WrestleMania has been called the Super Bowl of wrestling. And there are definitely similarities. For example, just like with WrestleMania, there is usually about a month’s worth of hype for the Super Bowl and, this year aside, compared to all the hype, the Super Bowl is usually a boring, anticlimactic mess just like WrestleMania. Also, in the Super Bowl, just like in WrestleMania, there are usually about 15 minutes of the event that wind up being worth watching. Another similarity is that the Super Bowl airs on broadcast television for free, much like WrestleMania airs for free on WWE television for the following several weeks after they have convinced several thousand suckers to pay $60 for it.

However the biggest difference between the two is that the degenerate fans of football will bet on anything from the final score of the Super Bowl, to the number of punts, to the coin toss. The degenerate fans of wrestling don’t have anything to bet on since the outcomes are predetermined. But wouldn’t it be nice if we could bet on all the dumb stuff that will happen? Here is the betting line for WrestleMania XXIV.

“What a devastating sidewalk slam!” — Michael Cole

MISCELLANEOUS
Over/under on the percentage of successful attempts by Mike Adamle to pronounce the names of wrestlers he has never heard of until bell time: 18%
Over/under on the number of visible eyebags on Mike Adamle despite the best efforts of a highly paid WWE makeup staff: 3.5
Chances that the worst match (“BunnyMania” women’s tag match) will last longer than the best match (“Money in the Bank”): 50%
Chances that the WWE will produce some dumbass skit featuring 1980s wrestlers, identical to the 150 other skits they have produced in the past five years: 91%
Over/under on the percentage of moves Michael Cole incorrectly calls a sidewalk slam: 84.5%
Over/under on the total number of minutes of the show spent watching restholds: 47
Over under on the number of minutes taken up by replaying things we’ve already seen on television: 37 Chances that Aretha Franklin will sneak into the backstage area by claiming to be Big Daddy V, do a heel turn, attack John Legend, and take his place singing America the Beautiful: 1% (but we can hope)

Above: America the Not-So-Beautiful.

HALL OF FAME INDUCTION
Over/under on how many inappropriate chants happen during the Hall of Fame ceremony: 15
Chances that Mae Young will go topless while accepting her HOF induction: 89%
Chances that anyone will mention, during Peter Maivia and Rocky Johnson’s induction, how offensive their gimmicks were: 0.00000004%
Chances of someone saying “WWF” during the show: 63%

BUNNYMANIA
Over/under on the total number of wrestling moves executed correctly in the women’s match, by anyone other than Beth Phoenix: 1.5
Chances that the most entertaining thing about the women’s match is:

• Santino Marella getting on the mic: 75%
• Nipple slip or butt-crack exposure: 25%
• Anything wrestling-related: 0%

Above: Pin dropping (can be heard
during WWE women’s matches).

Chances that Snoop Dogg will say something in an interview that indicates he hasn’t watched any wrestling since WrestleMania IV: 83%
Chances of Snoop Dogg specifically saying “WWF”: 97.2%
Chances that the crowd reaction at any given time during the actual match is greater than the reaction during the women’s entrances: 8%
Chances of a fart being heard from the audience because they are so silent during this match: 47%
Chances of sudden torrential downpour in the open-air Orange Citrus Bowl improving this match: 97%

Fig. 1: Unstoppable force.

24-MAN BATTLE ROYALE
Over/under on the number of times that Snitsky, even though he is flabby, out of shape, only 2 inches or so taller than the average WWE wrestler, and has lost every televised match he has been involved in for 6 years, will be portrayed as an unstoppable monster: 14
Over/under on the length of time The Great Khali is in the ring before sustaining a continuous “BOO” becomes a vocal impossibility for the crowd: 4:27
Over/under on the length of time the Great Khali will remain in the match before awkwardly stepping over the top rope and pretending to be eliminated: 15:29 (11 minutes past the continuous booing threshhold)
Chances that Hacksaw Jim Duggan will get a better fan reaction than anyone else in the match: 81%

UMAGA vs. BATISTA
Over/under on the number of times that any of the announcers assert their balls in the “my brand is better than your brand” debate, even though all three brands appear on each other’s shows constantly: 19.5
Chances that Umaga stares at a piece of simple electronic equipment in wonderment and awe, as if it is a god that fell to earth, even though he wrestles in arenas full of electrical equipment 250 days a year: 57%
Chances that Umaga’s incoherent rambling in Samoan is more understandable than Batista’s pre-match promo: 92%
Over/under on the number of chair-shots or other vicious blows to the head which Umaga will no-sell because he is supposed to be a Samoan with a stereotypically rock hard head: 4
Over/under on the number of simple fists to the head Umaga will sell as legit, and stagger, even though he seemingly cannot be hurt in the head by a chair: 34
Over/under on the number of times the announcers refer to Umaga as “unstoppable” or a similar adjective, even though, like Snitsky, he never wins a match except against 150 lb. jobbers: 11
Over/under on the increase in popcorn sales during Batista’s offensive sequences: 35%

BELFAST BRAWL
Chances that JBL’s intro/ring entrance will last longer than the time elapsed in the match before he needs a resthold break: 74%
Chances of anyone expressing any interest in who Vince McMahon’s real bastard son is, now that Finley is Hornswoggle’s father: 4%

ECW CHAMPIONSHIP
Chances that one of the two guys fighting over the ECW title will be from ECW: 12%
Chances that WWE will update their website to include “ECW Champion” under Chavo’s “list of career highlights” before he loses the belt: 2%

MAYWEATHER vs. BIG SHOW
Chances that Big Show just says “fuck it” and legitimately snaps Mayweather in half: 6%
Chances that Big Show plays it by the book, but still clumsily gives Mayweather a legitimate injury by accident: 64%
Over/under on the number of people watching who are hoping one of the above happens: 257,951
Chances that Mayweather gets through a complete sentence without mumbling, stuttering, or some other miscue in his pre-match promo: 0.004%
Chances of Mayweather saying “WWF”: 28%
Chances of the winner of the Money in the Bank match using his title shot to challenge Mayweather for his boxing title after he is laying in a mangled heap in the ring: 0% (and yet, way more entertaining than whatever really happens)

RIC FLAIR vs. SHAWN MICHAELS
Chances that Vince McMahon can restrain himself from appearing in the climax of this match, and imprinting himself on Ric Flair’s moment of glory into retirement: 1%

Above: More mobile than MVP.

MONEY IN THE BANK
Chances that MVP ever actually gets on the ladder: 40%
Chances that MVP takes a respectable bump involving the ladder: 21%
Chances that MVP tries to put the ladder in a chinlock: 91%
Chances that someone will use the money in the bank privileges to challenge for:

• The RAW title: 60%
• The Smackdown title: 31%
• The women’s championship: 5%
• One of the fake belts that are sold at WWE concession stands: 2%
  
• The belt holding Jerry Lawler’s pants up: 0.999995%
• The ECW title: .000005%

Who will be the lesser of three boredoms?

RANDY ORTON vs. JOHN CENA vs. HHH
Chances that JR or someone else will say that this match is “unprecedented” or “historic” — even though we have been seeing thousands of different boring permutations of these three guys fighting each other on RAW for what seems like about 3½ years now: 99.7%
Over/under on the number of people in the crowd and home audience rooting for the guy they dislike the least: 194,000
Chances that at some point HHH and Randy Orton will both have to bring the action to a screeching halt, lie still and pretend to be incapacitated for a ridiculously long amount of time, after a simple move like a side suplex, so that John Cena can perform a five knuckle shuffle: 83%
Chances that John Cena does a “military salute” with the wrong hand again: 50%
Chances that HHH will hit someone with a sledgehammer in a completely non-threatening way like running it into their gut, or use the less-damaging stick end of it: 71%
Chances that HHH will actually use a sledgehammer the way someone would use it if it was a real fight, by swinging it like a baseball bat: 0%
Chances that anyone will point out that using a sledgehammer isn’t as badass as it sounds, if you’re going to use it in the safest possible way for your opponent: 0%
Chances that there will be another massive wave of steroid suspensions in the WWE between now and bell time, and they will have to replace the main eventers with The Miz, Sho Funaki, and Jimmy Wang Yang: 9%

Got any hot tips to add to the betting line for WrestleMania? Stick ‘em in the comments and I will post any good ones. (Don’t worry if it’s after WrestleMania is over. This doesn’t have to make any sense, it’s about the WWE!!)

You know, when I woke up today, as I poured my Count Chocula and prepared for another boring day of work , I thought to myself: “Self, there is only one thing in this formless void we call a universe that could possibly make me happy. And that is if an untalented midcarder in the WWE were to interview a terrible rapper in an untalented commercial pop group. ” But, of course, that type of dream connection doesn’t really happen outside the imagination of youth.

Wait a minute, what’s this?!

In the latest edition of WWE.com’s Superstar to Superstar, SmackDown’s United States and WWE Tag Team Champ MVP chats with rapper, lyricist, producer and frontman of the Black Eyed Peas, will.i.am.

Wh… But I…Hominahomina… WHAT?!

WWE, it’s like you constantly read my mind when you decide what entertainments to put in my computer box. God bless you and your ability to give the fans what they want with no obnoxious intrusion of marketing whatsoever.

MVP digs deep with will.i.am. to find out the inspiration for his solo album, Songs About Girls, which was released in September. Catch will.i.am’s performance on the American Music Awards Sunday, Nov. 18, on ABC.

Catch will.i.am on Extra, The Insider and Access Hollywood. Catch will.i.am in every magazine from now until summer 2008. Catch will.i.am. being used as a giant Q-Tip on the New American Gladiators with Hulk Hogan, January 6th on NBC. Catch will.i.am’s shitty album appearing at the bottom of the $2.99 rack at your local used CD store in approximately 1 year.

Also, catch MVP at a mall opening in January 2009, followed by MVP selling fruit outside of tollbooths later that year, telling people he used to be famous. Then catch him in the “Where Are They Now?” section of washed-up WWE wrestlers, two years from now, scratch your head, and go, “M. V. Who?! Wasn’t that the guy with the baseball face?”

MVP: Will, how you doing, man? MVP… SmackDown.
will: What’s up?
MVP: Well, I was fortunate enough to be picked to interview you for Superstar to Superstar. So I have some questions for you. Are you ready?
will: Yeah. What’s up?

Analysis: Well, we are two questions in and so far he has asked him whether he is ready for any questions yet. I have to say, by WWE standards, this “idiot wrestlers interviewing people” thing is a rousing success. I guess the one job Michael Cole can sort of do without completely embarrassing himself has been rendered obsolete.

MVP: I’m very, very pleased to have been able to watch your explosion because the first time I saw you guys was on the Warped Tour in 1999. It was really cool to watch your explosion – and I say explosion because the group Black Eyed Peas has blown up.

“I also say ‘explosion’ because I like explosions. I say ‘explosion’ a lot. Explosion! Explodey explosional explode-o-rama. I’m blowin’ up! In fact I like blowin’ up so much that I do it in the ring 2 minutes into a match.”

will: I think it’s awesome to be able to ride the wave and maneuver myself, just staying afloat. A lot of people think we’re in business, so…

MVP: On a personal note, I used to work for years out on South Beach, running security in nightclubs and doing bodyguard work. One night you, Tab and Fergie came into Mansion, and I was assigned to bodyguard you guys while you were in the one room. It’s kind of interesting how at that point, I was a virtual nobody and now I’ve come into my own success as a celebrity, and it’s so realistic to me. It’s mind-numbing sometimes how quickly celebrity can take off.

Oh, my dear MVP. You’re on Smackdown. If everyone on TV were allowed to call themselves celebrities, the National Enquirer would be full of stories about public access cable TV hosts.

This interview is a lot like, say, Tom Hanks’s limo driver engaging Tom in buddy-buddy conversation, including himself on the same plane of celebrity as Tom Hanks because he drives famous people around all the time, and Tom having to nod politely, insert appropriate “uh-huh”s and “nope”s in at the relevant times, and pray for the ride to the airport to be over as soon as possible.

How do you deal with the success, being able to say that at one point you were the proverbial starving artist and now you’re considered one of the top acts and producers in the country?

“Well, I try to keep in mind that I’m really not very good at what I do, and at any time, I could fall back down to the level of ‘celebrity’ that includes Carrot Top and MVP. That keeps me humble as a motherfucker.”

I’m just kidding, he didn’t really say that.

will: I try not to take it too seriously, you know? Because you can let it get to your head, the quality of entertainment. So I like to always stay connected and see what people gravitate toward and not let the celebrity separate me from people because at the end of the day, you’re entertaining those people. To know what those people are craving and feeling at the moment, is to always stay relevant, you know? Especially in this day and age, as soon as you put yourself on a pedestal, you don’t have that connection, you know?

MVP: Yeah, I understand exactly what you’re saying. One of the things we pride ourselves on as WWE Superstars is connecting with the audience. What we do in the ring, we’re reacting from the energy of the crowd. So we have to be connected to our fans just the same way you have to be connected to yours.

I guess I can’t argue with that. If you force someone to get up and go get popcorn during your shitty match, or put them to sleep with an intricately choreographed series of chinlocks made with angry faces, I guess technically you have “connected” with them. The same way you “connect” with someone’s foot when you get kicked hard in the testicles.

MVP “connecting” with fans.

MVP: A lot of WWE fans are huge followers of Black Eyed Peas,

A lot of WWE fans also have problems operating a toaster.

MVP: but I know recently you had a solo joint come out. What can the fans expect from your solo joint? Do you have the same energy and intensity that the Black Eyed Peas albums have, or are you venturing out in a different direction?

will: It’s a little different, but not too different to where I’m alienated. My solo record, it has to be a little different. It can’t be the same, just me minus the other three. So just in respect to the Black Eyed Peas and what I’ve built, I’ve had to be adventurous and try to take our audience to a different musical place.

“However, to avoid confusing my fanbase with my radically different ‘joint’, I have hired another half-naked, giant retarded slut to dance around next to me rhythmlessly while I sing.”

MVP: (laughs) So for the most part, you have fun, get loose, but nothing too outrageous. Fair enough. … Let me ask you this… You’ve quickly become recognized as one of music’s top producers. I’m curious, who is your favorite person to collaborate with or who have you had the most fun working with?

will: Michael Jackson is my high right now.

MVP: I remember when Michael Jackson as an act, as a talent, was untouchable and was in a realm all his own. How does it feel to be working with him?

will: That’s like you getting in the ring with… yeah, dude, for me, Michael Jackson. He’s not Hulk Hogan. To me, it would be like “Macho Man” Randy Savage. To me, like, Elvis is equivalent to Hulk Hogan. And Michael Jackson would be like who, I don’t know.

I admit I am digging this musical artist/wrestler comparison heirarchy that will.i.am has created here. I have put together some additions to this metaphorical equivalent-fame stepladder for my own amusement.

MUSICAL ARTIST/WRESTLER OF EQUIVALENT FAME
Michael Jackson/Randy Savage
Elvis Presley/Hulk Hogan
Brooke Hogan/Horace Hogan
Bob Dylan/Big John Studd
Metallica/Ric Flair
Jessica Simpson/Shawn Michaels
Ashlee Simpson/Marty Jannetty
Panic at the Disco/Viscera
Insane Clown Posse/Insane Clown Posse
Black Eyed Peas in 5 years/MVP now

MVP: Working with someone like Michael Jackson, intimidated might be the wrong word, but for lack of a better word, do you sometimes find yourself a little awe-struck when producing or working with him?

will: At first I was, but you can’t be. If you are then you’re jeopardizing the outcome of whatever it is you’re working on. It took a while for me and it took a lot of mental strength to just let it go and forget about it. You have to separate it. You have to forget everything that he meant to you and what he symbolized. You’ve just got to go out and do the work.

“Although I kept tripping over toddlers while we were recording.”

MVP: OK, so we can get the whole story just listening to it. All right. Now let me just switch gears here for a second. You mention growing up in the projects and there, you know, sometimes you are going to get into scraps. Did you get into some scraps growing up?

will: Not in my projects. I was the dude that … I never got in a fight … never in my whole life. Because I was the dude in the projects that everyone was like, ‘That’s that dude Willie, do that rap you did the other day!’

MVP: Ahhh, OK, you were that guy! I’m digging that.

Whereas MVP was the guy who used to pick fights with all the smaller kids, get tired and put them into chinlocks for five minutes.

MVP: But my last question is would you like to come to a WWE show in the future, maybe come down, show me a little love, represent, you know?

will: You know what? I’ve always wanted to go to a wrestling match, but we were pretty poor. My next-door neighbor used to go to the Royal Rumble.

Huh? Does he think the Royal Rumble is, like, a weekly wrestling block party that they have downtown every week? That kids raise money for by putting on a breakdancing show? “Hey, where’s our wacky next-door neighbor? Oh, he went down to the local youth center to see this week’s Royal Rumble.”

I mean, not that anyone really reads these things (except for me, God help us), but you would think if you’re going into an interview to promote your shitty album at a wrestling site, and drop the name of a PPV, you might familiarize yourself with the basics of what a PPV is and when they take place.

“Yes Bob Costas. I truly love the NFL. I had a great-uncle who often used to go to the Super Bowl.”

MVP: So you grew up watching WWE then?

will: Yeah, dude, I used to be a big WWE fan. You can tell by my knowledge. George “The Animal” Steele, Andre the Giant was dope, British Bulldog, Iron Sheik …but I like Junkyard Dog, that’s my boy. And Koko B. Ware. And Randy… yeeeeeah… “Macho Man.”

Yes, no one knows any of those obscure wrestlers except for you. You truly possess heretofore unimagined knowledge of wrestling.

MVP: I know you’re busy, man. I really enjoyed talking to you and anytime, you have an open invitation to come to a WWE show and you will be my personal guest.

will: All right.

MVP: All right, well you hold it down. Take care. Thank you very much.

will: Thanks.

Until we meet again on VH1′s “I Love the 2000s!”