Mike Adamle is AWESOME!

ECW! ECW! ECW!
The Adamle Experience: The Voice of ECW

Sure, he’s goofy. But, Mike Adamle is Sports Entertainment. He may not understand the WWE product, but who can blame the guy. Which one of us can truly say that we understand anything the WWE has done in recent memory. Certainly not I.

As Joey Styles‘ replacement on ECW, Adamle was met with harsh critics; citing that the new voice of ECW was inexperienced and uninformed with the current product. And, apparently, he is being primed as Jim Ross‘ successor on Raw. Therefore, Adamle is not going away. That is why I think we should embrace the Mike Adamle Experience. This guy is so awesome that he is even being written into their storylines and given even more airtime on Raw and ECW. We definitely deserve more Mike Adamle in our lives.

I applaud you, WWE. You have my support!

*gunshot*

RAW… Is… Pigeon Poop and Midget Sex


Above: Your best friend while watching RAW.

Hey, it’s Tuesday afternoon! You know what that means — I have finished watching the four other things that were on during Monday Night RAW which I would rather watch, and it is time to fire up the DVR for a recap. Fast-forwarding finger activate!

- Two things nobody likes appear in the first match: casket matches and Mark Henry. Nothing very interesting happens in this match, but I will say that Undertaker‘s new submission hold is really gay. Not “gay” as in uncool, as the kiddies say, because it is actually pretty cool. I mean gay as in “homosexual looking”. More so when Mark Henry starts drooling on his crotch while the hold is being applied

Also, maybe my fine colleagues in this blog who read dirtsheets can answer this — wasn’t Mark Henry’s 10-year contract up a couple of years ago? Does this mean they re-signed him to be a jobber?


“What?! I really had to go.”

- The WrestleMania commercial where Carlito gets pooped on by a seagull, again. Listen, I’m not a super Carlito mark or anything — he’s OK. But jeez. In the past couple of months he has jobbed to a midget, and bird poop. I wouldn’t even wish that on The Highlanders, who are actual jobbers.

- These Skittles commercials are getting more and more creepy. The one with the guy who has the “Skittle touch” is more poignant and depressing, than funny. This one with the piñata guy is just plain freakish — I didn’t even get that he was a piñata guy, until he verbally got the point across by saying he got beat with a bat with the expectation of candy coming out. He just looks like a guy in a ragged suit, whose skin is repulsively melting off his face.

They kind of work as surrealism, although I don’t know how effective they are at getting people to buy Skittles, which one would assume is the intended point. I am now starting to have a knee-jerk revulsion to Skittles whenever I happen to see them at the grocery store, because of these commercials.


Above: Hornswoggle — Just For JBL?

- Speaking of endorsements, I am sure Just For Men Haircolor is proud to learn that the “Slam of the Week” they are sponsoring was the implied butt-slamming of Hornswoggle by JBL in the hospital last week with the lights off. I wonder if WWE has some deal where the sponsor has no say in these, or if they actually cleared this with them. If so, maybe they are trying to reach the “creepy gray-bearded homosexual midget fetishist” demographic.

Also, I always wonder why the hospital allows people to visit and then kick the shit out of people, let alone allow a crew in to set up a camera and lighting and record the entire thing, plus cables to the truck to allow them to manage a satellite linkup. When I have gone to hospitals to see people I actually know and love, with no intentions of kicking the shit out of anybody, nor turning off the lights and buggering people and broadcasting it live via satellite, they still crosscheck my identification as if I were suspected of being a terrorist.

- Well, we are one third through the show and so far the best part of RAW has been Edge in a promo for a Smackdown match at WrestleMania. So not only is Edge the only good thing on Smackdown, he is kinda the only good thing on a show he isn’t even on, up to this point.

- OK, I spoke too soon, this match with Chris Jericho and Jeff Hardy was pretty good. Jericho still looks flabby, and way slower than his prime, but he’s so good that he can work even with the added slowness. Too bad this is the last we will see of Jeff for a while as he gives up the Intercontinental championship to go serve a steroid suspension.

I say, look the other way and let the poor guy take the roids. He is clearly not using it to get big, or to make his career all based off of being muscular, a la immobile losers like Chris Masters. He’s just suffering from the abuse of the WWE schedule and the type of matches he wrestles, and he takes roids to heal quicker so he can not be in so much pain. You can see the guy wincing every time he takes a bump. Suspending him seems more like denying marijuana to terminal patients. What’s the point?

- OK, they’re not even trying anymore with these oldtimer cameos. So Jillian Hall comes out and interrupts the match before it starts, and Mike Rotondo beats her up because she can’t sing, haw haw. Violence against women is funny if they are annoying! So then… THEY DON’T HAVE A MATCH. The fuck? How does that cancel the match? Was it a “FIRST ONE TO EXECUTE A MOVE LOSES” match?


Milwaukee: home of cheese and commie mind-control.

Seriously, why make it a match in the ring if none of the old farts can still go? Just have them all bump into Jillian Hall backstage and do the same skit. I guess I should have picked up that there wasn’t going to be a match when Windham and Rotondo came out dressed like they just came from a titty bar, but still.

- One other thing, how the hell are people booing the “Russia #1″ bit?! That should be getting a huge pop by now. I would figure nostalgia alone would get that over anywhere, but especially in a town like Milwaukee which, as I have mentioned here before, had a socialist mayor. They should be singing along with the goddam Soviet anthem.

- Warning, HHH‘s entrance on DVR fast forward may cause epileptic fits. Watching his matches on fast-forward, though, is fine and sometimes resembles actual normal-paced matches. Not against Kane though.

I used to like Kane. He was an agile big man about ten years ago. I really liked him as Fake Diesel as they let him do moves he wasn’t allowed to do in the Kane character or as Dr. Yankem. But now he’s a big stiff, immobile and slow. He can’t even sell simple moves anymore. It’s kinda sad because from everything you read, he is a nice guy. But sheesh. It’s five minutes of punch and kick. He would be right at home in Acclaim’s classic 1988 NES game, WrestleMania.

- Tomorrow night on ECW! Some guys no one knows, plus Tommy Dreamer will have a match, and it will actually have ECW rules for a change! One chair will be involved! It will be exactly like old ECW! Tune in!

- Listen, it’s not like I have a high standard for WWE women’s matches. I get it. They hire based on hotness, not wrestling talent, and all the training in the world won’t make them into a good wrestler. I can hit in a batting cage from now till 2025 and I will never be David Wright. WWE doesn’t care about whether the girls have talent — it’s all about eye candy.

But still, Melina is so much worse than the rest of them. Whenever her music comes on, I have to go get a sandwich, or something. She is so unbearably awful that I can feel my back twinge whenever she falls wrong or does some horribly executed suplex. She is, quite literally, so shitty that it hurts to watch.

The funniest part about WWE women’s matches is that NO ONE CARES. They get some of the hugest reactions when they come down the ramp, but during the matches you can hear a pin drop. You would think that maybe that would tell the WWE that they should either (a) have the shitty wrestling women stand on the ramp and just look hot, or (b) find some women who can actually wrestle and not just trade really bad phantom punches for three minutes, even if it means they’re a LITTLE less hot (Melina has a dogface anyway despite a really nice body). Hell, find some good wrestlers and stick some big bolt-on tits on them. But, no, they just keep trotting them out to injure the shit out of each other.

Oh, by the way, WWE, if you want to continue to get Beth Phoenix over as an unstoppable monster, it’s probably not such a great idea to have her stand next to the shortest male non-midget in the WWE, Santino Marella, and highlight the fact that she is way shorter than he is. Just a suggestion.

- Hey, maybe I am being manipulated by the WWE into hating Floyd Mayweather and markishly rooting for the Big Show to kick his ass. Maybe he is actually a Rhodes scholar, and is only pretending to come off like a tongue-twisted doofus just to infuriate the audience (“It’s possible that you may could hurt me.”). OK, my hunch is that is not the case since I don’t think the WWE is very good at executing these types of things. I think they intended for him to be the face, but he is such an unlikable little piece of shit that they wisely, for once, reversed course and went with the crowd.


Above: So dangerous, he injures himself.

But whatever — in this case I fully embrace my markishness because I can’t stand the marble-mouthed little fucker. I’m actually looking forward to this match because of what a douche bag he is. I’m not exactly a Big Show fan, but am I fucked up for hoping this little twerp winds up on the wrong side of a typically botched Big Show maneuver and legitimately breaks his ankle? I don’t think I am. And maybe it will prevent the WWE from doling out millions of dollars to celebrities with no wrestling ability. Or at least, if they do it, get guys who can navigate the stormy seas of an English sentence without hitting a verbal iceberg. The match will be shitty, regardless, but the drama of whether he will get a legit injury will keep my interest. In fact, I think the WWE should play up Big Show’s incompetence as a selling point to the match. If he can break his own neck attempting a moonsault, what do you think he can do to a 150 lb. boxer? He is like ten Ahmed Johnsons.

- YOUMANGA! Damn, I wish this guy was not a jobber/designated guy to throw out there to represent Vince McMahon in any angle. He is awesome. Also, William Regal saying YOUMANGA and TRIPLE HAYTCH would be great for a drinking game. As for Batista, how does he avoid the piss tests while Jeff Hardy gets caught?

- Oh cool, it is time for the fourth “WrestleMania Rewind” match, where we get to watch a match from an old WrestleMania which wasn’t any good the first time. Now it’s John Cena vs. Shawn Michaels! The least bad of these four so far. But still not good. Some stuff happens, five knuckle whozits, you can’t see something or other, tuning up the blah blah, then the match ends.

You know, Shawn Michaels is immensely talented. However, his entire arsenal is now limited to about five moves repeated in the same order, plus punches and kicks. I don’t know if it is because of age or the combined impact of injuries, or becoming a Jesus freak, or what. And he STILL has great ring instinct and stamina and he still has some great matches. But when he is in a match with a sack of potatoes like John Cena it really bogs the match down now, as opposed to the past when he could make any match with any old slob into a gem.

In summation, I am trying to remember a WrestleMania main event I cared about less than this one. Not having much success. All three guys are so bland and boring and all three guys have had long, bland, boring title reigns. Even Hulk Hogan/Sgt. Slaughter beats this one out, even though everyone knew Hogan was going to win, just because the anti-American Iraq stuff was so hilarious. So, a little help?

So…Pillman really didn't want to shoot Austin?

Browsing on YouTube this afternoon, I ran into a nice find. Remember that controversial skit between Steve Austin and Brian Pillman? You know. The one where Pillman pulled out a 9mm pistol on live television.

Well, I hate to break it to our loyal DoubleAxHandle fans.. but it was all fake! That’s right. The WWE lies to you and your children.

Here’s your proof (side note: It seems that this footage was taken from a live feed of Raw that was taped over an old episode of Nitro; as shown on the end of Part 2):

YouTube Preview Image

YouTube Preview Image

Raw… is… War Propaganda

Christmas Eve. The day people all over the world meet with relatives they can’t stand, to exchange shitty gifts nobody wants that will be returned over the next week, drink a slimy, alcoholic cum-like beverage, fuck each other’s wives, and get into drunken fistfights about politics.

McMahon Supports Our TroopsBut this year, Christmas Eve falls on a Monday, the same night as the flagship show of WWE programming. So meeting with the obnoxious shitheads in your family is only the second least entertaining thing in the world to do on this night! That means that no matter how bad your Christmas was, you can take heart in knowing that mine was worse because I was watching RAW. For you.

This year I get a double shot of suckitude, because the WWE is doing their annual two hour ad for the US Department of Defense show for the troops from Iraq. This has become a staple of WWE programming because it is a natural for the demographic: the only people left in America who are stupid enough to still support Bush and the war are WWE fans. I will run down the events for as long as I can keep from slitting my wrists from pseudo-patriotism.

- Chris Jericho carries Randy Orton through a boring but not terrible match. It is not announced whether this is for the title, but, I guess it doesn’t matter because everyone knows that what happens in Iraq does not happen in the “real” WWE. Kind of like when the WWE blew off all the heat from the invincibility of the Master Lock by letting an army guy who weighed about 90 pounds to break it, then ignoring that fact on all their shows later (“Lashley is the only man ever to break the Master Lock!!”). The WWE adopted this rule from the Bush Administration, who have been trying to get people to completely disregard things that happen in Iraq for 4 years.

JBL comes out to the ring at the most climactic part of the match, while Randy Orton is in Jericho’s finishing maneuver, to bore the shit out of everyone in the audience by talking, as he used to do on MSNBC before being fired for being a Nazi. Jericho falls asleep immediately, as anyone would under the circumstances, and JBL enters the ring unimpeded, for a DQ. Then Randy Orton’s music starts playing as Chris Jericho is announced as the winner.

Since this was a bizarre and inexplicable clusterfuck, and since WWE is usually good at production despite sucking at everything else, I can only assume that the WWE allowed the Bush administration to book this match and operate the PA and music, in a show of solidarity.

- Rey Misterio, Jr. thanks the troops for protecting our rights by fighting in Iraq. I agree with him, especially in light of the recently recovered documents which show that in 2003, Saddam Hussein was poised to invade the US with his WMD and powerful army, symbolically burning the Constitution on television and imposing martial law. Thank you troops for preventing this national nightmare! Now the Constitutional rights of Americans will never be in danger.

- I am glad Jeff Hardy is getting a push but I wonder why it is necessary to give him a ridiculous Ultimate Warrior face. “Well, we have to push this guy because 73% of the roster is suspended or injured. But can we at least make SOMETHING suck about him?”

santa- We interrupt this divas non-wrestling match to bring you a non-wrestling interview. Vince McMahon, who still believes Santa is real, interrupts the half-naked women rolling around in the ring by talking into a microphone. He is booed by the Army men who want to look at half-naked women, but this doesn’t make a lot of sense. It doesn’t make sense because the women they want to look at lustfully are still in the ring being half-naked and very easy to still look at. In fact now that Vince has interrupted the “match”, you have a much clearer look at their breasts and ass-cheeks, because they aren’t rolling around in the ring pretending to wrestle by grabbing each other’s hair; in fact they are just kind of standing still. It should be much easier to get a mental snapshot for later masturbatory purposes now that they aren’t performing badly executed, vertebrae-crunching suplexes on each other.

- Santa comes into the ring to interrupt Vince interrupting the divas match, which in turn interrupted the real purpose of this show, which is to show promo video packages supporting the US invasion of Iraq. In a larger sense, the entire show is an interruption of the normal flow of good taste in the universe.

Santa turns out to be John Cena! It takes Vince a few minutes, but he figures out that John Cena is not the real Santa. WWE, you can’t fool me. John Cena isn’t Santa Claus. Santa Claus can make it around the world delivering presents in 24 hours! John Cena can barely move around the ring without tripping over his own two clumsy ass feet.

- Interviews with troops saying that things are improving — you see, Iraqis aren’t ungrateful assholes anymore, like they were back in 2005. Nowadays, they really appreciate the US blowing the shit out of the country, removing the electricity and clean water, installing a repressive theocratic puppet regime, and killing hundreds of thousands of their citizens! And they can tell this, because when they drive around Iraq, little kids run up to their vehicles and almost get crushed by the ramps. No, I’m not making this shit up, someone really said it on television.

In light of this, I feel the WWE should host the next show for the troops outside the green zone, in the middle of Iraq without thousands of military around armed with guns and bombs. Why not?! It’s perfectly safe in Iraq, Vince McMahon said, and all the Iraqis love Americans! No bombs will go off and there wont be any beheadings or kidnappings. Little kids will run up and ask for autographs.

y2j
ABOVE: “Troops to Jericho: SAVE US!”

- Oh my. Chris Jericho comes out in favor of the war. Basically, I just learned from him that we had to invade Iraq because Saddam Hussein executed people for losing a soccer game. Good thing that nobody gets executed in Iraq now. Thanks to the war!! So since Saddam is dead, and everyone is safe, can we go home now?

Jokes aside, I know this is just fluff but I always liked Jericho and he usually adds some intellect to a doofy WWE show aimed at 8-year olds. Sorry to see him eagerly participating in this brainless bullshit.

- Rey Misterio is the “biggest underdog in WWE history.” Debatable, but I would have to go with fatass jobber Rusty Brooks vs. Hulk Hogan from Wrestling Challenge. Rey beats the fattest favorite in WWE history, Mark Henry.

mizark 1

- WWE Magazine presents John Cena reading off a teleprompter talking about powerful Army equipment, as if he is not a big dumb shithead pretending to be a military insider. Sgt. Cena informs us that they are in the middle of a very dangerous area, even though Iraq is perfectly safe from soccer-team executions, as I learned in the last segment from Chris Jericho.

He introduces a 22-year old serving his second tour of duty. What they did not mention is that his second tour of duty was made necessary because of all-time low recruiting levels for the US Armed Forces. This is partly because John Cena, of prime military fighting age and in excellent physical shape, is too much of a pussy to go to a recruiting station and sign up to fight in this all-important War for The Existence of Civilization Which Protects Our Freedoms from evil soccer-team-executing dictators. Come on John! Walk the walk! Pick up the rifle, Marine Boy!

hbk 1
ABOVE: “If you’re not down with genocide, we got two words for ya!”

- Shawn Michaels thinks the liberal media is not down with the troops and is causing the US to lose the war. <mark>BOOOOOOO LIBERAL MEDIA!!</mark> Tomorrow, on CNN, Democratic presidential candidates will debate to see who is the most down with the troops and which ones, by default, can suck it.

Of course Shawn Michaels, brainwashed Christianist husband of a Jesus-freak Nitro Girl that he is, also goes on the 700 Club, owned and operated by the guy who thinks homos, liberals and the ACLU pissed God off and caused 9/11. So, his views on the war are not exactly a big shock.

- In this match, the team representing wholesome American values will be Degeneration X. The evil anti-US terrorists who want to destroy our freedoms will be represented by Umaga, the noted Arab terrorist from Samoa, and Ken Kennedy, from Green Bay, Wisconsin. As you well know, Green Bay is only 20 miles from Milwaukee, which once had a socialist mayor. (“BOOOOOO!!”) And Wisconsin is entirely too close to Communist Canada with their national health care to be trusted. I think that tells you all you need to know about Mr. Kennedy, the most anti-American wrestler since Yokozuna, born and raised in the foreign land of Hawaii. So the side of Evil is represented well.

The match got a little tense. A few times during this match there were some near falls on DX, and we as a nation came perilously close to losing our freedoms. However in the end, Kennedy jobbed, the US prevailed. Our freedoms are once again safe. Crotch chops for the USA!

- One final montage with sappy pseudo-rock played over images of the troops mingling with wrestlers and having fun. Horrible bands like the Goo Goo Dolls and Creed were used over a montage for the 1,736,849,028,991th time in WWE history. A good time was had by all.

But then the swerve! The wrestlers get to go home, while the troops had to stay in the desert dodging roadside bombs for an undetermined length of time, only to come home to poor health care and veterans’ benefits cuts by Bush administration! Major Dusty-finish.

RAW… Is… Back-ne

flairboob

(ABOVE: Fig. 1, Carlito recoils in disgust at Flair’s bosom. Inset, FlairBoob in HD.)

The PW Torch reports (subscription required) that Smackdown and RAW are going to be going to HD starting early next year.

Ric Flair’s retirement could not be more perfectly timed for this announcement. I love the Naytch as much as the next guy, but the thought of his radioactive orange-tanned man-boobs jiggling with super-pixelization does not make me tingle with anticipation. And extended closeups of the squirmy veins in his forehead are bad enough in low-definition.

Some other people who might want to consider a graceful retirement before the new wave of technology sweeps over the WWE:

puppies
Mae Young

hacksaw
Hacksaw Jim Duggan

bigdaddyv1
Big Daddy V., formerly Mabel


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