LOLWrestlers — LOLMania XXIV











*COMEDIC PHOTOJOURNALISM INTEGRITY NOTE: Picture 9 flipped horizontally, because the joke doesn’t work so good from right to left. — Buff

Place Your Bets

WrestleMania has been called the Super Bowl of wrestling. And there are definitely similarities. For example, just like with WrestleMania, there is usually about a month’s worth of hype for the Super Bowl and, this year aside, compared to all the hype, the Super Bowl is usually a boring, anticlimactic mess just like WrestleMania. Also, in the Super Bowl, just like in WrestleMania, there are usually about 15 minutes of the event that wind up being worth watching. Another similarity is that the Super Bowl airs on broadcast television for free, much like WrestleMania airs for free on WWE television for the following several weeks after they have convinced several thousand suckers to pay $60 for it.

However the biggest difference between the two is that the degenerate fans of football will bet on anything from the final score of the Super Bowl, to the number of punts, to the coin toss. The degenerate fans of wrestling don’t have anything to bet on since the outcomes are predetermined. But wouldn’t it be nice if we could bet on all the dumb stuff that will happen? Here is the betting line for WrestleMania XXIV.

“What a devastating sidewalk slam!” — Michael Cole

Over/under on the percentage of successful attempts by Mike Adamle to pronounce the names of wrestlers he has never heard of until bell time: 18%
Over/under on the number of visible eyebags on Mike Adamle despite the best efforts of a highly paid WWE makeup staff: 3.5
Chances that the worst match (“BunnyMania” women’s tag match) will last longer than the best match (“Money in the Bank”): 50%
Chances that the WWE will produce some dumbass skit featuring 1980s wrestlers, identical to the 150 other skits they have produced in the past five years: 91%
Over/under on the percentage of moves Michael Cole incorrectly calls a sidewalk slam: 84.5%
Over/under on the total number of minutes of the show spent watching restholds: 47
Over under on the number of minutes taken up by replaying things we’ve already seen on television: 37 Chances that Aretha Franklin will sneak into the backstage area by claiming to be Big Daddy V, do a heel turn, attack John Legend, and take his place singing America the Beautiful: 1% (but we can hope)

Above: America the Not-So-Beautiful.

Over/under on how many inappropriate chants happen during the Hall of Fame ceremony: 15
Chances that Mae Young will go topless while accepting her HOF induction: 89%
Chances that anyone will mention, during Peter Maivia and Rocky Johnson’s induction, how offensive their gimmicks were: 0.00000004%
Chances of someone saying “WWF” during the show: 63%

Over/under on the total number of wrestling moves executed correctly in the women’s match, by anyone other than Beth Phoenix: 1.5
Chances that the most entertaining thing about the women’s match is:

  • Santino Marella getting on the mic: 75%
  • Nipple slip or butt-crack exposure: 25%
  • Anything wrestling-related: 0%

Above: Pin dropping (can be heard
during WWE women’s matches).

Chances that Snoop Dogg will say something in an interview that indicates he hasn’t watched any wrestling since WrestleMania IV: 83%
Chances of Snoop Dogg specifically saying “WWF”: 97.2%
Chances that the crowd reaction at any given time during the actual match is greater than the reaction during the women’s entrances: 8%
Chances of a fart being heard from the audience because they are so silent during this match: 47%
Chances of sudden torrential downpour in the open-air Orange Citrus Bowl improving this match: 97%

Fig. 1: Unstoppable force.

Over/under on the number of times that Snitsky, even though he is flabby, out of shape, only 2 inches or so taller than the average WWE wrestler, and has lost every televised match he has been involved in for 6 years, will be portrayed as an unstoppable monster: 14
Over/under on the length of time The Great Khali is in the ring before sustaining a continuous “BOO” becomes a vocal impossibility for the crowd: 4:27
Over/under on the length of time the Great Khali will remain in the match before awkwardly stepping over the top rope and pretending to be eliminated: 15:29 (11 minutes past the continuous booing threshhold)
Chances that Hacksaw Jim Duggan will get a better fan reaction than anyone else in the match: 81%

Over/under on the number of times that any of the announcers assert their balls in the “my brand is better than your brand” debate, even though all three brands appear on each other’s shows constantly: 19.5
Chances that Umaga stares at a piece of simple electronic equipment in wonderment and awe, as if it is a god that fell to earth, even though he wrestles in arenas full of electrical equipment 250 days a year: 57%
Chances that Umaga’s incoherent rambling in Samoan is more understandable than Batista’s pre-match promo: 92%
Over/under on the number of chair-shots or other vicious blows to the head which Umaga will no-sell because he is supposed to be a Samoan with a stereotypically rock hard head: 4
Over/under on the number of simple fists to the head Umaga will sell as legit, and stagger, even though he seemingly cannot be hurt in the head by a chair: 34
Over/under on the number of times the announcers refer to Umaga as “unstoppable” or a similar adjective, even though, like Snitsky, he never wins a match except against 150 lb. jobbers: 11
Over/under on the increase in popcorn sales during Batista’s offensive sequences: 35%

Chances that JBL’s intro/ring entrance will last longer than the time elapsed in the match before he needs a resthold break: 74%
Chances of anyone expressing any interest in who Vince McMahon’s real bastard son is, now that Finley is Hornswoggle’s father: 4%

Chances that one of the two guys fighting over the ECW title will be from ECW: 12%
Chances that WWE will update their website to include “ECW Champion” under Chavo’s “list of career highlights” before he loses the belt: 2%

Chances that Big Show just says “fuck it” and legitimately snaps Mayweather in half: 6%
Chances that Big Show plays it by the book, but still clumsily gives Mayweather a legitimate injury by accident: 64%
Over/under on the number of people watching who are hoping one of the above happens: 257,951
Chances that Mayweather gets through a complete sentence without mumbling, stuttering, or some other miscue in his pre-match promo: 0.004%
Chances of Mayweather saying “WWF”: 28%
Chances of the winner of the Money in the Bank match using his title shot to challenge Mayweather for his boxing title after he is laying in a mangled heap in the ring: 0% (and yet, way more entertaining than whatever really happens)

Chances that Vince McMahon can restrain himself from appearing in the climax of this match, and imprinting himself on Ric Flair’s moment of glory into retirement: 1%

Above: More mobile than MVP.

Chances that MVP ever actually gets on the ladder: 40%
Chances that MVP takes a respectable bump involving the ladder: 21%
Chances that MVP tries to put the ladder in a chinlock: 91%
Chances that someone will use the money in the bank privileges to challenge for:

  • The RAW title: 60%
  • The Smackdown title: 31%
  • The women’s championship: 5%
  • One of the fake belts that are sold at WWE concession stands: 2%
  • The belt holding Jerry Lawler’s pants up: 0.999995%
  • The ECW title: .000005%

Who will be the lesser of three boredoms?

Chances that JR or someone else will say that this match is “unprecedented” or “historic” — even though we have been seeing thousands of different boring permutations of these three guys fighting each other on RAW for what seems like about 3½ years now: 99.7%
Over/under on the number of people in the crowd and home audience rooting for the guy they dislike the least: 194,000
Chances that at some point HHH and Randy Orton will both have to bring the action to a screeching halt, lie still and pretend to be incapacitated for a ridiculously long amount of time, after a simple move like a side suplex, so that John Cena can perform a five knuckle shuffle: 83%
Chances that John Cena does a “military salute” with the wrong hand again: 50%
Chances that HHH will hit someone with a sledgehammer in a completely non-threatening way like running it into their gut, or use the less-damaging stick end of it: 71%
Chances that HHH will actually use a sledgehammer the way someone would use it if it was a real fight, by swinging it like a baseball bat: 0%
Chances that anyone will point out that using a sledgehammer isn’t as badass as it sounds, if you’re going to use it in the safest possible way for your opponent: 0%
Chances that there will be another massive wave of steroid suspensions in the WWE between now and bell time, and they will have to replace the main eventers with The Miz, Sho Funaki, and Jimmy Wang Yang: 9%

Got any hot tips to add to the betting line for WrestleMania? Stick ‘em in the comments and I will post any good ones. (Don’t worry if it’s after WrestleMania is over. This doesn’t have to make any sense, it’s about the WWE!!)

Dogg Meets Turkey

Well, the sun came up today! You know what that means — some dumb shit must be happening at

(Above: Snoop Dogg (l), thug in a polo shirt (r))

It’s been a while since we have looked in on WWE Superstar to Superstar, a feature in which celebrities lower themselves to appearing on WWE media to hawk their upcoming movie or album, agreeing to be  interviewed by some dumbass wrestler. In the early days of this blog, we covered the extremely shitty MVP interviewing his shitty counterpart in the music world, from the Black Eyed Peas.  Now, we dig into the archives and discover that preppie-masquerading-as-a-gangsta, John Cena, once interviewed ex-gangsta-turned-commercial-pop-sellout Snoop Dogg.

I was about to write an introduction to this piece, but quite honestly nothing I write can possibly be funnier than WWE’s own introduction to the original interview:

For the second installment of’s Superstar to Superstar, WWE Champion John Cena took a few moments to talk to fellow hip-hop artist Snoop Dogg. (emphasis added)


Yes, you read that right — “fellow hip-hop artist.” John Cena is Snoop Dogg’s “fellow hip-hop artist.” I believe in much in the same way that Isaac Yankem meets a “fellow dentist” when he goes to get a root canal, or Irwin R. Schyster goes to see his “fellow CPA” at tax time.

John Cena: Hey, Snoop, what’s happenin’, man?

Snoop Dogg: Good, how you doin’?

Cena: Starting out, is there anything you want to say to our viewers on The album is out, it’s available, it’s in stores. I’ve got it and it is unbelievable, man. I kind of walked through the story of the album. You do a lot of things in this thing. You keep it hard, with tracks by The Game and Ice Cube. You’re having some fun with Akon. You’re sending a message, too, man – you got Stevie Wonder on there.

I agree, Stevie Wonder and Akon on the same album sends a message. The message is, “Let’s fuck lots of whores with ass implants, perform illegal sex acts on stage, then pray for world peace.”

Snoop: Well, you know, basically, it’s Snoop Dogg all wrapped up in one.

In case you think Snoop is misusing a common phrase in the English language, as in “(Thing 1), (thing 2), … (thing “n”) all wrapped up into one”, using it to apply to one thing only which defeats the purpose of the saying, let me set you fools straight. Snoop actually hired a team of geneticists to clone him 7 times, then wrap up all 8 versions of himself up into one superhuman Snoop Dogg before recording this album. Suck on THAT, pedantic bitch-ass linguists.

Snoop: If you know Snoop Dogg, you know he do it every which way – he do it in his own exiting way, and that’s what this record is representing. It’s just a piece of me in every style that you always love me in, whether it’s gangsta, whether it’s with a message, whether it’s something for the ladies, whether it’s something for the club, whether it’s something just to get you hyped up before you go out there and whoop some ass as a wrestler, you understand what I’m saying?

Cena: That is indeed what I’m saying, man. Honestly, I was truly, truly taken back. You got 21 joints in this album. And that is indeed 21 true joints.

Say what you want about John Cena, but you have to give him credit for one thing — he has the lingo down. If there is anything that screams “street cred”, it is using the word “indeed“. A word that can thug out any sentence immediately.

“INDEED?! Seriously? Come on, that’s like the one thing I say.”

- “Today, I was not at all, even in the slightest, predisposed to make use of my A.K. Indeed, one would have to declare it a good day.”

- “She’ll avail herself of my money/when I’m in need/Oh, she certainly is a woman of ill repute and questionable morals, indeed.”

- “Indeed, fuck yo couch.”

Cena: I want to take a second to just talk about Track 18, called “Beat Up on Yo Pads.” Obviously this is something that is near and dear to you. This is a direct shoutout to the kids involved in the Snoop Football League. You want to talk about that for a second?

“I want to take a second to talk about this song, which I was not prompted at all to do by your PR people. I also have the track number memorized, to prove that I have listened to this album many hundreds of times. Please talk about the meaning behind this song, which I did not plan to ask you about in any way in a preparatory pre-interview.”

Snoop: Yes, sir. Like I said, when I made that song it took me back to when I was a youngster and me and my homies, we used to just sit around and beat on our pads and try to make beats and come out with those sayings about the team that we was ready to play and how good we was.

You know, when Snoop Dogg talks about his life in the streets, I can’t help think how similar it is to the upbringing of John Cena, who used to sit around with his homies in the halls of his preparatory boarding school, making hip-hop beats by kicking the minority servants if they did not bring the chamomile tea piping hot, blasting Mozart from their Bentleys, and coming up with Latin verb conjugations that would intimidate the opposing polo team.

They’re really like two peas in a pod.

Cena: This is a joint I heard that really put a good sense about the whole album on me. This is something that you got everybody listening to the Snoop Dogg.

Me personally, I like to listen to “the Snoop Dogg”, right after I listen to “the ABBA”, and immediately before I turn on “the Slayer” or “the Dave Matthews”.

Cena: Literally you have done so much for the game of hip-hop and kind of overextended the normal boundaries. Seriously, you are pretty much a household name in the industry of hip-hop, so you got a lot of people listening to this. This is the type of joint that can make everybody say that although you are talking about truth at points, you are talking about what’s real.

“Although you are talking about truth at points, you are talking about what’s real.” Give me a moment here, as I make the necessary adjustments to help me understand this turn of phrase.

***conks self on head with gigantic cartoon mallet until a Fred Flintstone lump appears and birds circle head***

OK, now it all makes sense. Truth, with the real, at points, joint, joint, joint, game of hip-hop. Indeed, son.

Cena: You’re still moving in a positive direction and sending a positive message, especially to the youth out there who have a choice on which way to go with their lives.

Much like you, John Cena! You send the message that you don’t actually have to excel at the profession you’re in to rise to the top of it. Just stick your nose way up your boss’s ass, and you can be promoted with company propaganda as the most popular wrestler in your company even though everyone in the audience over the age of 16 thinks you suck and audibly boos you all the time.

Above: Slightly less kindhearted and
caring than Snoop Dogg.

Snoop: Yeah, you know that even in your profession, there’s so many kids that look up to us when they see us on TV and they aspire upon what we do. A lot of times we never get a chance to say how much they mean to us and how much we want them to learn from what we’ve been through and what we’re doing. That’s why I wanted to take time to make a song and pour my heart all into it. Trying to get at a kid one-on-one, that’s too hard. I’d rather get to all of them at one time.

This is actually getting me a little misty eyed. I didn’t see it at the time, but when he wrote “When a bitch get a attitude, pop it like it’s hot” I can see that he was really putting his heart on the line for the children. Same with “Bitchez ain’t shit but hoez and tricks” — that one really spoke to the youth of America, I thought. It takes a special kind of artist to put his credibility and critical acclaim on the line to make such soul-searching work.

Cena: I noticed there’s a lot of guest appearances on this album, and only a few new dogs on this thing. A lot of your old crew – you got MC Eiht, E-40, you got Kurupt, Nate Dogg, R. Kelly – the list goes on and on,

…and I am not reading it off of notes on my hand…

Cena: but it’s mostly people you’ve been down with since day one. What is your current view on the state of hip-hop as a whole?

Snoop: I think the state of hip-hop is in a great biz, right now it’s on. You used to have rappers come in the game and want to own a gold chain and a car, now they coming into the game owning their own record company, they own publishing, they own a clothing line, they get movie deals. They’re really establishing themselves as conglomerates and really making mass amounts of money, and really making an impression on the world.

Soon to appear on the Forbes 500.

That's nice. Everyone's conglomerating so the state of hip-hop is great. Awesome. Any opinion on what the fucking music sounds like? I seem to remember that the term "hip-hop" used to refer to something other than clothing lines. I might have missed it, but maybe he slipped it in there between "conglomerates" and "mass amounts of money".Remember when musical acts were frowned upon for being commercial? Like, Metallica became a joke and alienated their fanbase, because they became so ridiculously over the top sold-out. It doesn't seem like that long ago to me. Now, in any genre really, not just rap, it seems like you're a huge pussy if you aren't a mass-produced ringtone factory.At any rate, hip-hop will never die, it will just merge with General Electric I guess. Conglomerate on, Snoop:

Snoop: So the state of hip-hop is in the best state it’s ever been because there’s more money involved, there’s more business involved. There’s more creativity because you’re starting to look at commercials on TV now, and it has to have hip-hop involved in it, whether it’s old school or new school. You have to take a piece of hip-hop and put it in a part of everything, or nothing sells. We sell everything, you understand what I’m saying?

Yes, I understand Snoop, you sell EVERYTHING. Even to the point of whoring yourself out so low to sell your album that you do an interview with a lame-ass butt-kissing cracka like John Cena. Someone you probably would have shot on sight if he tried to talk to you 15 years ago, or put him in a dress and made his bitch ass walk the track.


Snoop: It’s a beautiful thing to see that even hip-hop has even reached off into the wrestling world. Me and my son, we love you for what you doing, for real.
Cena: Thank you, man. (Laughs.)

Really? What's he watching? Was Cryme Tyme standing behind Cena when he said this? Remind me when was the last time John Cena rapped on television.

Ooh, I just realized, maybe he means Cena is "hip-hop" in the new sense having nothing to do with music, about conglomerating and being a corporate shilling whore.

Snoop: We just did a little thing the other day, and they was asking, they wanted him to talk in-depth and he don’t really speak in-depth. They was like, “Who you like? Who are your favorite wrestlers?” He was like, “John Cena.” They were like, “Why?” He was like, “’Cause he tight!” They was like, “No, explain why.” He was like, “He just tight!” to explain – it’s like transcending.

Amazingly, Snoop Dogg's son has a better vocabulary than most other John Cena fans.

Snoop: They like, “Why you like him?” He said, “’Cause he can rap good and he wrestles.”

Wow. Someone get his son some actual footage of John Cena so he can rethink that statement before going on record. He can rap good and he wrestles are two things John Cena most definitely does not do. Maybe he meant "he wears chains and a football jersey, and he does restholds". Or maybe WWE spliced some footage of KRS-1 into a Flair-Steamboat match and showed it to Snoop's son, telling him it was John Cena as a cruel joke on a youngster.

Snoop: And I’m gonna tell you, if you wasn’t doing what you supposed to be doing, we wouldn’t be doing this interview.
Cena: Exactly.

Maybe I am crazy, but the way I read that was that Snoop wouldn't be paired up with this jive ass honky for this interview, if said honky didn't have a fake hip-hop image created out of thin air by Vince McMahon. If not for his bullshit gimmick, he would be interviewing Panic at the Disco. Of course Cena assumes it is a compliment and wholeheartedly agrees.

OK, our crack research team has handed me a note in answer to my earlier request to remind me when the last time John Cena actually rapped was, and apparently it is so long ago that very little footage of this exists anymore. I believe the last time that Snoop Dogg saw John Cena on television was 2002.

Actually I'm starting to think that Snoop Dogg doesn't actually watch WWE and *might* be doing this interview just to get publicity. Don't quote me on that.

Snoop: I love what you doing and how you doing it. You doing it in a real fly way. I even said something to the effect of you could even get Snoop Dogg in a wrestling uniform and we could tag team.

Wrestling uniform?! OK, my earlier assessment may have been wrong... Now, I think Snoop Dogg has never actually seen a WWE show because he thinks that the wrestlers wear "uniforms". Or maybe he only saw one episode of WWE wrestling and it was "The RAW Bowl".

YouTube Preview Image

Cena: Ah, I might call in that favor, man. I’ll be honest with you, never say never on that one.
Snoop: Yeah, you call in that favor. Just hold him up and let me slap the s*** out of him and I’ll walk up out the ring. (Laughs.) For real.

What a fresh and interesting direction to go with this interview. I have never seen this type of banter template used before in this way.

CELEBRITY: I would one day like to wrestle with you.

WRESTLER: Indeed, that would be a fine idea.

CELEBRITY: No, I really mean it. I'm totally not saying it because this is the part I have to adlib in, and I can't think of any other fun way to interact with you because you are a dumb wrestler. I am really serious. We could do a flying drop kick and body slams like Sandy the Macho Man, and Andrew the Giant.

Cena: That’s my Dogg. (Laughs.) I’m not going to take anymore of your time. I just wanted to say on a personal note, Track 20 with you and Dre back together, is awesome for me, man. That is the bomb on the whole album.

Above: People who "get" John Cena's lingo.

OK. I know the point of this whole thing is mockery. But honestly it's painful to me to read John "Mr. Street Cred Rapper" Cena's misuse of street slang. First of all, no one has said "the bomb" without irony in about 15 years -- I think I heard it on a rerun of The Fresh Prince the other day. Secondly, even back when your target audience's parents used to use that phrase, it was not used that way ("That is the bomb on the whole album"). It just sounds like you are using regular non-slang English and saying that song is the bomb of the album, i.e., shitty.

I think the whole album is tight. You brought out names – the list of cameos is unbelievable. You truly did roll out the “Blue Carpet.” It’s good to see you back doing your thing. I want to let WWE fans know the album is in stores now, they can go cop it.

Yes, definitely go "cop" it. It's "the bomb". Then you can put it on and "get jiggy with it", while you "rap to some fly slimmies" and don't forget to wear your "jimmy hat" when you "do the wild thing". Word is bond, yo.

Cena: You could tell, you could tell that, man. Every song on the album’s got a story and every story is great, man. Snoop, I want to thank you very much for your time. I know WWE is going to check it out and enjoy it.
Snoop: And big John Cena, there’s only nothin’ to it but to do it. If you ever need somebody’s ass kicked on the DL, holla at me.
Cena: You got it, man. Tha Blue Carpet Treatment, in stores now. The animated The Adventures of Tha Blue Carpet Treatment, look for it in March. But I’m telling you, Blue Carpet Treatment is out and it is very, very heavy, in stores now. Snoop, thank you so much, I appreciate it.
Snoop: Good luck. And John, be good.

But not at wrestling! You might lose your job and have to support yourself by rapping.

Speaking Out


Abyss andre the giant ashley awesome Batista Beth Phoenix big daddy v big show bobby heenan Bret Hart candace michelle chris jericho chyna ECW elizabeth floyd mayweather georgia gobbledygooker GREAT KHALI hacksaw jim duggan hulk hogan jim ross John Cena kurt angle LOLWrestlers mae young maria michael cole Randy Orton randy savage RAW ric flair roh santino marella snoop dogg Steroids taint Ultimate Warrior vince mcmahon WCW WORSTLEMANIA WrestleMania wrestling WWE WWF