However the biggest difference between the two is that the degenerate fans of football will bet on anything from the final score of the Super Bowl, to the number of punts, to the coin toss. The degenerate fans of wrestling don’t have anything to bet on since the outcomes are predetermined. But wouldn’t it be nice if we could bet on all the dumb stuff that will happen? Here is the betting line for WrestleMania XXIV.

“What a devastating sidewalk slam!” — Michael Cole

MISCELLANEOUS
Over/under on the percentage of successful attempts by Mike Adamle to pronounce the names of wrestlers he has never heard of until bell time: 18%
Over/under on the number of visible eyebags on Mike Adamle despite the best efforts of a highly paid WWE makeup staff: 3.5
Chances that the worst match (“BunnyMania” women’s tag match) will last longer than the best match (“Money in the Bank”): 50%
Chances that the WWE will produce some dumbass skit featuring 1980s wrestlers, identical to the 150 other skits they have produced in the past five years: 91%
Over/under on the percentage of moves Michael Cole incorrectly calls a sidewalk slam: 84.5%
Over/under on the total number of minutes of the show spent watching restholds: 47
Over under on the number of minutes taken up by replaying things we’ve already seen on television: 37 Chances that Aretha Franklin will sneak into the backstage area by claiming to be Big Daddy V, do a heel turn, attack John Legend, and take his place singing America the Beautiful: 1% (but we can hope)

Above: America the Not-So-Beautiful.

HALL OF FAME INDUCTION
Over/under on how many inappropriate chants happen during the Hall of Fame ceremony: 15
Chances that Mae Young will go topless while accepting her HOF induction: 89%
Chances that anyone will mention, during Peter Maivia and Rocky Johnson’s induction, how offensive their gimmicks were: 0.00000004%
Chances of someone saying “WWF” during the show: 63%

BUNNYMANIA
Over/under on the total number of wrestling moves executed correctly in the women’s match, by anyone other than Beth Phoenix: 1.5
Chances that the most entertaining thing about the women’s match is:

• Santino Marella getting on the mic: 75%
• Nipple slip or butt-crack exposure: 25%
• Anything wrestling-related: 0%

Above: Pin dropping (can be heard
during WWE women’s matches).

Chances that Snoop Dogg will say something in an interview that indicates he hasn’t watched any wrestling since WrestleMania IV: 83%
Chances of Snoop Dogg specifically saying “WWF”: 97.2%
Chances that the crowd reaction at any given time during the actual match is greater than the reaction during the women’s entrances: 8%
Chances of a fart being heard from the audience because they are so silent during this match: 47%
Chances of sudden torrential downpour in the open-air Orange Citrus Bowl improving this match: 97%

Fig. 1: Unstoppable force.

24-MAN BATTLE ROYALE
Over/under on the number of times that Snitsky, even though he is flabby, out of shape, only 2 inches or so taller than the average WWE wrestler, and has lost every televised match he has been involved in for 6 years, will be portrayed as an unstoppable monster: 14
Over/under on the length of time The Great Khali is in the ring before sustaining a continuous “BOO” becomes a vocal impossibility for the crowd: 4:27
Over/under on the length of time the Great Khali will remain in the match before awkwardly stepping over the top rope and pretending to be eliminated: 15:29 (11 minutes past the continuous booing threshhold)
Chances that Hacksaw Jim Duggan will get a better fan reaction than anyone else in the match: 81%

UMAGA vs. BATISTA
Over/under on the number of times that any of the announcers assert their balls in the “my brand is better than your brand” debate, even though all three brands appear on each other’s shows constantly: 19.5
Chances that Umaga stares at a piece of simple electronic equipment in wonderment and awe, as if it is a god that fell to earth, even though he wrestles in arenas full of electrical equipment 250 days a year: 57%
Chances that Umaga’s incoherent rambling in Samoan is more understandable than Batista’s pre-match promo: 92%
Over/under on the number of chair-shots or other vicious blows to the head which Umaga will no-sell because he is supposed to be a Samoan with a stereotypically rock hard head: 4
Over/under on the number of simple fists to the head Umaga will sell as legit, and stagger, even though he seemingly cannot be hurt in the head by a chair: 34
Over/under on the number of times the announcers refer to Umaga as “unstoppable” or a similar adjective, even though, like Snitsky, he never wins a match except against 150 lb. jobbers: 11
Over/under on the increase in popcorn sales during Batista’s offensive sequences: 35%

BELFAST BRAWL
Chances that JBL’s intro/ring entrance will last longer than the time elapsed in the match before he needs a resthold break: 74%
Chances of anyone expressing any interest in who Vince McMahon’s real bastard son is, now that Finley is Hornswoggle’s father: 4%

ECW CHAMPIONSHIP
Chances that one of the two guys fighting over the ECW title will be from ECW: 12%
Chances that WWE will update their website to include “ECW Champion” under Chavo’s “list of career highlights” before he loses the belt: 2%

MAYWEATHER vs. BIG SHOW
Chances that Big Show just says “fuck it” and legitimately snaps Mayweather in half: 6%
Chances that Big Show plays it by the book, but still clumsily gives Mayweather a legitimate injury by accident: 64%
Over/under on the number of people watching who are hoping one of the above happens: 257,951
Chances that Mayweather gets through a complete sentence without mumbling, stuttering, or some other miscue in his pre-match promo: 0.004%
Chances of Mayweather saying “WWF”: 28%
Chances of the winner of the Money in the Bank match using his title shot to challenge Mayweather for his boxing title after he is laying in a mangled heap in the ring: 0% (and yet, way more entertaining than whatever really happens)

RIC FLAIR vs. SHAWN MICHAELS
Chances that Vince McMahon can restrain himself from appearing in the climax of this match, and imprinting himself on Ric Flair’s moment of glory into retirement: 1%

Above: More mobile than MVP.

MONEY IN THE BANK
Chances that MVP ever actually gets on the ladder: 40%
Chances that MVP takes a respectable bump involving the ladder: 21%
Chances that MVP tries to put the ladder in a chinlock: 91%
Chances that someone will use the money in the bank privileges to challenge for:

• The RAW title: 60%
• The Smackdown title: 31%
• The women’s championship: 5%
• One of the fake belts that are sold at WWE concession stands: 2%
  
• The belt holding Jerry Lawler’s pants up: 0.999995%
• The ECW title: .000005%

Who will be the lesser of three boredoms?

RANDY ORTON vs. JOHN CENA vs. HHH
Chances that JR or someone else will say that this match is “unprecedented” or “historic” — even though we have been seeing thousands of different boring permutations of these three guys fighting each other on RAW for what seems like about 3½ years now: 99.7%
Over/under on the number of people in the crowd and home audience rooting for the guy they dislike the least: 194,000
Chances that at some point HHH and Randy Orton will both have to bring the action to a screeching halt, lie still and pretend to be incapacitated for a ridiculously long amount of time, after a simple move like a side suplex, so that John Cena can perform a five knuckle shuffle: 83%
Chances that John Cena does a “military salute” with the wrong hand again: 50%
Chances that HHH will hit someone with a sledgehammer in a completely non-threatening way like running it into their gut, or use the less-damaging stick end of it: 71%
Chances that HHH will actually use a sledgehammer the way someone would use it if it was a real fight, by swinging it like a baseball bat: 0%
Chances that anyone will point out that using a sledgehammer isn’t as badass as it sounds, if you’re going to use it in the safest possible way for your opponent: 0%
Chances that there will be another massive wave of steroid suspensions in the WWE between now and bell time, and they will have to replace the main eventers with The Miz, Sho Funaki, and Jimmy Wang Yang: 9%

Got any hot tips to add to the betting line for WrestleMania? Stick ‘em in the comments and I will post any good ones. (Don’t worry if it’s after WrestleMania is over. This doesn’t have to make any sense, it’s about the WWE!!)

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I have been a wrestling fan for nineteen years, growing up on the World Wrestling Federation. Catching Superstars of Wrestling and Wrestling Challenge weekly on my local affiliate, with seldom viewings of World Championship Wrestling at my grandparents’ place because they had TBS and I didn’t.

My earliest memory of watching Professional Wrestling was when the Mega Powers crumbled on NBC‘s prime-time special, The Main Event. After that show, wrestling became a huge part in my life. Tape trading, actions figures, live events, I was engulfed with every aspect of it.

It became more than just a fad with the cumulation of the Monday Night Wars between WWF‘s RAW and WCW‘s Nitro. And let’s not forget about Extreme Championship Wrestling, which was a true alternative to anything you’ve ever seen at the time. Wrestling was on the rise, booming like it did it in the 80s. It was an exciting period to be a wrestling fan.

Unfortunately, all good things eventually do come to an end.

WCW closed shop in 2001 when AOL merged with Time Warner, causing the conglomerate to pull its funding and take WCW off the air on TBS and TNT. ECW folded soon after claiming bankruptcy. Then, since they’re no longer a threat, Vince McMahon acquired the licensing, rights and tape libraries for WCW and ECW; which he has used quite excessively in producing endless DVD releases and starting a 24/7 OnDemand service for a monthly fee.

Without any viable competition, the World Wrestling Federation decided to fight themselves. This started with the “Invasion” angle, with Shane McMahon joining forces with Stephanie McMahon as the Alliance fought for ultimate supremacy against Vince McMahon and the WWF; which included mid-carders from each brand that were able to maintain their jobs in the new wrestling conglomerate.

Still on top of the wrestling world, Vince McMahon decided to sway towards the realm of Sports Entertainment. The nerve! And still lacking any real competition, Vinnie Mac implemented a brand split between Monday Night Raw and Thursday/Friday Night Smackdown!. Separate titles, rosters, general managers, announcers, and so on. If that wasn’t enough, they added a third brand, ECW. Adding more titles, another roster, a general manager, announcers, etc. And that is the world that we live in today.

The absence of a true competitive market has caused the WWE’s product to become homogeneous. Quality was replaced with quantity, in that there was more WWE programming available; yet, it the same recycled booking and treacherous angles we’ve seen many, many times over.

With all that said, I will not be ordering WrestleMania this weekend. The sole reason is that there is nothing on the show that is compelling enough for me to spend $60 and waste four hours of my life on. I am no longer the childhood fan that I used to be. And it may be due to the fact that Sports Entertainment is not wrestling. Wrestling became Sports Entertainment. In turn, Sports Entertainment killed the wrestling fan inside of me. Vince doesn’t cater to our kind anymore.

To be fair, I’d like to give this Sunday’s card a quick analysis. Let’s browse through the top five matches and see if there is any hint that this year will be any less exciting than last year’s event.

The Big Show vs. Floyd “Money” Mayweather

• How many times have we seen a boxer square off against a wrestler? Mr. T and “Rowdy” Roddy Piper, Antonio Inoki and Muhammad Ali, Andre The Giant and Chuck Wepner, Butterbean and Bart Gunn. I’m sure there are more and each of these fights have historical significance. Yes, even Butterbean and Bart Gunn had some sort of impact on the wrestling world; albeit, I believe it was detrimental.
• With the rumored pay out of $20 million going to “Money” Mayweather, why not hire writers, staffers, and road agents to improve your product in the long-term. Rather than handover a large payout for a one-time match that will most likely expose the wrestling business even further, why not try putting that money to better use?
• My point is this: What’s the appeal? David versus Goliath? Well, yeah. Whoever thinks that Mayweather is not going to get over on Big Show is living in a dream world. But, why should we care enough to purchase a $60 pay-per-view only to see something that will be replayed on WWE’s programming for the next decade? Its Sports Entertainment, baby!

John Cena vs. Randy Orton vs. Triple H

• This should be self-explanatory, especially if you have been following the product in the last three years. How many times can we see some sort of variation between Cena/Orton/Triple H going at it? Enough is enough! Seriously, enough. Why won’t it stop??
• Even if you decide to catch this match at some point following the show, we all know who is going to walk out of Wrestlemania the KING OF KINGS. There is only one.
• The one person I kinda like in this match, Randy Orton, has no chance. Knowing that much about this triple threat title match, I care even less about the outcome (HAIL THE KING OF KINGS!!!).
• Oh yeah. Did I mention how much I love Triple H? Watch this five star clip of him tearing off an Invisible Shirt! I think we have our main event for WrestleMania XXV.

Shawn Michaels vs. Ric Flair

• I <3 Ric Flair. I’m also a long-time fan of Shawn Michaels. However, both are middle-aged, passed their prime, and have wrestled one another before. The huge sell for this is that it may be Ric Flair’s “last” match. Bullshit. Even if Flair does lose, this will not be his last match. The guy cannot survive without wrestling. He will be back doing one-night only matches, or some sort of role in wrestling that has kept guys like Terry Funk and Hulk Hogan relevant.
• HBK can carry anyone to a decent match (ie: John Cena, Hulk Hogan, Kurt Angle). So, I’m not going to trash this one as bad as the others, because if I didn’t have such a disdain for the current product, this match would be my sole reason for ordering the event.

The Undertaker vs. Edge

• While this may be the only title match worth watching this WrestleMania, I’m still indifferent. Yes, they have been pushing this feud for about year. Yes, its Edge’s World Title vs. Undertaker’s WrestleMania Streak. But, no, I still don’t care. I can only attribute that to my lack of interest in WWE’s Smackdown! brand. Honestly, who watches something that is comparable to the final days of World Championship Wrestling? Why waste your time.
• That was a little harsh. I’ll admit that. But, Smackdown! really does suck. It’s too bad that these two guys, who are incredibly talented, are stuck on a the B-show. Hell, I’d actually say Smackdown! is the C-show (even ECW is passable for being on for one less hour a week).
• Edge has proven to be an ingenious heel. The dude is making out with the late Eddie Guerrero‘s wife on network television. Additionally, Edge has cashed in his Money in the Bank opportunity in two innovative ways, each time after the champion went through a previously grueling match. I’m a fan. Though, we’ve seen Edge face off against the Undertaker in other variations. And I’m sure we’re going to see it again. Probably, on Smackdown! next week. For free.

Money in the Bank Ladder Match

• This has become a tradition for WrestleMania in the past few years. The concept of this match is that whoever climbs the ladder and grabs the briefcase is the winner and gets a title shot within a one year period. Last year, Ken Kennedy won the match and lost his title shot to Edge. So, um, what’s the point of having a Money in the Bank Ladder match if the winner can lose their privilege at a title shot? Seems contradictory.
• With Jeff Hardy‘s recent 60 day suspension, and exclusion from the Money in the Bank Ladder match, we are left with only other seven participants. They didn’t even bother replacing Jeff Hardy’s spot. Although, I wouldn’t be surprised if they substituted one Hardy for another. You know, to see if anyone notices. Or cares.
• I’m not going to downplay that these matches tend to be quite entertaining. It may be good enough to outshine everything else on the card. But, is that really saying much about the rest of the card? Is one great match worth sitting through nine other predictable matches?

To close, I’d like to say that if this year’s WrestleMania exceeds my expectations, and since hindsight is always 20/20, I’ll admit that I jumped the gun and may catch the replay. But, I didn’t bother with WrestleMania last year. I felt that choice was justified when I read the review following the show. I have a feeling that this year will not be much different. Therefore, I will not be ordering WrestleMania this year.

God Bless The Internet.

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