Viscera Loves New York* (*smothered with a honey glaze and cooked at 350 degrees until a golden brown, with a side of potatoes au gratin)


(Above: The human race, circa 2008.)

It’s high time we checked in with WWE Superstar-to-Superstar, the feature that involves usually marginal celebrities shamelessly promoting their products, by agreeing to be interviewed by lowly WWE personnel.

You might think that such an assignment might go to someone like JR, who is a trained and skilled broadcaster and interviewer with decades of experience; or, failing that, perhaps someone like Michael Cole, who, though far from interesting or talented, at least can speak English fluently, and really has nothing better to do in between Smackdown tapings (Tuesdays) and playing World of Warcraft (Wednesdays through Sundays).

Unfortunately, rather than send an interviewer to interview people, WWE chooses to send their dumbass wrestlers — people who are, with a few exceptions, really bad at public speaking. Terrible for creating informative interviews, but great for this blog! Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: WWE icon Big Daddy V (still known as “Viscera” when this interview took place) interviewing “New York”, who is famous for being rejected twice on national television by former crackhead Flavor Flav. Yes, WWE has decided to pair up a man who is famous for looking and acting ridiculous, with a woman who is famous for looking and acting ridiculous. When archaeologists unearth the ruins of our society in a few thousand years, they may in fact pinpoint this interview as the exact point in history where our embarrassing culture was finally snuffed out. Let the latest abortion unfold!

In the latest installment of WWE.com’s Superstar to Superstar, The World’s Largest Love Machine, Viscera, takes a few minutes to have a rendezvous with I Love New York star – and Flavor Flav’s most famous castoff – Tiffany “New York” Pollard. What happens when two people with an insatiable appetite for love get together during the most romantic time of the year?

WWE, let’s set some ground rules here. If you’re going to ridicule your own wrestlers in your own piece, then I don’t have to bother with this at all. So at least try to make the cutdowns funny! Saying a big fat guy has an “insatiable appetite for love” — I guess that’s going in the right direction, but it needs some work. If you want to mix sex and fatness/food imagery, how about “uncontrollable sexual lust for fried mozzarella sticks”? Or maybe “a gigantic distended belly and huge droopy man-tits full of passion”.

Moving on, let’s see if we can spot a theme developing.


“Oh shit, they’re talking about babies again.
I need to learn to run before I get eaten.”

Viscera: Word up, New York, baby, how’re you doing?
NY: I’m doing good, baby. So good to finally talk to you.
Viscera: Yeah, baby. So glad things are going real well for you.
NY: Yes, they are.

::blows whistle::

There is a flag on the play. New York forgot to say “Yes, they are, baby“. 10 points to Viscera. First down!

Viscera: How does it feel to have such a successful show? After being on Flavor of Love, to be on top of the world?
NY
: It feels wonderful. I’m having the time of my life – it’s such a shock, surprise ending. I mean, who would have thought I’d have my own show and all, especially after the way Flav left me. It’s like a dream come true. It was negative, and now it’s a positive, and it’s just glorious living in the moment.

Who would have thought you would have your own show? On the contrary, I think it was a foregone conclusion! Let’s see what your qualifications are for having a ridiculous reality show.

1. You’re loud and obnoxious.
2. You’re really stupid.
3. You’re willing and eager to humiliate yourself for a worldwide audience, for money.

So, given those skills, it was either (in order from least to most humiliating) get your own show on VH1, receive golden showers and bukkake on camera, or become a WWE diva. I would say there was a 33% chance of any of those options.

Viscera: You are indeed fabulous, mama. I saw you on TV recently and I noticed you had two new additions to your body …
NY
: [Laughs.] I think it’s a working plan.
Viscera
: I just wanted to say it’s just more New York to love and it’s a good thing.

By “two new additions”, you might think that Viscera is referring to a pair of big fake tits. Yes, she does have those, but in this case, he is referring to something else: the buffet bar added to her abdominal area, and the Orange Fanta and ice dispenser installed in her taint.

NY: It is a good thing. I’m having fun with the new additions. You know they’re looking really good right now. I’m filling out my tops in a new way, and I’m loving it. Those are the girls.

Allow me to expand on this metaphor. If tits are “girls”, Viscera’s abnormally sized man-tits are the entire audience of “Sex and the City”.

Viscera: So tell me about this little Chihuahua you have, and this palace you have the men building for her. How does it go?
NY
: Yes, her name is Your Majesty and she’s my daughter. She told me one day, “Mommy, I want my own place.” I’m like, you know what, I’m going to make these guys build you a place. So I said, listen you guys look y’all come up with a design, let me see what you got, let me see your creative side. I wanted to see how strong these guys were who could measure and drill and do all that good stuff. They made the house. She picked what house she wanted. … It was cool.


(Artist’s rendering: the inside of my mind
while reading this interview.)

This is a frightening paragraph, Lovecraftian in its ability to cause abject madness in the mind of any poor soul unfortunate enough to absorb it. But it is my job to plow through these things and boil them down for you, the reader.

So, from what I can gather, I… think… New York had sex with a dog. After nine months of gestation, a hideous half-human half-puppy hybrid sprung forth from her well-traveled vagina. … ::wipes brow::… And… following instructions from her interspecies offspring… *cough*… um… she… hired a team of contractors to build a house to her dog-daughter’s specifications… ::shivers uncontrollably:: zoobity boobity, ohh, look at that shiny object over there… must kill… ARRRRRGGGHHHHFASTYTYTYD$^AS76e5 2

Viscera: So at this point, are we down to the [final] Lucky Seven [contestants on I Love New York] yet?
NY
: We are down to the Lucky Number Seven. And I’m so excited about it. When you tape the show like this, you kind of forget what you said and what you did. So, it’s cool for me to just kick back and watch the interactions with the guys. Myself, I can’t figure it out – I know the show comes on tonight – and if I’m not mistaken, there’s an interesting episode called “A.A.” And I’m just happy to see what is going to happen because you know I forgot. [Laughs.]

Now, I know what the astute readers of Double Ax Handle are thinking. “She doesn’t know what’s going to happen on her own stupid-ass show? What is she, on fucking crack?”

But, a word of caution. Before you criticize the star of a show for not knowing what her own show is about, I should inform you that this is commonplace in Hollywood. It is kind of like the recording process of a Jennifer Lopez album. She just blows into the studio one day, and yodels into a microphone for a couple of hours. Then, three months later, after all the technicians get through pounding away at it, she gets to listen to what her album sounds like!

Viscera: I just want to say personally that none of these guys are worthy of you.
NY
: I’m going to have to come meet you.
Viscera
: You need to drop those chicken dinners and get with a winner.
NY
: Oh, boy, yeah! [Laughs.]

“But seriously, when you come meet me, don’t drop any food. That was just an expression. You can totally bring food if you want. And yeah, don’t drop any.”

Viscera: So is there anything you want to say to all our great WWE fans out there that I’m sure love you as much as I do?
NY
: I just want to say thanks to all the wonderful WWE fans. It’s a pleasure to be on the Web site and give all my little point of views on the show and everything. Most of all, if you love New York, I love you back. If you hate me, I love you anyway. Thanks WWE!
Viscera
: I think the people that claim they hate you love you the most, baby.
NY
: That’s crazy because it’s the ones that claim they hate me are the ones that can tell me my every move – from the hat I have on to the way I twist my hair.
Viscera
: Exactly. Those are the ones that won’t miss an episode.


Above: Not Seinfeld.

That is true. Even though I do hate her, I can name every second of every show. Like remember that time on “I Love New York” when she wanted to order soup from that guy but he had all these terrible rules for her to… oh wait, that was Seinfeld.

Let’s see how about that time she discovered that underground hatch and found a…. LOST? OK, my bad.

OK, I guess Viscera is wrong — I don’t remember a single second of her shitty show. It is exactly identical to the other 83 reality shows featuring horrendously untalented people on television. So I guess that means I am not really that jealous of her. I probably just hate her because of her unavoidably constant obnoxious appearances on every channel at every hour of every day and all over the Internet. So in order to reminisce about her show I will have to make something up. Hey, remember that time in Episode 7 of season 2 when she carried on like a retard and punched and kicked some girl trying to pull her weave out? Yeah, that was totally memorable.

Fine, maybe that wasn’t 100% accurate but come on, the host of the show doesn’t even know what she filmed. I bet you I’m somewhere in the ballpark.

Viscera: It was definitely nice talking to you. You are a gorgeous woman, and I wish you all the success in the world.
NY
: Thank you. It was great talking to you. I feel like we’re old friends already.
Viscera
: Absolutely. Hopefully, one day we’ll meet each other.

Um… technical question here. Are they not doing this in the same room? I only have the transcript of these, but the few I have seen on video, they are both sitting on stools together.

It would be really funny if she had no idea who Viscera was, and spent the whole interview flirting with him, and finds out later that his tits are bigger than her head. I would love to see that reaction caught on camera.

One final, mind-bending line before we conclude this episode of “Slam Your Head Against the Wall with the WWE”:

Viscera: Oh and guess what, I’m a breast man, too.

There are so many good jokes to put in here that I will leave it up to the reader to insert them here.

Place Your Bets

WrestleMania has been called the Super Bowl of wrestling. And there are definitely similarities. For example, just like with WrestleMania, there is usually about a month’s worth of hype for the Super Bowl and, this year aside, compared to all the hype, the Super Bowl is usually a boring, anticlimactic mess just like WrestleMania. Also, in the Super Bowl, just like in WrestleMania, there are usually about 15 minutes of the event that wind up being worth watching. Another similarity is that the Super Bowl airs on broadcast television for free, much like WrestleMania airs for free on WWE television for the following several weeks after they have convinced several thousand suckers to pay $60 for it.

However the biggest difference between the two is that the degenerate fans of football will bet on anything from the final score of the Super Bowl, to the number of punts, to the coin toss. The degenerate fans of wrestling don’t have anything to bet on since the outcomes are predetermined. But wouldn’t it be nice if we could bet on all the dumb stuff that will happen? Here is the betting line for WrestleMania XXIV.


“What a devastating sidewalk slam!” — Michael Cole

MISCELLANEOUS
Over/under on the percentage of successful attempts by Mike Adamle to pronounce the names of wrestlers he has never heard of until bell time: 18%
Over/under on the number of visible eyebags on Mike Adamle despite the best efforts of a highly paid WWE makeup staff: 3.5
Chances that the worst match (“BunnyMania” women’s tag match) will last longer than the best match (“Money in the Bank”): 50%
Chances that the WWE will produce some dumbass skit featuring 1980s wrestlers, identical to the 150 other skits they have produced in the past five years: 91%
Over/under on the percentage of moves Michael Cole incorrectly calls a sidewalk slam: 84.5%
Over/under on the total number of minutes of the show spent watching restholds: 47
Over under on the number of minutes taken up by replaying things we’ve already seen on television: 37 Chances that Aretha Franklin will sneak into the backstage area by claiming to be Big Daddy V, do a heel turn, attack John Legend, and take his place singing America the Beautiful: 1% (but we can hope)


Above: America the Not-So-Beautiful.

HALL OF FAME INDUCTION
Over/under on how many inappropriate chants happen during the Hall of Fame ceremony: 15
Chances that Mae Young will go topless while accepting her HOF induction: 89%
Chances that anyone will mention, during Peter Maivia and Rocky Johnson’s induction, how offensive their gimmicks were: 0.00000004%
Chances of someone saying “WWF” during the show: 63%

BUNNYMANIA
Over/under on the total number of wrestling moves executed correctly in the women’s match, by anyone other than Beth Phoenix: 1.5
Chances that the most entertaining thing about the women’s match is:

  • Santino Marella getting on the mic: 75%
  • Nipple slip or butt-crack exposure: 25%
  • Anything wrestling-related: 0%


Above: Pin dropping (can be heard
during WWE women’s matches).

Chances that Snoop Dogg will say something in an interview that indicates he hasn’t watched any wrestling since WrestleMania IV: 83%
Chances of Snoop Dogg specifically saying “WWF”: 97.2%
Chances that the crowd reaction at any given time during the actual match is greater than the reaction during the women’s entrances: 8%
Chances of a fart being heard from the audience because they are so silent during this match: 47%
Chances of sudden torrential downpour in the open-air Orange Citrus Bowl improving this match: 97%


Fig. 1: Unstoppable force.

24-MAN BATTLE ROYALE
Over/under on the number of times that Snitsky, even though he is flabby, out of shape, only 2 inches or so taller than the average WWE wrestler, and has lost every televised match he has been involved in for 6 years, will be portrayed as an unstoppable monster: 14
Over/under on the length of time The Great Khali is in the ring before sustaining a continuous “BOO” becomes a vocal impossibility for the crowd: 4:27
Over/under on the length of time the Great Khali will remain in the match before awkwardly stepping over the top rope and pretending to be eliminated: 15:29 (11 minutes past the continuous booing threshhold)
Chances that Hacksaw Jim Duggan will get a better fan reaction than anyone else in the match: 81%

UMAGA vs. BATISTA
Over/under on the number of times that any of the announcers assert their balls in the “my brand is better than your brand” debate, even though all three brands appear on each other’s shows constantly: 19.5
Chances that Umaga stares at a piece of simple electronic equipment in wonderment and awe, as if it is a god that fell to earth, even though he wrestles in arenas full of electrical equipment 250 days a year: 57%
Chances that Umaga’s incoherent rambling in Samoan is more understandable than Batista’s pre-match promo: 92%
Over/under on the number of chair-shots or other vicious blows to the head which Umaga will no-sell because he is supposed to be a Samoan with a stereotypically rock hard head: 4
Over/under on the number of simple fists to the head Umaga will sell as legit, and stagger, even though he seemingly cannot be hurt in the head by a chair: 34
Over/under on the number of times the announcers refer to Umaga as “unstoppable” or a similar adjective, even though, like Snitsky, he never wins a match except against 150 lb. jobbers: 11
Over/under on the increase in popcorn sales during Batista’s offensive sequences: 35%

BELFAST BRAWL
Chances that JBL’s intro/ring entrance will last longer than the time elapsed in the match before he needs a resthold break: 74%
Chances of anyone expressing any interest in who Vince McMahon’s real bastard son is, now that Finley is Hornswoggle’s father: 4%

ECW CHAMPIONSHIP
Chances that one of the two guys fighting over the ECW title will be from ECW: 12%
Chances that WWE will update their website to include “ECW Champion” under Chavo’s “list of career highlights” before he loses the belt: 2%

MAYWEATHER vs. BIG SHOW
Chances that Big Show just says “fuck it” and legitimately snaps Mayweather in half: 6%
Chances that Big Show plays it by the book, but still clumsily gives Mayweather a legitimate injury by accident: 64%
Over/under on the number of people watching who are hoping one of the above happens: 257,951
Chances that Mayweather gets through a complete sentence without mumbling, stuttering, or some other miscue in his pre-match promo: 0.004%
Chances of Mayweather saying “WWF”: 28%
Chances of the winner of the Money in the Bank match using his title shot to challenge Mayweather for his boxing title after he is laying in a mangled heap in the ring: 0% (and yet, way more entertaining than whatever really happens)

RIC FLAIR vs. SHAWN MICHAELS
Chances that Vince McMahon can restrain himself from appearing in the climax of this match, and imprinting himself on Ric Flair’s moment of glory into retirement: 1%


Above: More mobile than MVP.

MONEY IN THE BANK
Chances that MVP ever actually gets on the ladder: 40%
Chances that MVP takes a respectable bump involving the ladder: 21%
Chances that MVP tries to put the ladder in a chinlock: 91%
Chances that someone will use the money in the bank privileges to challenge for:

  • The RAW title: 60%
  • The Smackdown title: 31%
  • The women’s championship: 5%
  • One of the fake belts that are sold at WWE concession stands: 2%
  • The belt holding Jerry Lawler’s pants up: 0.999995%
  • The ECW title: .000005%


Who will be the lesser of three boredoms?

RANDY ORTON vs. JOHN CENA vs. HHH
Chances that JR or someone else will say that this match is “unprecedented” or “historic” — even though we have been seeing thousands of different boring permutations of these three guys fighting each other on RAW for what seems like about 3½ years now: 99.7%
Over/under on the number of people in the crowd and home audience rooting for the guy they dislike the least: 194,000
Chances that at some point HHH and Randy Orton will both have to bring the action to a screeching halt, lie still and pretend to be incapacitated for a ridiculously long amount of time, after a simple move like a side suplex, so that John Cena can perform a five knuckle shuffle: 83%
Chances that John Cena does a “military salute” with the wrong hand again: 50%
Chances that HHH will hit someone with a sledgehammer in a completely non-threatening way like running it into their gut, or use the less-damaging stick end of it: 71%
Chances that HHH will actually use a sledgehammer the way someone would use it if it was a real fight, by swinging it like a baseball bat: 0%
Chances that anyone will point out that using a sledgehammer isn’t as badass as it sounds, if you’re going to use it in the safest possible way for your opponent: 0%
Chances that there will be another massive wave of steroid suspensions in the WWE between now and bell time, and they will have to replace the main eventers with The Miz, Sho Funaki, and Jimmy Wang Yang: 9%

Got any hot tips to add to the betting line for WrestleMania? Stick ‘em in the comments and I will post any good ones. (Don’t worry if it’s after WrestleMania is over. This doesn’t have to make any sense, it’s about the WWE!!)

"YOU FAT FUCK!" Who, me? "No, the other one."

WrestleMania has many traditions. Naturally, this being the premier event of the wrestling calendar, one of these storied traditions is that non-wrestlers often get to appear in non-wrestling matches. For example, an actor who once played a boxer in a movie might appear in a boxing match against a wrestler. Alternatively, a person famous for betting on baseball might be turned upside down and dropped on his head in a non-match setting. Why, you may ask, is it traditional for a wrestling promotion to have non-wrestling matches featuring non-wrestlers on its premier event? Well you, my friend, just. Don’t. Get it.

Anyway, at this year’s WrestleMania, non-wrestler Floyd Mayweather will face off against almost-a-wrestler The Big Show, in a match that is made all the more exciting by several confrontations leading up to the main event, in which Floyd Mayweather makes googly eyes and mumbles incoherently into a microphone. Immediately afterward, in these standoffs, Big Show gamely pretends not to be able to kill him instantly with one punch to the cock. However, this isn’t The Big Show’s first non-match at WrestleMania — no, back in 2005 he squared off in a sumo match against the equally fat and uninteresting “Akebono” of Japan.

YouTube Preview Image

Now, a fun fact: allegedly, in Japan, fat people are not considered disgusting and grotesque. I know American readers may doubt this, but it appears to be true. I will have to research this some more because it seems incomprehensible to me, but for now, in keeping with Blogger Brody’s post below, I will give you the back story leading up to this match.

…JUST KIDDING! There wasn’t any, because this match was just announced without any angles or back story or clever writing involved. And let’s face it, a good portion of the audience may have declined to purchase this PPV if it was announced to them that Big Show would be wearing a thin stripe of fabric across his “taint” and that, yes indeed, there could be a good chance that his penis and balls could pop out with any awkward stumble. And in the absolute best case scenario, you are still looking at about 5-6 minutes of closeups of his ass cheeks. In that light, not even acknowledging the match on their TV shows was probably a great idea.

So, in the absence of any back story, here, instead, are the top 8 things that are hilarious about this match.

8. Akebono’s robe.
Somewhere, in South Florida, an elderly woman (call her “Estelle”) settles down to eat her gefilte fish and listen to the NPR. She shambles out of the shower, and goes to grab her multicolored patchwork robe, but finds it missing. This robe and hundreds of others just like it were purchased by WWE and knitted together to make Akebono’s housedress.

7. The Big Show’s robe.
Sorry to waste two of these slots on robes, but I definitely feel that robes make up at least 25% of what is the most horrible about this match. The Big Show’s robe looks like someone removed Hulk Hogan’s radioactive orange skin, wrapped it around a Jackson Pollock painting, and then threw up on it.

6. AHHHHHH!
ZOMG please put the robes back on. I won’t make fun of them or call them old senior citizens’ housedresses anymore, I swear. Just please please please put them back on. (By the way, I am 99.999999999% sure that Vince McMahon hated the idea of this match until someone pitched it to him with the angle that both huge fat bastards would be wearing little tiny panties.)

5. Taz not knowing what happens in a sumo match and pretending he is into it.
He false starts the action 3 separate times by my count. I’M SO PUMPED FOR THIS COLLISION!! LET’S GET IT GOING! Followed by about two more minutes of salt-tossing and calisthenics. There is truly only one man on the planet who can absorb such shittiness and act convincingly excited about it, and that is Good Old JR (see any John Cena match for reference). However, in fairness to Taz someone should definitely have given him a show itinerary in which it explained the unbelievably looooooooong length of pre-match activity that would occur before the two extremely unathletic fat people rubbed their titties together. The above clip lasts 8:55 and the first time they even touch each other is 6:20. That’s a LONG time to leave Taz, already not the most diligent student of the English language to put it mildly, with nothing particularly substantive to talk about other than two naked fat men.

4. Michael Cole.
“THIS IS THE FIRST EVER SUMO MATCH IN the WWE!!!!” Like this is actually going to be something they are going to keep doing on every PPV. “Umaga throw the ceremonial salt into the eyes of John Cena!!”

3. What happens when the match finally starts.
I’ll be completely honest, before WrestleMania 21 I had not ever seen an actual sumo match in its entirety. I had seen Hollywood fictional represtentations of a sumo match but my first thought upon watching this was that a real sumo match appears to be when two fat people slap each other in a slapfight like bitches. Then I realized, the Big Show is in this match. So maybe he sucks at sumo wrestling as much as he sucks at wrestling wrestling, and perhaps Akebono is more of a “Randy Orton” than an “HBK” of Sumo, and can’t carry the Big Show to a good match. So I decided not to pass judgment on sumo wrestling — it would be like when you are trying to convince your girlfriend to get into wrestling and just at that moment, Snitsky vs. Hacksaw Jim Duggan comes on the screen, convincing her that wrestling has not really changed at all in 20 years.

2. “YEAAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!”
The Big Show does his patented scream with the hand in the air during the middle of the match. Normally this is The Big Show-ese for “I am preparing to chokeslam you”. However he lowers his chokeslamming hand and just goes back to slapping and rubbing titties with the other obese fellow. I must tell you, The Big Show (can I call you The?), when one is primed for one of your exhilarating chokeslams, and then one does not receive it — well, let’s just say this is very anticlimactic, The. Very anticlimactic.

1. The crowd.
A lot of times I find myself getting upset at crowds for cheering shitty wrestling, making it ever more likely that the shitty wrestlers engaging in the shitty wrestling will be encouraged to continue. Or worse, they start booing things I like, making it more likely that they’ll never try that good thing I like again. In this case though, they were pretty much on point, gasping in disbelief when the robes came off, then yawning and booing throughout the entire match until it was over. A flawless performance of boredom, probably guaranteeing that there will never be another terrible non-wrestling match at WrestleMania ever again!

Although I am petrified in horror after watching this match, I did learn a lesson from all this. The next time someone asks you to recap horrible wrestling (or non-wrestling) clips from WrestleMania, say no. In fact, don’t just say no — say no and then go to the person’s house who asked you to do this and take a giant crap on their living room coffee table.


Speaking Out

Tags

Abyss andre the giant ashley awesome Batista Beth Phoenix big daddy v big show bobby heenan Bret Hart candace michelle chris jericho chyna ECW elizabeth floyd mayweather georgia gobbledygooker GREAT KHALI hacksaw jim duggan hulk hogan jim ross John Cena kurt angle LOLWrestlers mae young maria michael cole Randy Orton randy savage RAW ric flair roh santino marella snoop dogg Steroids taint Ultimate Warrior vince mcmahon WCW WORSTLEMANIA WrestleMania wrestling WWE WWF

Categories