Why, Matt Hardy? WHY?!

That is the question that is being asked by Hardy marks all around the internets.  At this past Sunday’s Royal Rumble, Matt Hardy turned on his brother, Jess Harvey, during a WWE title match with Edge. And people are taking it wayyyy too seriously.

Exhibit A: This picture/comment was taken off Matt Hardy’s myspace, and shows that people still believe that ITS STILL REAL TO ME DAMMIT;

Exhibit B: As a result of all the bickering and hilariously insane comments off that no good sonofabitch Matt Hardy’s myspace, a friend of mine made an animated video with an accumulation of the best and worst posts that were miraculously approved on V1′s site. That may be viewed here (thank you for your excessive free time, JohnnyBL).

Exhibit C: Finally, it all comes full circle. Remember when Owen Hart turned on Bret Hart at the 1994 Royal Rumble? Just imagine if we had social networking and blogs back then. People would have been murdered, yo. New Jack City styl’. With guns and shit. You know what I mean?

I’d like to remind everyone that wrestling is fixed. The storylines, the matches, the results are all a work. If you take it too seriously, you’re worse than a mark; you’re a certifiable retard. I know that I might be coming off as a bit harsh, but as a wrestling fan for, pretty much, my entire life.. I always had the presence of mind to know that it’s entertainment (well, sometimes it isn’t entertaining; thanks WWE!).

Grow up.

KEYWORD: Frightening

To keep you busy while you anxiously await the return of DxH blog posts, here are some of the amusing/scary keywords that have brought people to Double Ax Handle.

A lot of them — probably a majority — are generic and diva-themed, as in, guys looking for naked pics of WWE female wrestlers. Example: “christy hemme tits”. But then you get stuff like:

beth phoenix and santion marella sex. com

Which makes me think of an imaginary Santino Marella talking inside my head.

“Beth-a Feenix, iffa dere is one-a thing Santion Marella do not a-like, it is people searching for our-a naked bodies ona da Innernets! And for dat a-matter, not a-knowing how to enter de search-a terms into da Google!! Santion Marella absolutely a-hate when people a-search for a specifico URL for a webba-site by entering it-a into da search-a box! Now put-a some clothes on, Beth-a Feenix, and make-a Santion Marella a sangwich!”

beth phoenix fart

Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that for some reason you are immensely turned on by seeing female wrestlers fart. Let’s further stipulate, again for argument’s sake, that you are specifically hot for seeing Beth Phoenix, the Glamazon, rip one off into the ozone. (That’s fine, I have no quarrel with you if colon-vapor makes your dials spin.)

My question is this: how would you even know if you found it? You certainly can’t hear the farts come over the mic with all the other ambient ring noise and announcers yelling. Are people zooming in on match footage to see cheek ripples? Are they looking for WWE-themed fan fiction of women wrestlers farting? If one of our many fart-fetishist readers can answer in comments it would be much appreciated.

By the way, before anyone points this out, I know that I just invited about a hundred more fart-related searches. Sue me.

why beth phoenix doesn’t get many reactions from the crowd

Good question. I’m not 100% sure, but it could be because she keeps queefing in the ring while fucking Santino Marella all the time.

By the way, we now have an iron-clad excuse to create a queef tag to go with the much-reviled taint tag.

the great depression john cena

Something tells me that this was a search related to John Cena’s WrestleMania 22 entrance that had a Chicago Depression-Era gangster theme.

But, that said, I am still going to go ahead and believe my original thought. My original thought was that someone was desperately searching online to find some way, any way to cope with the massive mental anguish caused by watching John Cena matches. It’s just more fun and also helps the universe make more sense. And I can only hope that our site helps others cope with this real and debilitating disease in some small way.

hulk hogan sexual message

Hey Blogger Brody! I bet you never thought you were creating a whole fetish sub-community when you wrote the title of this post.

mae young boobs

The sad part is not that someone went to their computer, entered that search string, and anticipated a result. The sad part is that whoever entered that search string, they came to our site, and found it.

photos of an ax

Why? I have no idea. But, this is DxH where the fans come first. Ask, and ye shall receive.

nipple hall of fame

I was not aware that there was a Nipple Hall of Fame. But, if there isn’t one, there should be, and Big Daddy V should be the first inductee.

vince mcmahon gay
vince mcmahon gay?
why does vince mcmahon love john cena

A rare instance where the third search string asks a question answered by the previous two search strings.

vince mcmahon incapacitated

Presumably from the crippling weight of his unrequited love for John Cena.

john sena wrestling moments

You won’t find any of those here, searcher. Nor, for that matter, anywhere on the internet. You might as well search for Great Khali’s famous series of university commencement addresses, or MVP’s treatise on modern paleontology.  “John [C]ena” and “wrestling moments” are two things that just don’t go together.

howdoes jeff hardy feel sad in the inside?

Next month, on WWE: The Music Vol. LXVIII, “Jeff Hardy Feels Sad (On the Inside)” by My Chemical Romance.

senior-citizens fucking hart

I’m going to hope that this is an unfortunate typo for “fucking HARD” which led the searcher to our site. Which, in and of itself is frightening enough, but it’s infinitely more palatable than imagining a seamy underworld of people who actively seek out Bret Hart/Mae Young/Fabulous Moolah three-some porn.


Above: “Whaaaat? Come on, they baked me cookies.”

chris jericho jesus

Hi Chris.  Welcome to DxH, have a look around.

And finally. The number one search bringing people to DxH, to this day, is:

john cena sucks

And we wouldn’t have it any other way.

LOLWrestlers VI — LOLfire and Brimstone

lolhhh

lolv

lolketchup

lolyokozuna

lolkamala2

lolpiper

Flashback: Steroid Were Definitely NOT Used 10 Years Ago

YouTube has been absolutely tits lately, providing me with more nostalgia than WWE 24/7 has all year. I stumbled upon this gem of a piece that ESPN was doing about pro wrestling called Pro Wrestling’s Hold on America approximately 10 years ago (definitely after Bret Hart jumped ship, as he is shown interviewed in front of a WCW backdrop).

The first part of it focuses more on, at the time, WWF’s new edgy approach showing a virtual best of worst of Raw with the infamous “choppy choppy your pee-pee”, Sexual Chocolate and Sammy, dX giving the crotch chop and then showing redneck kids reacting to it. But then the topic shifted onto drug abuse, and provided these four minutes of magic.

YouTube Preview Image

A few things stand out. First, Buff Bagwell and Scott Stiener don’t do steroids. Oh, and Santa Clause is real. Secondly, Eric Bischoff was serious about drug testing in his company. He called it a “public relations” move and when asked what percentage of wrestlers have failed drug tests in the last 3 years, the look on his face was like asking one of the Bushwhackers to explain the Pythagorean theory to you. Some good looks back at how great pro wrestling was and how the media was just starting to pay attention again. Its especially chilling watching them discuss how many wrestlers died young, and just how many more died since then. Watch the entire 10 parter after the jump (First few parts focus on kids watching, but 4-7 focuses on the steroid use)… Read the rest of this entry »


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