KEYWORD: Frightening

To keep you busy while you anxiously await the return of DxH blog posts, here are some of the amusing/scary keywords that have brought people to Double Ax Handle.

A lot of them — probably a majority — are generic and diva-themed, as in, guys looking for naked pics of WWE female wrestlers. Example: “christy hemme tits”. But then you get stuff like:

beth phoenix and santion marella sex. com

Which makes me think of an imaginary Santino Marella talking inside my head.

“Beth-a Feenix, iffa dere is one-a thing Santion Marella do not a-like, it is people searching for our-a naked bodies ona da Innernets! And for dat a-matter, not a-knowing how to enter de search-a terms into da Google!! Santion Marella absolutely a-hate when people a-search for a specifico URL for a webba-site by entering it-a into da search-a box! Now put-a some clothes on, Beth-a Feenix, and make-a Santion Marella a sangwich!”

beth phoenix fart

Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that for some reason you are immensely turned on by seeing female wrestlers fart. Let’s further stipulate, again for argument’s sake, that you are specifically hot for seeing Beth Phoenix, the Glamazon, rip one off into the ozone. (That’s fine, I have no quarrel with you if colon-vapor makes your dials spin.)

My question is this: how would you even know if you found it? You certainly can’t hear the farts come over the mic with all the other ambient ring noise and announcers yelling. Are people zooming in on match footage to see cheek ripples? Are they looking for WWE-themed fan fiction of women wrestlers farting? If one of our many fart-fetishist readers can answer in comments it would be much appreciated.

By the way, before anyone points this out, I know that I just invited about a hundred more fart-related searches. Sue me.

why beth phoenix doesn’t get many reactions from the crowd

Good question. I’m not 100% sure, but it could be because she keeps queefing in the ring while fucking Santino Marella all the time.

By the way, we now have an iron-clad excuse to create a queef tag to go with the much-reviled taint tag.

the great depression john cena

Something tells me that this was a search related to John Cena’s WrestleMania 22 entrance that had a Chicago Depression-Era gangster theme.

But, that said, I am still going to go ahead and believe my original thought. My original thought was that someone was desperately searching online to find some way, any way to cope with the massive mental anguish caused by watching John Cena matches. It’s just more fun and also helps the universe make more sense. And I can only hope that our site helps others cope with this real and debilitating disease in some small way.

hulk hogan sexual message

Hey Blogger Brody! I bet you never thought you were creating a whole fetish sub-community when you wrote the title of this post.

mae young boobs

The sad part is not that someone went to their computer, entered that search string, and anticipated a result. The sad part is that whoever entered that search string, they came to our site, and found it.

photos of an ax

Why? I have no idea. But, this is DxH where the fans come first. Ask, and ye shall receive.

nipple hall of fame

I was not aware that there was a Nipple Hall of Fame. But, if there isn’t one, there should be, and Big Daddy V should be the first inductee.

vince mcmahon gay
vince mcmahon gay?
why does vince mcmahon love john cena

A rare instance where the third search string asks a question answered by the previous two search strings.

vince mcmahon incapacitated

Presumably from the crippling weight of his unrequited love for John Cena.

john sena wrestling moments

You won’t find any of those here, searcher. Nor, for that matter, anywhere on the internet. You might as well search for Great Khali’s famous series of university commencement addresses, or MVP’s treatise on modern paleontology.  “John [C]ena” and “wrestling moments” are two things that just don’t go together.

howdoes jeff hardy feel sad in the inside?

Next month, on WWE: The Music Vol. LXVIII, “Jeff Hardy Feels Sad (On the Inside)” by My Chemical Romance.

senior-citizens fucking hart

I’m going to hope that this is an unfortunate typo for “fucking HARD” which led the searcher to our site. Which, in and of itself is frightening enough, but it’s infinitely more palatable than imagining a seamy underworld of people who actively seek out Bret Hart/Mae Young/Fabulous Moolah three-some porn.


Above: “Whaaaat? Come on, they baked me cookies.”

chris jericho jesus

Hi Chris.  Welcome to DxH, have a look around.

And finally. The number one search bringing people to DxH, to this day, is:

john cena sucks

And we wouldn’t have it any other way.

4 Comments

  • [...] If somebody were to just stumble onto our front page for the first time, after searching for “pictures of axs” or “senior-citizens fucking hart”, they might think this is a GAY wrestling blog, and while we have nothing against the gays (boo, [...]

    • Jarum says:

      One of my favorite takes on spotrs fans is from writer and satirist, Joe Queenan, from Philadelphia. Joe states the fundamental fact about fans. It’s a municipal rather than a mythological connection. Sporting events always require a Cultural, Tribal or Municipal connotation. “… where you grew up, who dad rooted for, how many times the team has broken your heart …“. This is why a fans connection to the team is deeper than the players. Players are simply mercenaries who can be traded at the snap of a finger. No matter how hard players train eventually there magnificent physiques will succumb to the ravages of time and they leave the sport as old men in there middle 30’s. Fans on the other hand can live on a diet of cheese doodles, ball park hot dogs and room temperature beer for years. They never quit and of course a true fan never gets traded. The only way for the true believers to exit the stadium is permanently. As Joe Queenan points out spotrs is the complete package: Iconography, mythology, choreography, theology, and ethnography. (excerpt from TI-Tribal Imperative)

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