the heat from the invincibility of the Master Lock by letting an army guy who weighed about 90 pounds to break it, then ignoring that fact on all their shows later (“Lashley is the only man ever to break the Master Lock!!”). The WWE adopted this rule from the Bush Administration, who have been trying to get people to completely disregard things that happen in Iraq for 4 years.
JBL comes out to the ring at the most climactic part of the match, while Randy Orton is in Jericho’s finishing maneuver, to bore the shit out of everyone in the audience by talking, as he used to do on MSNBC before being fired for being a Nazi. Jericho falls asleep immediately, as anyone would under the circumstances, and JBL enters the ring unimpeded, for a DQ. Then Randy Orton’s music starts playing as Chris Jericho is announced as the winner.
Since this was a bizarre and inexplicable clusterfuck, and since WWE is usually good at production despite sucking at everything else, I can only assume that the WWE allowed the Bush administration to book this match and operate the PA and music, in a show of solidarity.
- Rey Misterio, Jr. thanks the troops for protecting our rights by fighting in Iraq. I agree with him, especially in light of the recently recovered documents which show that in 2003, Saddam Hussein was poised to invade the US with his WMD and powerful army, symbolically burning the Constitution on television and imposing martial law. Thank you troops for preventing this national nightmare! Now the Constitutional rights of Americans will never be in danger.
- I am glad Jeff Hardy is getting a push but I wonder why it is necessary to give him a ridiculous Ultimate Warrior face. “Well, we have to push this guy because 73% of the roster is suspended or injured. But can we at least make SOMETHING suck about him?”
- We interrupt this divas non-wrestling match to bring you a non-wrestling interview. Vince McMahon, who still believes Santa is real, interrupts the half-naked women rolling around in the ring by talking into a microphone. He is booed by the Army men who want to look at half-naked women, but this doesn’t make a lot of sense. It doesn’t make sense because the women they want to look at lustfully are still in the ring being half-naked and very easy to still look at. In fact now that Vince has interrupted the “match”, you have a much clearer look at their breasts and ass-cheeks, because they aren’t rolling around in the ring pretending to wrestle by grabbing each other’s hair; in fact they are just kind of standing still. It should be much easier to get a mental snapshot for later masturbatory purposes now that they aren’t performing badly executed, vertebrae-crunching suplexes on each other.
- Santa comes into the ring to interrupt Vince interrupting the divas match, which in turn interrupted the real purpose of this show, which is to show promo video packages supporting the US invasion of Iraq. In a larger sense, the entire show is an interruption of the normal flow of good taste in the universe.
Santa turns out to be John Cena! It takes Vince a few minutes, but he figures out that John Cena is not the real Santa. WWE, you can’t fool me. John Cena isn’t Santa Claus. Santa Claus can make it around the world delivering presents in 24 hours! John Cena can barely move around the ring without tripping over his own two clumsy ass feet.
- Interviews with troops saying that things are improving — you see, Iraqis aren’t ungrateful assholes anymore, like they were back in 2005. Nowadays, they really appreciate the US blowing the shit out of the country, removing the electricity and clean water, installing a repressive theocratic puppet regime, and killing hundreds of thousands of their citizens! And they can tell this, because when they drive around Iraq, little kids run up to their vehicles and almost get crushed by the ramps. No, I’m not making this shit up, someone really said it on television.
In light of this, I feel the WWE should host the next show for the troops outside the green zone, in the middle of Iraq without thousands of military around armed with guns and bombs. Why not?! It’s perfectly safe in Iraq, Vince McMahon said, and all the Iraqis love Americans! No bombs will go off and there wont be any beheadings or kidnappings. Little kids will run up and ask for autographs.
ABOVE: “Troops to Jericho: SAVE US!”
- Oh my. Chris Jericho comes out in favor of the war. Basically, I just learned from him that we had to invade Iraq because Saddam Hussein executed people for losing a soccer game. Good thing that nobody gets executed in Iraq now. Thanks to the war!! So since Saddam is dead, and everyone is safe, can we go home now?
Jokes aside, I know this is just fluff but I always liked Jericho and he usually adds some intellect to a doofy WWE show aimed at 8-year olds. Sorry to see him eagerly participating in this brainless bullshit.
- Rey Misterio is the “biggest underdog in WWE history.” Debatable, but I would have to go with fatass jobber Rusty Brooks vs. Hulk Hogan from Wrestling Challenge. Rey beats the fattest favorite in WWE history, Mark Henry.
- WWE Magazine presents John Cena reading off a teleprompter talking about powerful Army equipment, as if he is not a big dumb shithead pretending to be a military insider. Sgt. Cena informs us that they are in the middle of a very dangerous area, even though Iraq is perfectly safe from soccer-team executions, as I learned in the last segment from Chris Jericho.
He introduces a 22-year old serving his second tour of duty. What they did not mention is that his second tour of duty was made necessary because of all-time low recruiting levels for the US Armed Forces. This is partly because John Cena, of prime military fighting age and in excellent physical shape, is too much of a pussy to go to a recruiting station and sign up to fight in this all-important War for The Existence of Civilization Which Protects Our Freedoms from evil soccer-team-executing dictators. Come on John! Walk the walk! Pick up the rifle, Marine Boy!
ABOVE: “If you’re not down with genocide, we got two words for ya!”
- Shawn Michaels thinks the liberal media is not down with the troops and is causing the US to lose the war. <mark>BOOOOOOO LIBERAL MEDIA!!</mark> Tomorrow, on CNN, Democratic presidential candidates will debate to see who is the most down with the troops and which ones, by default, can suck it.
Of course Shawn Michaels, brainwashed Christianist husband of a Jesus-freak Nitro Girl that he is, also goes on the 700 Club, owned and operated by the guy who thinks homos, liberals and the ACLU pissed God off and caused 9/11. So, his views on the war are not exactly a big shock.
- In this match, the team representing wholesome American values will be Degeneration X. The evil anti-US terrorists who want to destroy our freedoms will be represented by Umaga, the noted Arab terrorist from Samoa, and Ken Kennedy, from Green Bay, Wisconsin. As you well know, Green Bay is only 20 miles from Milwaukee, which once had a socialist mayor. (“BOOOOOO!!”) And Wisconsin is entirely too close to Communist Canada with their national health care to be trusted. I think that tells you all you need to know about Mr. Kennedy, the most anti-American wrestler since Yokozuna, born and raised in the foreign land of Hawaii. So the side of Evil is represented well.
The match got a little tense. A few times during this match there were some near falls on DX, and we as a nation came perilously close to losing our freedoms. However in the end, Kennedy jobbed, the US prevailed. Our freedoms are once again safe. Crotch chops for the USA!
- One final montage with sappy pseudo-rock played over images of the troops mingling with wrestlers and having fun. Horrible bands like the Goo Goo Dolls and Creed were used over a montage for the 1,736,849,028,991th time in WWE history. A good time was had by all.
But then the swerve! The wrestlers get to go home, while the troops had to stay in the desert dodging roadside bombs for an undetermined length of time, only to come home to poor health care and veterans’ benefits cuts by Bush administration! Major Dusty-finish.