The Good, The Rad and the Fugly

Above: Rad (l.), Awesome (r.)

Hey everyone, look! It’s a new installment of WWE Superstar to Superstar. For you new readers, unfamiliar with this feature, imagine the following: it is something like “Inside the Actors’ Studio”, except if the celebrities were no one you cared about and the interviewer was a dumb dopey wrestler.

In this installment, our dumb dopey wrestler is Ashley, who is interviewing a mascara-wearing douchebag singer (“wiL”) in a band (“Aiden”) who she, like, totally, like knows and like recorded her awesome new theme song!

Ashley: wiL?
Oh my God!
Ashley: How weird is this?
wiL: So weird!
Ashley: How crazy! When I found out you guys were recording my theme song, I was like, Aiden! Aiden! … No way! How are you?
wiL: You were like, wait a minute, don’t I know those guys?!
Ashley: Yeah, I’m pretty sure that I know them. (laughs)
Yo, did you hear the song?
Ashley: “Let’s Light a Fire Tonight”?
wiL: Yeah.
Ashley: It’s awesome!
wiL: It’s so awesome!

abovE: fightinG thE oppressivE
rulE oF punctuationaL fascisM.

“It’s so awesome how I ran into the singer of some douchey band once, who capitalizes the LAST letter of his name because he is a rebel, and it’s like, a statement about not doing things the way the MAN tells, you, MAN! And I annoyed Vince McMahon for about 2 years to let him record my theme song, and finally he said, ‘I would suggest that no one cares what music is playing when you dumb broads come out to the ring anyway as long as you’re half-nekkid. I’ll greenlight whatever you want if you go get me a beer.’ AWWWEsome!”

So, WWE Diva… which one are you again? Ashley, right… back to the interview. How do YOU feel about this song? Excited? Or awesome? Please choose one.

Ashley: I am so excited. This is the best thing that ever happened!

Nice question, interviewer! You’re awesome!

wiL: Yeah, dude, I’m stoked.
That is so rad. I’m so excited, that’s awesome.

Yes, you mentioned that you were so excited, a moment ago. Awesome!

Ashley: So why do you think it’s a good fit for me?
wiL: Well it’s a good fit for you, because it rocks.

And you rock, because you’re awesome!

So wait, is this eye-makeupped, whiny douchebag ACTUALLY touting his own shitty song? Let’s try to imagine what Bobby Heenan would say in this situation. To do this, we will activate the Bobby Heenan Quote Generating Algorithm. And fire away:

“I’d rather listen to the drill while sitting in my dentist’s chair.
It has a good beat and you can dance to it!”

Thanks Bobby Machine. Seriously, “wiL” is a living, breathing example of why you can correlate the departure of Bobby Heenan with the super suckitude of WWE. Sure, there were always ridiculous, self-important douchebags around in the old WWF, but you had Bobby Heenan there to ridicule them. Now, everyone on the payroll has to wax poetic about how AWESOME the latest identical emo band is that comes down the pipe to perform the official song of the latest identical PPV, including (not that it’s his fault) poor JR. Bobby Heenan wouldn’t tolerate that shit.

We miss you, Brain.

wiL: It’s going to rock the house when you turn off all the lights and come out to it.

“Too bad we can’t play your awesome song during my actual shitty match when the crowd is perfectly silent! That would be RAD! And give them something do do other than stare at their own navels in silence, or buy yet more popcorn! AWESOME!”

Ashley: It’s going to be awesome. I can’t wait. I can’t wait for the Vol. 8 album to come out!

“But at least, while I wait, I can consume some of these other products associated with WWE: Castrol! Radical! Skittles! Fruity, delicious, fruity, fruity and AWESOME! Snickers! Totally, totally bitchin! And the latest film targeted to the 18-25 demographic! Uber-coolness!”

wiL: I don’t know of any theme song that rocks harder than “Let’s Light a Fire Tonight.”

Let’s see. Well for starters there’s “Real American.” No matter what you think of Hulk Hogan, that was pretty cool. The nWo music rocked. The Big Bossman song had that nice Lynyrd Skynyrd-country rock thing happening. Then there was comedy ones like Ted DiBiase and HBK. And…

Huh. I just realized it would be easier to list all the ones that actually suck MORE than Ashley’s shitty music that leads her out to the ring to signal an upcoming shitty match. Let’s see, there’s… uh… well I was gonna say Great Khali, but they have that cool Indian thing in the beginning, so that’s pretty cool. And John Cena’s music sucks balls, but the intro isn’t so bad, and the beat is OK until he ruins it by rapping over it. This is harder than I thought.

OK WWE — you stumped me. I can’t think of one entrance music ever that is gayer or less memorable than this piece of shit by some band whose name I forgot already, for the wrestler named whatshername. It is the worst entrance music in history.

Ashley: Yes! Oh I can’t wait… Oh I’m so happy. Thank you so much for doing it.
wiL: Thank you for letting me. It’s awesome.

I have a few questions here. Does he mean his song is awesome? Or her letting him record the song is awesome? And not that I really care what the answers are, but just for the sake of structuring this thing somewhat like an interview, are we ever going to get an actual question and answer that doesn’t entail how awesome these two rejects are?

Oh, and does he really think she “let” him record the song? Can he possibly not know that she has absolutely nothing to do with the process — that she is just a live human product that WWE is promoting by sending her out to do poorly executed clotheslines in lingerie?

Oh, Bobby Heenan Quote-Generating Algorithm, what do you have to say about Ashley’s wrestling skills?

“Well, I would say that as a wrestler, she is a terrific lingerie model.”

Thanks Brain! And now we continue the awesomeness!

Fig. 1: Artist’s rendering of Ashley and wiL’s
circular vocabulary.

Ashley: So why will this song pump up our fans when I enter the area?
wiL: Because it rocks!

And why does it rock?! Because it’s AWESOME! And why is it awesome? Because it is RAD!! And why is it rad? Because it ROCKS!! And why does it rock? Because it will pump up the fans!!

Ashley: Heck yeah, it does. And how about what’s going on with the band lately? What’s next for you guys?
wiL: What’s next? Well we put out Conviction in 2007.
Ashley: I know, I liked “Teenage Queen” and there are so many. Aiden is my favorite band.
wiL: Oh rad! Awesome.

“Well, the band of the new guy I met in a different diner is a tad awesomer. But you’re still like totally radness n shit!”

Ashley: Awesome. So you going to hook me up with tickets or what?
wiL: Yeah, dude. Whatever you want, man.
Ashley: To Austin, you know I got to go.
wiL: Consider it done.
Ashley: Sweet.
wiL: Well if you want to bring anybody, I’ll put you on for you plus one or two or whatever you want.
Ashley: OK, cool. My brother might come.
wiL: Cool, I remember him.

Note to WWE: this is not an interview. This is called “making hangout plans”. This is a portion of the conversation that could have been had via text message, and not foisted upon the readers of I’m surprised they’re not discussing what restaurant to go to afterwards.

Ashley: Yeah, seriously guys, you do not want to miss this show, it’s awesome. I cannot believe that I’m doing an interview with you right now!

You aren’t. You are just talking about how cool things are. An interview implies some questions being asked and information being gleaned for the listening audience. Two self-absorbed dummies talking about how awesome they both are doesn’t quite qualify as an interview.

Bobby Heenan Quote-Generating Algorithm, how do you feel about Ashley’s interviewing?

“I guess she dropped her Journalism 101 textbook when she
was down by the docks with the 104th Fleet.”

That’s not very nice, Mr. Heenan. But funny!

Ashley: Like that’s crazy. Like I am through the roof, I am! I can’t believe it. That is so rad. Thanks man, I really, really appreciate that you’re doing it. I’m so stoked.

Status report: Like, still stoked, still rad. Awesomeness is likely.

Ashley: So I’ll be seeing you soon huh?
wiL: Yeah, like five days I think we’re there on tour, in Austin.

Better hope she doesn’t meet any other really sensitive emo singers between now and five days from now, kiddo! Or you might have an Ashley themed “why did you dump me” album coming out in late 2008.

Ashley: Five days, I’ll be there. … So everybody look out for Aiden’s new theme song for Ashley, “Let’s Light a Fire Tonight,” because I’m sure it’s going to kick you-know-what.
wiL: Kick some butt.

HE SAID IT! HE SAID BUTT!! WHAT A REBEL!!!!!! Someone get a muzzle on this guy pronto!

That concludes the AWESOMENESS portion of this blog. We now return you to regular English spoken by moderately intelligent adults.

heenan“Just in time, too… I got an early bird special at the Oriental buffet.
Monsoon’s paying.”

Maria Finally Makes It to the Big Time.

No, not ECW on Sci-Fi, starring in an angle against the great Big Daddy V. Don’t be silly. I am talking about a blog post on Go Fug Yourself (an awesome blog that does to lousy fashion what we do to shitty wrestling).

This “Maria” is allegedly a wrestler for the WWE, so I think I’m meant to be grateful that she’s wearing a tutu over her spandex onesie rather than, say, plastic hot pants.

Instead, I just want to ask if she’s come across any plutonium lately, and if so, whether I could borrow her skirt, ball it up, and feed it into the gas tank of my DeLorean.

Clearly she does not watch WWE programming or she would know that the plutonium skirt is by far the classiest thing seen on a WWE female wrestler, since ever. Onesies would be a step up from low-rise ass-crack tights on girls with no ass.

Chyna of course was the first male with a penis to appear nude in Playboy, to my knowledge. And her issue was the best selling issue of Playboy up to that time. But that kind of doesn’t count, because most WWE fans only bought the issue to see how much make up it would take to obscure her male genitalia, and if her CGI-ed and airbrushed vagina looked convincing.

Recently, chicken-legged Ashley, who is a woman with a real vagina, also posed, but she is certainly a far cry from Playboy material, and this is where the quality of the girls being sent over to Playboy saw a steep dropoff from earlier WWE employees like Candace Michelle and Torrie Wilson. Now Maria, I can’t say she is unattractive but I certainly think “run of the mill pretty” is an apt description. And of course, this doesn’t really factor into anything the WWE cares about, but she is SUCH a painfully bad actress that it grinds my teeth to watch her, even more than the other untrained, awful wrestlers on their diva roster. Maria is just like the ultimate extension of the one-dimensional, do-nothing, shitty-wrestling WWE diva.

The dynamics of WWE-Playboy interaction has always been funny to me. I mean, women on WWE shows are already, basically, posing for Playboy. They don’t really do anything, they don’t know how to wrestle and so do not have elaborate matches, they don’t have separate personalities, etc. There’s “good” WWE girls (the girls who are really sweet and nice but don’t mess with them or they’ll kick your ass!!) and “bad” WWE girls (the ones who are really mean and nasty and bitchy, and spiteful and jealous, and don’t mess with them or they’ll kick your ass!!) and either you’re one or the other, and all are clones of each other, and they always have interchangeable storylines.

That’s pretty much the extent of WWE character development — if you’re a white guy with a roided up body, they come up with stuff.  For every other demographic, they pretty much one template for you.  Samoans have hard heads.  Russians want to invade your country.  Black people are pimps who want to rob you.  And women all dress like sluts and have riot grrl personalities.  WWE diva matches are already like Playboy shoots with clothes on.

Speaking Out


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