BREAKING: Ric Flair attacked by bear

This guy likes Ric Flair a little too much

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There are diehard wrestling fans, and then marks. Marks make me embarrassed to say I like wrestling. I couldn’t find a better example then Youtube superstar thejericode0136. I don’t even know how I stumbled on this clip, but this guy clearly takes wrestling a little too seriously. A prime example of the downside of Youtube…anyone can just ramble for 10 minutes and get 4,000 views. This dude speaks like I did when I was eight years old talking into my mirror, except instead of a mirror this guy has a digital camera. Ahh, tehcnology.

It’s no secret how much we here at DoubleAxHandle respect Ric Flair, but this kid takes it a bit too seriously. Plus, he’s wearing a John Cena hat, which I assume he paid for, or more likely, his parents paid for. I could make fun of this guy, but a bunch of Youtube users already beat me to the punch. Some excerpts:

hey fattie want another cream cake
hav u heard of exercise or is that noexistant in america

*coughs* nerd

Hes a moron for;

1. wearing a John Cena hat
2. making this video
3. being fat
4. thinking wrestling is actually real
5. having a monotone voice
6. Orgasm over terry funk
7. carrying this video on for a second short of ten minutes
8. coming as close to bumming ric flair as possible
9. insulting 3 greats, Hogan, trips and Hart
10. Your a fag.

That was too much for jerichocode and he just had to respond to these accusations:

1.cena’s rocks but only smart fans understand that
2.got 4 honors people are watching
3.6 3 220 not fat
4.i dont i have forgot more about wrestling than most people know
5.true i saound like a chipmunk
6.nope cant say i have
7.ya f youtube it should of been 20mins
8.its called respect
9.hogan was really bad=khail in ring,hhh great in ring a superstar and had super matches but his backstage bs and not putting people over isnt cool,hart he should of jobbed to hbk when asked
10 married with kids

When he says “married with kids” he really means he kindaps single mothers and their children.

LOLWrestlers — LOLMania XXIV

lolkim

lolposture

lolpenisfoot

lollegend

lolbeez

lolshawnflair

lolslut

lolregal

lolfamily

lolpunk

*COMEDIC PHOTOJOURNALISM INTEGRITY NOTE: Picture 9 flipped horizontally, because the joke doesn’t work so good from right to left. — Buff

Place Your Bets

WrestleMania has been called the Super Bowl of wrestling. And there are definitely similarities. For example, just like with WrestleMania, there is usually about a month’s worth of hype for the Super Bowl and, this year aside, compared to all the hype, the Super Bowl is usually a boring, anticlimactic mess just like WrestleMania. Also, in the Super Bowl, just like in WrestleMania, there are usually about 15 minutes of the event that wind up being worth watching. Another similarity is that the Super Bowl airs on broadcast television for free, much like WrestleMania airs for free on WWE television for the following several weeks after they have convinced several thousand suckers to pay $60 for it.

However the biggest difference between the two is that the degenerate fans of football will bet on anything from the final score of the Super Bowl, to the number of punts, to the coin toss. The degenerate fans of wrestling don’t have anything to bet on since the outcomes are predetermined. But wouldn’t it be nice if we could bet on all the dumb stuff that will happen? Here is the betting line for WrestleMania XXIV.


“What a devastating sidewalk slam!” — Michael Cole

MISCELLANEOUS
Over/under on the percentage of successful attempts by Mike Adamle to pronounce the names of wrestlers he has never heard of until bell time: 18%
Over/under on the number of visible eyebags on Mike Adamle despite the best efforts of a highly paid WWE makeup staff: 3.5
Chances that the worst match (“BunnyMania” women’s tag match) will last longer than the best match (“Money in the Bank”): 50%
Chances that the WWE will produce some dumbass skit featuring 1980s wrestlers, identical to the 150 other skits they have produced in the past five years: 91%
Over/under on the percentage of moves Michael Cole incorrectly calls a sidewalk slam: 84.5%
Over/under on the total number of minutes of the show spent watching restholds: 47
Over under on the number of minutes taken up by replaying things we’ve already seen on television: 37 Chances that Aretha Franklin will sneak into the backstage area by claiming to be Big Daddy V, do a heel turn, attack John Legend, and take his place singing America the Beautiful: 1% (but we can hope)


Above: America the Not-So-Beautiful.

HALL OF FAME INDUCTION
Over/under on how many inappropriate chants happen during the Hall of Fame ceremony: 15
Chances that Mae Young will go topless while accepting her HOF induction: 89%
Chances that anyone will mention, during Peter Maivia and Rocky Johnson’s induction, how offensive their gimmicks were: 0.00000004%
Chances of someone saying “WWF” during the show: 63%

BUNNYMANIA
Over/under on the total number of wrestling moves executed correctly in the women’s match, by anyone other than Beth Phoenix: 1.5
Chances that the most entertaining thing about the women’s match is:

  • Santino Marella getting on the mic: 75%
  • Nipple slip or butt-crack exposure: 25%
  • Anything wrestling-related: 0%


Above: Pin dropping (can be heard
during WWE women’s matches).

Chances that Snoop Dogg will say something in an interview that indicates he hasn’t watched any wrestling since WrestleMania IV: 83%
Chances of Snoop Dogg specifically saying “WWF”: 97.2%
Chances that the crowd reaction at any given time during the actual match is greater than the reaction during the women’s entrances: 8%
Chances of a fart being heard from the audience because they are so silent during this match: 47%
Chances of sudden torrential downpour in the open-air Orange Citrus Bowl improving this match: 97%


Fig. 1: Unstoppable force.

24-MAN BATTLE ROYALE
Over/under on the number of times that Snitsky, even though he is flabby, out of shape, only 2 inches or so taller than the average WWE wrestler, and has lost every televised match he has been involved in for 6 years, will be portrayed as an unstoppable monster: 14
Over/under on the length of time The Great Khali is in the ring before sustaining a continuous “BOO” becomes a vocal impossibility for the crowd: 4:27
Over/under on the length of time the Great Khali will remain in the match before awkwardly stepping over the top rope and pretending to be eliminated: 15:29 (11 minutes past the continuous booing threshhold)
Chances that Hacksaw Jim Duggan will get a better fan reaction than anyone else in the match: 81%

UMAGA vs. BATISTA
Over/under on the number of times that any of the announcers assert their balls in the “my brand is better than your brand” debate, even though all three brands appear on each other’s shows constantly: 19.5
Chances that Umaga stares at a piece of simple electronic equipment in wonderment and awe, as if it is a god that fell to earth, even though he wrestles in arenas full of electrical equipment 250 days a year: 57%
Chances that Umaga’s incoherent rambling in Samoan is more understandable than Batista’s pre-match promo: 92%
Over/under on the number of chair-shots or other vicious blows to the head which Umaga will no-sell because he is supposed to be a Samoan with a stereotypically rock hard head: 4
Over/under on the number of simple fists to the head Umaga will sell as legit, and stagger, even though he seemingly cannot be hurt in the head by a chair: 34
Over/under on the number of times the announcers refer to Umaga as “unstoppable” or a similar adjective, even though, like Snitsky, he never wins a match except against 150 lb. jobbers: 11
Over/under on the increase in popcorn sales during Batista’s offensive sequences: 35%

BELFAST BRAWL
Chances that JBL’s intro/ring entrance will last longer than the time elapsed in the match before he needs a resthold break: 74%
Chances of anyone expressing any interest in who Vince McMahon’s real bastard son is, now that Finley is Hornswoggle’s father: 4%

ECW CHAMPIONSHIP
Chances that one of the two guys fighting over the ECW title will be from ECW: 12%
Chances that WWE will update their website to include “ECW Champion” under Chavo’s “list of career highlights” before he loses the belt: 2%

MAYWEATHER vs. BIG SHOW
Chances that Big Show just says “fuck it” and legitimately snaps Mayweather in half: 6%
Chances that Big Show plays it by the book, but still clumsily gives Mayweather a legitimate injury by accident: 64%
Over/under on the number of people watching who are hoping one of the above happens: 257,951
Chances that Mayweather gets through a complete sentence without mumbling, stuttering, or some other miscue in his pre-match promo: 0.004%
Chances of Mayweather saying “WWF”: 28%
Chances of the winner of the Money in the Bank match using his title shot to challenge Mayweather for his boxing title after he is laying in a mangled heap in the ring: 0% (and yet, way more entertaining than whatever really happens)

RIC FLAIR vs. SHAWN MICHAELS
Chances that Vince McMahon can restrain himself from appearing in the climax of this match, and imprinting himself on Ric Flair’s moment of glory into retirement: 1%


Above: More mobile than MVP.

MONEY IN THE BANK
Chances that MVP ever actually gets on the ladder: 40%
Chances that MVP takes a respectable bump involving the ladder: 21%
Chances that MVP tries to put the ladder in a chinlock: 91%
Chances that someone will use the money in the bank privileges to challenge for:

  • The RAW title: 60%
  • The Smackdown title: 31%
  • The women’s championship: 5%
  • One of the fake belts that are sold at WWE concession stands: 2%
  • The belt holding Jerry Lawler’s pants up: 0.999995%
  • The ECW title: .000005%


Who will be the lesser of three boredoms?

RANDY ORTON vs. JOHN CENA vs. HHH
Chances that JR or someone else will say that this match is “unprecedented” or “historic” — even though we have been seeing thousands of different boring permutations of these three guys fighting each other on RAW for what seems like about 3½ years now: 99.7%
Over/under on the number of people in the crowd and home audience rooting for the guy they dislike the least: 194,000
Chances that at some point HHH and Randy Orton will both have to bring the action to a screeching halt, lie still and pretend to be incapacitated for a ridiculously long amount of time, after a simple move like a side suplex, so that John Cena can perform a five knuckle shuffle: 83%
Chances that John Cena does a “military salute” with the wrong hand again: 50%
Chances that HHH will hit someone with a sledgehammer in a completely non-threatening way like running it into their gut, or use the less-damaging stick end of it: 71%
Chances that HHH will actually use a sledgehammer the way someone would use it if it was a real fight, by swinging it like a baseball bat: 0%
Chances that anyone will point out that using a sledgehammer isn’t as badass as it sounds, if you’re going to use it in the safest possible way for your opponent: 0%
Chances that there will be another massive wave of steroid suspensions in the WWE between now and bell time, and they will have to replace the main eventers with The Miz, Sho Funaki, and Jimmy Wang Yang: 9%

Got any hot tips to add to the betting line for WrestleMania? Stick ‘em in the comments and I will post any good ones. (Don’t worry if it’s after WrestleMania is over. This doesn’t have to make any sense, it’s about the WWE!!)

The Nature Boy is a cunning linguist

We’re less than 48 hours away from the biggest ripoff of the year, which will most likely feature the retirement of the greatest wrestler of all time, Ric Flair.

Now much like the the title of this post says, Flair was one cunning linguist. Some people would even argue that Flair is a poet. One of those people would most likely be an online Flair advocate who goes by the alias of Poodleface who has edited together two masterpieces showing off Flair’s (what the hip hoppers call) mad flow

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LOLWrestlers VI — LOLfire and Brimstone

lolhhh

lolv

lolketchup

lolyokozuna

lolkamala2

lolpiper

The Stylin’ and Profilin’ Elbow

http://www.dailymotion.com/videox1wqw8

It’s sad to think that we are about a month away from Ric Flair‘s final match. Here is a moment from a few years ago, where the wheelin’-dealin-kiss-stealin-limousine-riding-jet-flying-son-of-a-gun and the People’s Champ, The Rock squaring off for (if memory serves correct) the only time. Unfortunately, it was in a handicapped tag match with the Rock-n-Sock Connection taking on 3/4ths of Evolution. The Nature Boy is not to be outdone by the most electrifying move in sports entertainment, as he puts his own spin on things. Can I get a Woo!?

Ric Flair Winning The WWF Title

As we head closer to Wrestlemania, we are being constantly reminded that Ric Flair is approaching the end of his career. This past Monday night on Raw, Shawn Michaels announced Ric Flair as the first inductee for the 2008 WWE Hall of Fame. This makes Ric Flair the first active wrestler to be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame.

In recent weeks, we’ve been rewinding to some of Ric Flair’s greatest moments. To keep the tradition going, here is another great Ric Flair moment from the 1992 Royal Rumble; where Ric Flair captured the World Wrestling Federation title to become the undisputed heavyweight champion.

Here is some back-story for this match. Ric Flair joined the World Wrestling Federation in 1991, proclaiming himself “The Real World Heavyweight Champion.” Just months earlier, Flair was a top draw for WCW. Departing WCW stemming from a contractual dispute, Flair jumped to the WWF. Bearing the WCW/NWA World Championship and carrying it on WWF television was huge. Ric Flair instantly became a top heel in the WWF, with Bobby Hennan and “Mr. Perfect” Curt Hennig as his “consultants.”

This all cumulated at the 1992 Royal Rumble, where Ric Flair won the Rumble Match to claim the vacant WWF Championship and become the undisputed champion. Flair lasted 59 minutes, eliminating Sid Justice with help from Hulk Hogan. This was the first and only time the WWF or WWE Championship was on the line in the Royal Rumble match. The championship was vacated in December 1991 because of the controversial finish to the Hulk Hogan vs. The Undertaker match during This Tuesday in Texas.

This is truly a historical moment, with a great post-match promo and video package that follows:

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Ricky Morton gets his training bra back

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It’s no secret that the Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaytcha Boy is set to hang up the boots for good pretty soon (probably at Wrestle Mania) so from now on, we will be posting video clips old and new showcasing the greatest professional wrestler in the history of the sport. The man could do no wrong, and its hard to imagine not seeing Ric Flair on TV in the near future. Here’s one for good measure: Woo!

RAW… Is… Back-ne

flairboob

(ABOVE: Fig. 1, Carlito recoils in disgust at Flair’s bosom. Inset, FlairBoob in HD.)

The PW Torch reports (subscription required) that Smackdown and RAW are going to be going to HD starting early next year.

Ric Flair’s retirement could not be more perfectly timed for this announcement. I love the Naytch as much as the next guy, but the thought of his radioactive orange-tanned man-boobs jiggling with super-pixelization does not make me tingle with anticipation. And extended closeups of the squirmy veins in his forehead are bad enough in low-definition.

Some other people who might want to consider a graceful retirement before the new wave of technology sweeps over the WWE:

puppies
Mae Young

hacksaw
Hacksaw Jim Duggan

bigdaddyv1
Big Daddy V., formerly Mabel


Speaking Out

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