Maria Finally Makes It to the Big Time.

No, not ECW on Sci-Fi, starring in an angle against the great Big Daddy V. Don’t be silly. I am talking about a blog post on Go Fug Yourself (an awesome blog that does to lousy fashion what we do to shitty wrestling).

This “Maria” is allegedly a wrestler for the WWE, so I think I’m meant to be grateful that she’s wearing a tutu over her spandex onesie rather than, say, plastic hot pants.

Instead, I just want to ask if she’s come across any plutonium lately, and if so, whether I could borrow her skirt, ball it up, and feed it into the gas tank of my DeLorean.

Clearly she does not watch WWE programming or she would know that the plutonium skirt is by far the classiest thing seen on a WWE female wrestler, since ever. Onesies would be a step up from low-rise ass-crack tights on girls with no ass.

Chyna of course was the first male with a penis to appear nude in Playboy, to my knowledge. And her issue was the best selling issue of Playboy up to that time. But that kind of doesn’t count, because most WWE fans only bought the issue to see how much make up it would take to obscure her male genitalia, and if her CGI-ed and airbrushed vagina looked convincing.

Recently, chicken-legged Ashley, who is a woman with a real vagina, also posed, but she is certainly a far cry from Playboy material, and this is where the quality of the girls being sent over to Playboy saw a steep dropoff from earlier WWE employees like Candace Michelle and Torrie Wilson. Now Maria, I can’t say she is unattractive but I certainly think “run of the mill pretty” is an apt description. And of course, this doesn’t really factor into anything the WWE cares about, but she is SUCH a painfully bad actress that it grinds my teeth to watch her, even more than the other untrained, awful wrestlers on their diva roster. Maria is just like the ultimate extension of the one-dimensional, do-nothing, shitty-wrestling WWE diva.

The dynamics of WWE-Playboy interaction has always been funny to me. I mean, women on WWE shows are already, basically, posing for Playboy. They don’t really do anything, they don’t know how to wrestle and so do not have elaborate matches, they don’t have separate personalities, etc. There’s “good” WWE girls (the girls who are really sweet and nice but don’t mess with them or they’ll kick your ass!!) and “bad” WWE girls (the ones who are really mean and nasty and bitchy, and spiteful and jealous, and don’t mess with them or they’ll kick your ass!!) and either you’re one or the other, and all are clones of each other, and they always have interchangeable storylines.

That’s pretty much the extent of WWE character development — if you’re a white guy with a roided up body, they come up with stuff.  For every other demographic, they pretty much one template for you.  Samoans have hard heads.  Russians want to invade your country.  Black people are pimps who want to rob you.  And women all dress like sluts and have riot grrl personalities.  WWE diva matches are already like Playboy shoots with clothes on.

RAW… Is… Back-ne

flairboob

(ABOVE: Fig. 1, Carlito recoils in disgust at Flair’s bosom. Inset, FlairBoob in HD.)

The PW Torch reports (subscription required) that Smackdown and RAW are going to be going to HD starting early next year.

Ric Flair’s retirement could not be more perfectly timed for this announcement. I love the Naytch as much as the next guy, but the thought of his radioactive orange-tanned man-boobs jiggling with super-pixelization does not make me tingle with anticipation. And extended closeups of the squirmy veins in his forehead are bad enough in low-definition.

Some other people who might want to consider a graceful retirement before the new wave of technology sweeps over the WWE:

puppies
Mae Young

hacksaw
Hacksaw Jim Duggan

bigdaddyv1
Big Daddy V., formerly Mabel


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