Browsing on YouTube this afternoon, I ran into a nice find. Remember that controversial skit between Steve Austin and Brian Pillman? You know. The one where Pillman pulled out a 9mm pistol on live television.

Well, I hate to break it to our loyal DoubleAxHandle fans.. but it was all fake! That’s right. The WWE lies to you and your children.

Here’s your proof (side note: It seems that this footage was taken from a live feed of Raw that was taped over an old episode of Nitro; as shown on the end of Part 2):

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Christmas Eve. The day people all over the world meet with relatives they can’t stand, to exchange shitty gifts nobody wants that will be returned over the next week, drink a slimy, alcoholic cum-like beverage, fuck each other’s wives, and get into drunken fistfights about politics.

But this year, Christmas Eve falls on a Monday, the same night as the flagship show of WWE programming. So meeting with the obnoxious shitheads in your family is only the second least entertaining thing in the world to do on this night! That means that no matter how bad your Christmas was, you can take heart in knowing that mine was worse because I was watching RAW. For you.

This year I get a double shot of suckitude, because the WWE is doing their annual two hour ad for the US Department of Defense show for the troops from Iraq. This has become a staple of WWE programming because it is a natural for the demographic: the only people left in America who are stupid enough to still support Bush and the war are WWE fans. I will run down the events for as long as I can keep from slitting my wrists from pseudo-patriotism.

- Chris Jericho carries Randy Orton through a boring but not terrible match. It is not announced whether this is for the title, but, I guess it doesn’t matter because everyone knows that what happens in Iraq does not happen in the “real” WWE. Kind of like when the WWE blew off all the heat from the invincibility of the Master Lock by letting an army guy who weighed about 90 pounds to break it, then ignoring that fact on all their shows later (“Lashley is the only man ever to break the Master Lock!!”). The WWE adopted this rule from the Bush Administration, who have been trying to get people to completely disregard things that happen in Iraq for 4 years.

JBL comes out to the ring at the most climactic part of the match, while Randy Orton is in Jericho’s finishing maneuver, to bore the shit out of everyone in the audience by talking, as he used to do on MSNBC before being fired for being a Nazi. Jericho falls asleep immediately, as anyone would under the circumstances, and JBL enters the ring unimpeded, for a DQ. Then Randy Orton’s music starts playing as Chris Jericho is announced as the winner.

Since this was a bizarre and inexplicable clusterfuck, and since WWE is usually good at production despite sucking at everything else, I can only assume that the WWE allowed the Bush administration to book this match and operate the PA and music, in a show of solidarity.

- Rey Misterio, Jr. thanks the troops for protecting our rights by fighting in Iraq. I agree with him, especially in light of the recently recovered documents which show that in 2003, Saddam Hussein was poised to invade the US with his WMD and powerful army, symbolically burning the Constitution on television and imposing martial law. Thank you troops for preventing this national nightmare! Now the Constitutional rights of Americans will never be in danger.

- I am glad Jeff Hardy is getting a push but I wonder why it is necessary to give him a ridiculous Ultimate Warrior face. “Well, we have to push this guy because 73% of the roster is suspended or injured. But can we at least make SOMETHING suck about him?”

- We interrupt this divas non-wrestling match to bring you a non-wrestling interview. Vince McMahon, who still believes Santa is real, interrupts the half-naked women rolling around in the ring by talking into a microphone. He is booed by the Army men who want to look at half-naked women, but this doesn’t make a lot of sense. It doesn’t make sense because the women they want to look at lustfully are still in the ring being half-naked and very easy to still look at. In fact now that Vince has interrupted the “match”, you have a much clearer look at their breasts and ass-cheeks, because they aren’t rolling around in the ring pretending to wrestle by grabbing each other’s hair; in fact they are just kind of standing still. It should be much easier to get a mental snapshot for later masturbatory purposes now that they aren’t performing badly executed, vertebrae-crunching suplexes on each other.

- Santa comes into the ring to interrupt Vince interrupting the divas match, which in turn interrupted the real purpose of this show, which is to show promo video packages supporting the US invasion of Iraq. In a larger sense, the entire show is an interruption of the normal flow of good taste in the universe.

Santa turns out to be John Cena! It takes Vince a few minutes, but he figures out that John Cena is not the real Santa. WWE, you can’t fool me. John Cena isn’t Santa Claus. Santa Claus can make it around the world delivering presents in 24 hours! John Cena can barely move around the ring without tripping over his own two clumsy ass feet.

- Interviews with troops saying that things are improving — you see, Iraqis aren’t ungrateful assholes anymore, like they were back in 2005. Nowadays, they really appreciate the US blowing the shit out of the country, removing the electricity and clean water, installing a repressive theocratic puppet regime, and killing hundreds of thousands of their citizens! And they can tell this, because when they drive around Iraq, little kids run up to their vehicles and almost get crushed by the ramps. No, I’m not making this shit up, someone really said it on television.

In light of this, I feel the WWE should host the next show for the troops outside the green zone, in the middle of Iraq without thousands of military around armed with guns and bombs. Why not?! It’s perfectly safe in Iraq, Vince McMahon said, and all the Iraqis love Americans! No bombs will go off and there wont be any beheadings or kidnappings. Little kids will run up and ask for autographs.

ABOVE: “Troops to Jericho: SAVE US!”

- Oh my. Chris Jericho comes out in favor of the war. Basically, I just learned from him that we had to invade Iraq because Saddam Hussein executed people for losing a soccer game. Good thing that nobody gets executed in Iraq now. Thanks to the war!! So since Saddam is dead, and everyone is safe, can we go home now?

Jokes aside, I know this is just fluff but I always liked Jericho and he usually adds some intellect to a doofy WWE show aimed at 8-year olds. Sorry to see him eagerly participating in this brainless bullshit.

- Rey Misterio is the “biggest underdog in WWE history.” Debatable, but I would have to go with fatass jobber Rusty Brooks vs. Hulk Hogan from Wrestling Challenge. Rey beats the fattest favorite in WWE history, Mark Henry.

- WWE Magazine presents John Cena reading off a teleprompter talking about powerful Army equipment, as if he is not a big dumb shithead pretending to be a military insider. Sgt. Cena informs us that they are in the middle of a very dangerous area, even though Iraq is perfectly safe from soccer-team executions, as I learned in the last segment from Chris Jericho.

He introduces a 22-year old serving his second tour of duty. What they did not mention is that his second tour of duty was made necessary because of all-time low recruiting levels for the US Armed Forces. This is partly because John Cena, of prime military fighting age and in excellent physical shape, is too much of a pussy to go to a recruiting station and sign up to fight in this all-important War for The Existence of Civilization Which Protects Our Freedoms from evil soccer-team-executing dictators. Come on John! Walk the walk! Pick up the rifle, Marine Boy!

ABOVE: “If you’re not down with genocide, we got two words for ya!”

- Shawn Michaels thinks the liberal media is not down with the troops and is causing the US to lose the war. <mark>BOOOOOOO LIBERAL MEDIA!!</mark> Tomorrow, on CNN, Democratic presidential candidates will debate to see who is the most down with the troops and which ones, by default, can suck it.

Of course Shawn Michaels, brainwashed Christianist husband of a Jesus-freak Nitro Girl that he is, also goes on the 700 Club, owned and operated by the guy who thinks homos, liberals and the ACLU pissed God off and caused 9/11. So, his views on the war are not exactly a big shock.

- In this match, the team representing wholesome American values will be Degeneration X. The evil anti-US terrorists who want to destroy our freedoms will be represented by Umaga, the noted Arab terrorist from Samoa, and Ken Kennedy, from Green Bay, Wisconsin. As you well know, Green Bay is only 20 miles from Milwaukee, which once had a socialist mayor. (“BOOOOOO!!”) And Wisconsin is entirely too close to Communist Canada with their national health care to be trusted. I think that tells you all you need to know about Mr. Kennedy, the most anti-American wrestler since Yokozuna, born and raised in the foreign land of Hawaii. So the side of Evil is represented well.

The match got a little tense. A few times during this match there were some near falls on DX, and we as a nation came perilously close to losing our freedoms. However in the end, Kennedy jobbed, the US prevailed. Our freedoms are once again safe. Crotch chops for the USA!

- One final montage with sappy pseudo-rock played over images of the troops mingling with wrestlers and having fun. Horrible bands like the Goo Goo Dolls and Creed were used over a montage for the 1,736,849,028,991th time in WWE history. A good time was had by all.

But then the swerve! The wrestlers get to go home, while the troops had to stay in the desert dodging roadside bombs for an undetermined length of time, only to come home to poor health care and veterans’ benefits cuts by Bush administration! Major Dusty-finish.

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That somehow includes the WWE, too.

The Georgia State Athletic and Entertainment Commission are proposing a bunch of non-sense rules to be amended into wrestling whenever a show takes place in their state. These guidelines are meant to bring wrestling into the realm of boxing and mixed martial arts, but not as cool as either of the two. However, with the recent events occurring in wrestling or sports entertainment, including an array of staph infections, murder-suicides, and wrestlers dying young, these rules may help bring some safety and precaution for wrestling. Right?

Some of these newly proposed regulations are pretty ridiculous. For example:

“If a competitor touches the ropes, the referee is to move them back to the center of the ring.”

“There will be no physical or verbal aggression or threats levied toward any member of the audience.”

Further, blading or self-inflicted cuts are prohibited; no fighting outside the ring barrier; foreign objects must be approved by the athletic state commission prior to its use; wrestlers have a ten count to break an illegal hold; wrestlers are not allowed to have any grease, lotion, or other substances on their body. And, my favorite, every wrestler must wear clean and appropriate attire that properly meets the rules proposed by the commission.

Wait a second. Where is the over the top rope disqualification rule??

Yet, the most important proposed guideline states that there must be a six foot barrier from the ring and an additional four feet between the the barrier and the first row; which adds up to ten feet of empty space. This regulation may kill the independent wrestling scene in Georgia. Many of the smaller indy shows run in smaller venues that, because of this regulation, would not be legally cleared to run an event in such a venue.

The commission is due to vote on the regulations today, and if passed, this could be very detrimental for wrestling in the independent circuit. Apparently, the WWE is unaffected by these rules, because of a prior statute that excludes any company worth $25mil or more to be included. That’s too bad.. right??

UPDATE: The committee has adjourned and stated that they will postpone any decision on the matter until February. The committee agreed to hear out the industry’s opinions and have invited various promoters to form a group and present their opinions to the committee for further revision of the proposed guidelines made by the commission.

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Here is a transcript of an AIM convo I just had with Abdullah the Blogger. All comments below are 100% true:

Abdullah: do you think maybe we think wwe is so bad, but really theyre just writing for an audience of 8 year olds?
Brody: yes, i do
Abdullah: like if we watched Barney, we’d probably be able to pick it apart just as easily
Brody: hahahaha
Abdullah: but we clearly know its not meant for adults
Brody: I think Barney has better storytelling
Abdullah: perhaps we need to think of wwe in the same way
Brody: i think maybe WWE is just written by 8 year olds
Abdullah: you know whats super pathetic?
Abdullah: i had a dream last night
Abdullah: that vince mcmahon decided to get out of the wrestling business and decided to let me take over the wwe
Abdullah: so on my first day i told everyone in the office they could dress as casual as they wanted to
Abdullah: and then i got the few good wrestlers left in the company in a room and pleaded with them to help me fix the wwe
Brody: ahahahahahahaha
Abdullah: i’m not making any of this up, this was my actual dream
Brody: who were the wrestlers you were pleading with?
Abdullah: i think shawn michaels was in there, and regal
Abdullah: and edge
Abdullah: thats all i can remember
Abdullah: i dunno how regal got in there
Abdullah: i must have lower standards in my dreams

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You know, when I woke up today, as I poured my Count Chocula and prepared for another boring day of work , I thought to myself: “Self, there is only one thing in this formless void we call a universe that could possibly make me happy. And that is if an untalented midcarder in the WWE were to interview a terrible rapper in an untalented commercial pop group. ” But, of course, that type of dream connection doesn’t really happen outside the imagination of youth.

Wait a minute, what’s this?!

In the latest edition of WWE.com’s Superstar to Superstar, SmackDown’s United States and WWE Tag Team Champ MVP chats with rapper, lyricist, producer and frontman of the Black Eyed Peas, will.i.am.

Wh… But I…Hominahomina… WHAT?!

WWE, it’s like you constantly read my mind when you decide what entertainments to put in my computer box. God bless you and your ability to give the fans what they want with no obnoxious intrusion of marketing whatsoever.

MVP digs deep with will.i.am. to find out the inspiration for his solo album, Songs About Girls, which was released in September. Catch will.i.am’s performance on the American Music Awards Sunday, Nov. 18, on ABC.

Catch will.i.am on Extra, The Insider and Access Hollywood. Catch will.i.am in every magazine from now until summer 2008. Catch will.i.am. being used as a giant Q-Tip on the New American Gladiators with Hulk Hogan, January 6th on NBC. Catch will.i.am’s shitty album appearing at the bottom of the $2.99 rack at your local used CD store in approximately 1 year.

Also, catch MVP at a mall opening in January 2009, followed by MVP selling fruit outside of tollbooths later that year, telling people he used to be famous. Then catch him in the “Where Are They Now?” section of washed-up WWE wrestlers, two years from now, scratch your head, and go, “M. V. Who?! Wasn’t that the guy with the baseball face?”

MVP: Will, how you doing, man? MVP… SmackDown.
will: What’s up?
MVP: Well, I was fortunate enough to be picked to interview you for Superstar to Superstar. So I have some questions for you. Are you ready?
will: Yeah. What’s up?

Analysis: Well, we are two questions in and so far he has asked him whether he is ready for any questions yet. I have to say, by WWE standards, this “idiot wrestlers interviewing people” thing is a rousing success. I guess the one job Michael Cole can sort of do without completely embarrassing himself has been rendered obsolete.

MVP: I’m very, very pleased to have been able to watch your explosion because the first time I saw you guys was on the Warped Tour in 1999. It was really cool to watch your explosion – and I say explosion because the group Black Eyed Peas has blown up.

“I also say ‘explosion’ because I like explosions. I say ‘explosion’ a lot. Explosion! Explodey explosional explode-o-rama. I’m blowin’ up! In fact I like blowin’ up so much that I do it in the ring 2 minutes into a match.”

will: I think it’s awesome to be able to ride the wave and maneuver myself, just staying afloat. A lot of people think we’re in business, so…

MVP: On a personal note, I used to work for years out on South Beach, running security in nightclubs and doing bodyguard work. One night you, Tab and Fergie came into Mansion, and I was assigned to bodyguard you guys while you were in the one room. It’s kind of interesting how at that point, I was a virtual nobody and now I’ve come into my own success as a celebrity, and it’s so realistic to me. It’s mind-numbing sometimes how quickly celebrity can take off.

Oh, my dear MVP. You’re on Smackdown. If everyone on TV were allowed to call themselves celebrities, the National Enquirer would be full of stories about public access cable TV hosts.

This interview is a lot like, say, Tom Hanks’s limo driver engaging Tom in buddy-buddy conversation, including himself on the same plane of celebrity as Tom Hanks because he drives famous people around all the time, and Tom having to nod politely, insert appropriate “uh-huh”s and “nope”s in at the relevant times, and pray for the ride to the airport to be over as soon as possible.

How do you deal with the success, being able to say that at one point you were the proverbial starving artist and now you’re considered one of the top acts and producers in the country?

“Well, I try to keep in mind that I’m really not very good at what I do, and at any time, I could fall back down to the level of ‘celebrity’ that includes Carrot Top and MVP. That keeps me humble as a motherfucker.”

I’m just kidding, he didn’t really say that.

will: I try not to take it too seriously, you know? Because you can let it get to your head, the quality of entertainment. So I like to always stay connected and see what people gravitate toward and not let the celebrity separate me from people because at the end of the day, you’re entertaining those people. To know what those people are craving and feeling at the moment, is to always stay relevant, you know? Especially in this day and age, as soon as you put yourself on a pedestal, you don’t have that connection, you know?

MVP: Yeah, I understand exactly what you’re saying. One of the things we pride ourselves on as WWE Superstars is connecting with the audience. What we do in the ring, we’re reacting from the energy of the crowd. So we have to be connected to our fans just the same way you have to be connected to yours.

I guess I can’t argue with that. If you force someone to get up and go get popcorn during your shitty match, or put them to sleep with an intricately choreographed series of chinlocks made with angry faces, I guess technically you have “connected” with them. The same way you “connect” with someone’s foot when you get kicked hard in the testicles.

MVP “connecting” with fans.

MVP: A lot of WWE fans are huge followers of Black Eyed Peas,

A lot of WWE fans also have problems operating a toaster.

MVP: but I know recently you had a solo joint come out. What can the fans expect from your solo joint? Do you have the same energy and intensity that the Black Eyed Peas albums have, or are you venturing out in a different direction?

will: It’s a little different, but not too different to where I’m alienated. My solo record, it has to be a little different. It can’t be the same, just me minus the other three. So just in respect to the Black Eyed Peas and what I’ve built, I’ve had to be adventurous and try to take our audience to a different musical place.

“However, to avoid confusing my fanbase with my radically different ‘joint’, I have hired another half-naked, giant retarded slut to dance around next to me rhythmlessly while I sing.”

MVP: (laughs) So for the most part, you have fun, get loose, but nothing too outrageous. Fair enough. … Let me ask you this… You’ve quickly become recognized as one of music’s top producers. I’m curious, who is your favorite person to collaborate with or who have you had the most fun working with?

will: Michael Jackson is my high right now.

MVP: I remember when Michael Jackson as an act, as a talent, was untouchable and was in a realm all his own. How does it feel to be working with him?

will: That’s like you getting in the ring with… yeah, dude, for me, Michael Jackson. He’s not Hulk Hogan. To me, it would be like “Macho Man” Randy Savage. To me, like, Elvis is equivalent to Hulk Hogan. And Michael Jackson would be like who, I don’t know.

I admit I am digging this musical artist/wrestler comparison heirarchy that will.i.am has created here. I have put together some additions to this metaphorical equivalent-fame stepladder for my own amusement.

MUSICAL ARTIST/WRESTLER OF EQUIVALENT FAME
Michael Jackson/Randy Savage
Elvis Presley/Hulk Hogan
Brooke Hogan/Horace Hogan
Bob Dylan/Big John Studd
Metallica/Ric Flair
Jessica Simpson/Shawn Michaels
Ashlee Simpson/Marty Jannetty
Panic at the Disco/Viscera
Insane Clown Posse/Insane Clown Posse
Black Eyed Peas in 5 years/MVP now

MVP: Working with someone like Michael Jackson, intimidated might be the wrong word, but for lack of a better word, do you sometimes find yourself a little awe-struck when producing or working with him?

will: At first I was, but you can’t be. If you are then you’re jeopardizing the outcome of whatever it is you’re working on. It took a while for me and it took a lot of mental strength to just let it go and forget about it. You have to separate it. You have to forget everything that he meant to you and what he symbolized. You’ve just got to go out and do the work.

“Although I kept tripping over toddlers while we were recording.”

MVP: OK, so we can get the whole story just listening to it. All right. Now let me just switch gears here for a second. You mention growing up in the projects and there, you know, sometimes you are going to get into scraps. Did you get into some scraps growing up?

will: Not in my projects. I was the dude that … I never got in a fight … never in my whole life. Because I was the dude in the projects that everyone was like, ‘That’s that dude Willie, do that rap you did the other day!’

MVP: Ahhh, OK, you were that guy! I’m digging that.

Whereas MVP was the guy who used to pick fights with all the smaller kids, get tired and put them into chinlocks for five minutes.

MVP: But my last question is would you like to come to a WWE show in the future, maybe come down, show me a little love, represent, you know?

will: You know what? I’ve always wanted to go to a wrestling match, but we were pretty poor. My next-door neighbor used to go to the Royal Rumble.

Huh? Does he think the Royal Rumble is, like, a weekly wrestling block party that they have downtown every week? That kids raise money for by putting on a breakdancing show? “Hey, where’s our wacky next-door neighbor? Oh, he went down to the local youth center to see this week’s Royal Rumble.”

I mean, not that anyone really reads these things (except for me, God help us), but you would think if you’re going into an interview to promote your shitty album at a wrestling site, and drop the name of a PPV, you might familiarize yourself with the basics of what a PPV is and when they take place.

“Yes Bob Costas. I truly love the NFL. I had a great-uncle who often used to go to the Super Bowl.”

MVP: So you grew up watching WWE then?

will: Yeah, dude, I used to be a big WWE fan. You can tell by my knowledge. George “The Animal” Steele, Andre the Giant was dope, British Bulldog, Iron Sheik …but I like Junkyard Dog, that’s my boy. And Koko B. Ware. And Randy… yeeeeeah… “Macho Man.”

Yes, no one knows any of those obscure wrestlers except for you. You truly possess heretofore unimagined knowledge of wrestling.

MVP: I know you’re busy, man. I really enjoyed talking to you and anytime, you have an open invitation to come to a WWE show and you will be my personal guest.

will: All right.

MVP: All right, well you hold it down. Take care. Thank you very much.

will: Thanks.

Until we meet again on VH1′s “I Love the 2000s!”

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