KEYWORD: Frightening

To keep you busy while you anxiously await the return of DxH blog posts, here are some of the amusing/scary keywords that have brought people to Double Ax Handle.

A lot of them — probably a majority — are generic and diva-themed, as in, guys looking for naked pics of WWE female wrestlers. Example: “christy hemme tits”. But then you get stuff like:

beth phoenix and santion marella sex. com

Which makes me think of an imaginary Santino Marella talking inside my head.

“Beth-a Feenix, iffa dere is one-a thing Santion Marella do not a-like, it is people searching for our-a naked bodies ona da Innernets! And for dat a-matter, not a-knowing how to enter de search-a terms into da Google!! Santion Marella absolutely a-hate when people a-search for a specifico URL for a webba-site by entering it-a into da search-a box! Now put-a some clothes on, Beth-a Feenix, and make-a Santion Marella a sangwich!”

beth phoenix fart

Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that for some reason you are immensely turned on by seeing female wrestlers fart. Let’s further stipulate, again for argument’s sake, that you are specifically hot for seeing Beth Phoenix, the Glamazon, rip one off into the ozone. (That’s fine, I have no quarrel with you if colon-vapor makes your dials spin.)

My question is this: how would you even know if you found it? You certainly can’t hear the farts come over the mic with all the other ambient ring noise and announcers yelling. Are people zooming in on match footage to see cheek ripples? Are they looking for WWE-themed fan fiction of women wrestlers farting? If one of our many fart-fetishist readers can answer in comments it would be much appreciated.

By the way, before anyone points this out, I know that I just invited about a hundred more fart-related searches. Sue me.

why beth phoenix doesn’t get many reactions from the crowd

Good question. I’m not 100% sure, but it could be because she keeps queefing in the ring while fucking Santino Marella all the time.

By the way, we now have an iron-clad excuse to create a queef tag to go with the much-reviled taint tag.

the great depression john cena

Something tells me that this was a search related to John Cena’s WrestleMania 22 entrance that had a Chicago Depression-Era gangster theme.

But, that said, I am still going to go ahead and believe my original thought. My original thought was that someone was desperately searching online to find some way, any way to cope with the massive mental anguish caused by watching John Cena matches. It’s just more fun and also helps the universe make more sense. And I can only hope that our site helps others cope with this real and debilitating disease in some small way.

hulk hogan sexual message

Hey Blogger Brody! I bet you never thought you were creating a whole fetish sub-community when you wrote the title of this post.

mae young boobs

The sad part is not that someone went to their computer, entered that search string, and anticipated a result. The sad part is that whoever entered that search string, they came to our site, and found it.

photos of an ax

Why? I have no idea. But, this is DxH where the fans come first. Ask, and ye shall receive.

nipple hall of fame

I was not aware that there was a Nipple Hall of Fame. But, if there isn’t one, there should be, and Big Daddy V should be the first inductee.

vince mcmahon gay
vince mcmahon gay?
why does vince mcmahon love john cena

A rare instance where the third search string asks a question answered by the previous two search strings.

vince mcmahon incapacitated

Presumably from the crippling weight of his unrequited love for John Cena.

john sena wrestling moments

You won’t find any of those here, searcher. Nor, for that matter, anywhere on the internet. You might as well search for Great Khali’s famous series of university commencement addresses, or MVP’s treatise on modern paleontology.  “John [C]ena” and “wrestling moments” are two things that just don’t go together.

howdoes jeff hardy feel sad in the inside?

Next month, on WWE: The Music Vol. LXVIII, “Jeff Hardy Feels Sad (On the Inside)” by My Chemical Romance.

senior-citizens fucking hart

I’m going to hope that this is an unfortunate typo for “fucking HARD” which led the searcher to our site. Which, in and of itself is frightening enough, but it’s infinitely more palatable than imagining a seamy underworld of people who actively seek out Bret Hart/Mae Young/Fabulous Moolah three-some porn.


Above: “Whaaaat? Come on, they baked me cookies.”

chris jericho jesus

Hi Chris.  Welcome to DxH, have a look around.

And finally. The number one search bringing people to DxH, to this day, is:

john cena sucks

And we wouldn’t have it any other way.

Vince McMahon admits John Cena sucks!

You read the headline correct wrestling fans. Vince McMahon practically admits John Cena blows fucking chunks as a wrestler. Variety recently ran an article on the WWE Films division and it was mostly a fluff piece talking about how amazing they are doing, and how they are going to branch out and try to do comedies based on the success of The Game Plan for Dwayne Johnson (who my sources tell me wrestled at one point under “The Rock” moniker), but then Vince McMahon was quoted with the following:

“First and foremost, they’re performers and some of them secondarily are athletes,” McMahon says.”

Some of them are great atheletes! Ergo, John Cena sucks! And, the Great Khali really sucks! And, Vince McMahon doesn’t care, see…

“You have to reinvent yourself over and over,” McMahon says.

Editor’s Note: Our sources inside the WWE confirm that Vince McMahon confuses the words reinvent and recycle and nobody wants to correct him out of fear of getting fired.

“We’ve always have the creative ability to do that. You change with the times. Our audience is a very active and vocal focus group. They vote with their wallets. If they don’t like what they’re being presented, they don’t come. You have to judge their reactions.”

Oh, I get it. They realize their writing is so repetitive and mildly-retarded, that the only people who would be willing to actually pay for it are dumb little kids or young girls (and I’m sure a good chunk of older guys) who think Jeff Hardy is so dreamy. It’s clear that I don’t know what I want, Vince knows what I want. Vince knows I love matches that never get out of 2nd gear and the reverse chin lock is the greatest move in the world. Thanks, Vince. Here’s the login to my bank account…


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